Letting my toddler down

[guiltymum2]

I have a toddler who's almost 2.5 and am currently a SAHM, planning to go back to work when he starts school.

I'm really concerned about his lack of socialising - he doesn't go to nursery or a childminder because it's not affordable to us. We were doing quite a lot of groups but he doesn't really interact with the other kids there and just tends to play by himself. If another child approaches him he tends to get upset and will often start crying.

In the last six weeks the number of groups we go to has really reduced thanks to me - I'm in the SE and really struggle with the heat so we've tended to stay at home for the majority of the time.

I'm worried all this is negatively affecting him and wish I could afford to send him to nursery even for a few days a week, just to give him a chance to mix with other kids.

I don't know what to do for the best TBH.

I really rate nursery (or playgroup, childminder, whatever) for helping older toddlers to socialise and develop their communication skills.

Can you work 2 or 3 days a week, and have him in childcare then?

I could look for a job earlier than planned so I can pay for him to go to nursery. It's not what I'd prefer to do on a personal level, but am I being selfish denying him nursery/childcare?

We met up with two of his cousins yesterday who are similar age - both are in nursery full time and are noticeably so much more confident socially.

He’s fine! Don’t worry. Once he’s 3 he can go to nursery if you want him to but groups will be fine in the meantime. They’ll all get going properly in September too.

Can't you get 15 hours free since youre not working and he's 2 years old?

It's not as clear cut as being selfish or not. What do you think it's best for him? What do you think is best for you?

Playing alongside other children is normal at this age I think? I don't think they start playing together until they're older.

All of the research I've read seems to suggest they're better off with you at home until they're 3, I know this isn't feasible for a lot of families but it is for you.

Will you get 15 hours funded preschool when they're 3? I'd look at where you want to send them then and enjoy your time together now

I've read the research about babies being better off at home, but I thought that after two they do start to benefit from childcare and nursery.

Also just anecdotally, everyone I know who sends their child to nursery can't stress enough how good it's been for their children and what a positive impact it's had on them. I feel guilty that I am denying my son these opportunities.

The term after he turns 3 he will get 15 hours funded childcare, most places you often don't have to pay anything else towards it.
Have a look on the childcare choices website and it will let you know what you are eligible for. The funded hours can be used at any registered early years provider including nurseries, preschools and childminders

www.childcarechoices.gov.uk/

What about when he turns 3 and funding kicks in? Could you take advantage of that and put him in then?

We had enough family around ds that we didn't need to send him to nursery, but chose to do one day a week as otherwise he spends all his time with adults. That on one hand is brilliant as he has an amazing vocabulary and will happily converse with anyone. On the other, he isn't always sure how to play with other children. When he turned 2 we increased his days to 2 a week, and it was a brilliant choice for him. Watching him play with my cousins step children who are a similar age last weekend, shows how good its been for him.

I think it's the away from me around other children that did it for him.

Meh - people always justify their choices. If they had a nanny they’d say how great it was their children got one to one attention, childminder how lovely it is they’re in a ‘home environment’, nurseries that it helps them be social. Used two of these myself so have no issue with childcare. However whatever you do you aren’t letting him down.

My DS is nearly 3.5 and about to start nursery. My DD also went at 3.5. I believe it was the best decision for our family and very happy we did it that way. DD is now 6 and very sociable with a lovely group of friends. They have both been ready to go and not found the separation hard, which can be an issue at 2. Personally I wouldn't return to work early just to pay for nursery. I think people often overstate the benefits of nursery and will attribute progress to nursery when they would have made that progress anyway.

OP - please stop beating yourself up. Your dc will be more than fine.

There is so much shoved into parents shoulders about « that by this age or else ». It usually costs a lot.

Honestly - I wish I had the money and TIME I spent worrying back now that I am on the other side of this.

You chat, interact, and love your dc. The rest follows with the ups and downs of life.

He will get his free hours at 3 and, once the cooler weather starts, you'll feel more like being out and about and at groups again. I think most people with small children have struggled to be motivated to get out and do much in this heat... besides anything else, it's really not safe for little kids to be in the sun for very long! And most toddler/preschooler groups take a break in the holiday... rather than worrying yourself about it now, I'd have a look at what's available in your area and plan a few more things to do when September comes.

Once he gets his funded send him to preschool. You'll both benefit from the time.

This all sounds completely normal. My DS is 2.3 and goes to nursery 3 days a week alongside toddler groups on mine and DH’s days off with him. Despite all this, he still doesn’t play with other children and has recently become quite shy of others in his personally space. I don’t think they get the concept of playing with other children until at least 3. My 5 year old nephew still isn’t great at it! I think you’re DS will be totally fine and as others have said, not long until free hours x

My first two didn't interact with other kids when they were little unless they knew the kids well. They were both quiet mellow kids and most of the other kids seemed a bit wild tbf 😅 One of my kids was almost mute at kindergarten (age 5'ish) They got older, the other kids got older and they ended up being fine. In fact both have always had strong long lasting friends. I'm glad I didn't push them. I was aware of it though and careful to encourage them to socialise in ways that suited them. I would have asked for help if I thought either of them were unhappy.

It's definitely 3 that they start to benefit from some form of pre-school.

He'll be learning how to interact from you until then

I don't think you can compare fairly tbh. My dd (same age as your LO) goes to nursery full time... not entirely by choice - I'm working full time now whilst pregnant with the second for full mat pay but hoping to cut down my hours thereafter. She'll be the most shy child in most gatherings.

Yes, the DCousins could just be genetically set to be more sociable.

You are not letting him down.
I've read that up to 3 years of age children don't really need the company of other kids. Their parents is all they need.

He will be absolutely fine OP. My DD is turning 2 and is the most chatty and social toddler I know, while her cousin started nursery at 9 months and is nowhere near as verbal or sociable. All children have different personalities and I don't think either of them would be any different if the roles were switched. Don't stress! Do what works for you. Children adapt much quicker than you think.