behindthecloudsthesunshinesbright ·
14/08/2022 17:49
I hope I’ve posted this in the right place - and sorry if it’s a bit long winded!
I struggle with OCD, anxiety, depression etc and have previously tried counselling, CBT and anti depressants. Since having my own DS, I’ve reflected a lot on my own childhood and whilst I probably knew beforehand, becoming a parent myself has made me realise than my own experience as a child really wasn’t good. Very difficult relationships with my parents even now and I know that my poor mental health as an adult definitely stems from my childhood. As well as the aforementioned anxiety etc, I am also a people pleaser - I find it very hard to stick up for myself, express my own opinions if they differ to those of the people I am with and even as a child, I would want to change who I was to ‘fit in’ - I suppose self acceptance doesn’t come easy for me.
So, as a parent myself, I am desperate for my child not to have the mental health struggles in his life that I do. On one level I know he won’t as his childhood is vastly different to mine - he is so loved by both his parents, we give him a lot of time and attention and unlike me as a child, he is never belittled or made to live in fear of his parents.
Due to my own inability to speak up for myself/express differing opinions etc, this means that one area I find really hard as a parent is speaking up for my child when I feel I should - specifically in regard to when other children push in front of him/snatch from him etc (these are just examples off the top of my head). When these things inevitably happen as they do with young children playing together, my DS (4 y/o) doesn’t seem to stick up for himself - he just seems to accept it. I’m so worried that this is my doing, because I don’t step in enough or show him that it’s not ok for others to do those things to him. Quite often, I feel like I’m waiting for the other parent to say/do something - as I would if my DS was snatching or pushing in etc but I feel like quite often other parents don’t stop their kids doing these things. Have I gone too far the other way? Have I made him feel that he’s somehow lesser than other children? Sometimes I feel like I’m worried about what the other parents will say if I say something - which sounds ridiculous I know. I look at my DS and just think, how is it that I love you so much and yet I don’t know where to begin standing up for you in social situations.
I think my main question is - if you are or were like this yourself - how do you not let it affect your DC? How do I know what to say in the moment - so often I realise 5 minutes after the event what I could have said or done, but it’s like in the moment I just go blank. Often it’s like I actually don’t know if what happened was right or wrong - whether it was acceptable behaviour or not - and it’s only after that often I realise that it wasn’t. How can I teach my DS to stand up for himself?
Finally just to add - I’m not expressing a desire to become a helicopter parent (if that’s the right phrase?) or something like that where I don’t let him figure anything out for himself, I just want my child to develop problem solving skills and understand the difference between right and wrong - I really don’t want him to become a pushover like me and I just don’t know where to turn. It seems whenever we see other children these days whether it’s friends or family, something will happen and I’ll analyse it so much that feel sick with anxiety - I know this needs to change.
Thank you if you read all that - and thank you if you have any words of wisdom or reassurance that you might be able to share!