Bad parenting complex

[charmama]

My DS is almost 10 months old, my husband is a very good hands on dad who has always got stuck in and done his best for our boy. My friends and family are often amazed at his confidence as it is our first baby and he had very little experience with babies. I really do praise him and I am very grateful that he is so close to our son however he has this complex that he says I make him feel like a shit dad. I feel that he is almost jealous at the fact that I know certain things about our baby (feeding habits, sleeping patterns etc) and he isn't as sure. He works full time therefore I am at home with DS during the day. Therefore I don't expect him to follow my weekday routine to the letter when he's off. But if I say to him "make sure you don't forget to do this" or "I wouldn't do that because.." instead of taking it as useful tips and advice he takes everything I say as criticism and it is exhausting. I actually now say "I'm not being critical of you but..." before I start a sentence! It's super hot here and he's about to take DS out for a walk before it gets too warm, and I saw that he put suncream on him but then covered him with a blanket, I told him the blanket would just make him overheat so I'd not bother with it as he's got suncream on and just from this he's now started an argument about it saying I'm acting like he's a shit dad! I just don't know what to do or say I'm always made out to be the big bad wolf and I'm so tired of it.
Any advice?

Honestly I would advise you to steo back when Dad is on duty. If you know he's a good parent and give him praise, let him get on with it his way. Unless the thing is obviously going to harm the baby, Dad's way doesn't have to be "your perfect".

I say this as I too try to backseat-parent when my husband helps me out. Just let him muddle through on his own.

(Side note - I would put a muslin over baby when going for a walk in the sun. Even with suncream on the sun can still burn, so a thin physical barrier IMO is best even if baby gets a bit hot)

Thank you for this! I gave him a muslin for his legs but he was trying to go out with a woollen one! 🤣

🤣🤣🤣Men probably think all blankets are the same!!

Honestly, just leave the man alone and let him figure it out himself.

The most valuable piece of parenting advice i ever received was that mum and dad can do things in different ways and still both be right.

DH and I always do SPL rather than just me taking mat leave, so he takes over from me around the 6m mark. It has been vital for me to leave him to work out what works best for him and the baby. That's what makes us equal parents - he's in charge of what he's doing with his baby. It's not me dictating what he should be doing with my baby.

But if I say to him "make sure you don't forget to do this" or "I wouldn't do that because.." instead of taking it as useful tips and advice he takes everything I say as criticism and it is exhausting. I actually now say "I'm not being critical of you but..." before I start a sentence!

it certainly sounds like a criticism.

It’s so hard not to back seat parent when you’re the primary carer but you have to let your DH figure out stuff on his own (assuming he isn’t doing anything dangerous)

I find it really hard to bite my tongue too but unless you want to be the default parent forever then you have to let him learn the same way you did, through trial and error. He’s just behind you due to the amount of time he has to solo parent.

It does sound like you're micromanaging to be honest.

He's a competent, loving adult. Leave him to it.