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Original poster

She ACTUALLY hates me

20 replies

Shleepymummy · 09/08/2022 19:19

I know babies have phases of favourite parent. I’m trying the classics, don’t take it personally, continue to spend time with them, do bedtime routine alone etc. My 15 month old actively seems to despise me. The daddy phase has been going on for months now and we have never had a Mummy phase. She was never fussed about me as a baby baby.
She cries when I go near her. If my husband picks her up, instantly stops, if I try, crying gets worse. She reaches out for DH, never me, she reaches AROUND me when I’m holding her to get to DH, laughs with DH,
dead pan face with me. When DH comes home from work she runs up to him, when I do- doesn’t register I’m there. On my days off alone with her she doesn’t cry but she’s not loving with me.
So, now what? I’m really trying to keep smiling, spend time with her alone, but it seems to be getting worse.
Honestly- do you think there is a bond issue there? And if so, is there a way to repair this? I unfortunately couldn’t breastfeed which still now gives me horrific guilt and makes me think this is the problem. Looking for new ideas or anyone who has been through this. I am trying to be patient, wait it out but it’s becoming miserable at home and breaking my heart. All my friends babies are of course mummy obsessed, won’t leave their sides, so loving. Fabulous

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Soubriquet · 09/08/2022 19:29

Breastfeeding won’t be the reason. I didn’t bf either of my kids and both of them were mummy babies.

ds hated dad so much I had to everything for months. It was very draining.

She doesn’t hate you. Not really. She will come
round

abblie · 09/08/2022 19:33

Don't blame it on breastfeeding please don't it's unfair that mothers feel guilty over breastfeeding with these vigilantes preaching it everywhere.

My dd was the same with me only it was my parents she favoured so much for lol just keep doing what your doing cos fathers feel this all the time that their children prefer their mother to do everything for them rather than their fathers.

She is loved happy healthy fed roof over her head warm and everything else don't focus of one negative xx

Legrandsophie · 09/08/2022 19:34

They all do this to one parent. Just take it as a sign that she is really secure in her bind with you. Don’t let her see that it upsets you. At that age they are developing their sense of self and can be very, very manipulative. She has cottoned on that this behaviour gets a reaction.

My DD was like this to DH- always wanted me over him. But he has stuck with it and now she is 6 they have a great relationship. Keep playing with her and having fun and she’ll eventually realise that she can’t play you off against each other.

Who does she go for if she’s really, really ill?

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abblie · 09/08/2022 19:34

Soubriquet · 09/08/2022 19:29

Breastfeeding won’t be the reason. I didn’t bf either of my kids and both of them were mummy babies.

ds hated dad so much I had to everything for months. It was very draining.

She doesn’t hate you. Not really. She will come
round

The 'not really' part of your post was really not necessary ffs

Ziggyisthebestdogintheworld · 09/08/2022 19:36

One of mine was the same-but with her uncle
she would have pushed me off a cliff to get closer to him-and wouldn’t have been bothered if I fell off the cliff and she never saw me again
shes now 25 and we are really close-just try to spend time with her and she’ll come round-I promise

GiltEdges · 09/08/2022 19:37

Well if it was breastfeeding related then there’d be no logic for her favouring her dad either, would there?

They all do this to some extent and sometimes the phases seem to last a while. You just need to continue doing as you’re doing.

Beamur · 09/08/2022 19:38

I promise she doesn't hate you.
Perversely, her bond to you is secure (she isn't yet at a development stage to see you as a person separate to her).
Keep doing what you're doing, spend time together and try not to take it personally when she seems to prefer Daddy.

Mushroo · 09/08/2022 19:40

From the other perspective, I was a complete daddy’s girl. My advice is DO NOT let her know you feel that you don’t have a bond.

My mum was often moaning that we didn’t and it became a bit self perpetuating.

We’re now reasonably close as adults (well, closer than I am to my dad)

FinallyHere · 09/08/2022 19:43

a sign that she is really secure in her bind with you

And that she doesn't think of you and her as separate entities, really, so takes you for granted.

How often does your face light up in delight when you see your elbow ? You just take for granted that it's there, ready and willing to support both parts of your arm. 😀

That's how your baby thinks of you. Her Daddy is a rare and highly prized 'other' so more interesting at the moment.

I'd warrant that as a PP says, if she is very ill or scared, she want you but you won't want to put that to the test.

Hold onto not showing her this hurts you. As my mother would say, this phase will pass.

Original poster

Shleepymummy · 09/08/2022 19:45

Thanks all, I know not much I can do, that’s the hardest bit- no fix
@Legrandsophie so she’s actually never been poorly poorly, teething and maybe a bug once but she just slept a lot for 2 days. ive read that yes she’s probably secure in our bond so what about all my friends babies who are mummy obsessed- they’re not secure in their bond? Which is defo not true. That’s where I struggle to understand it

OP posts:

2bazookas · 09/08/2022 20:02

Hates and despises are adult emotions. Babies don't have such feelings.

I think the problem feelings might be yours, not hers.

Beamur · 09/08/2022 20:14

Every baby is different. Your friends aren't necessarily doing anything better or different, but their babies have different personalities.

Original poster

Shleepymummy · 09/08/2022 20:22

@2bazookas Granted- she ‘appears’ to give off the adult emotions mentioned above.
I’m accepting that the situation is hard to be around, I am fine in my mental health, but my feelings aren’t problems, they are coming from a place of love and wanting to understand more

OP posts:

MamaWingsIt · 09/08/2022 20:32

First DC was all for me and still is at 7yrs old. Second - all for dad. So much so, if we ever have a wake in the night (bad dream etc) and I go in to soothe, it's absolute carnage.

I wouldn't worry, I'm sure it'll soon change 😊

MeridianGrey · 09/08/2022 20:36

Is it possible he comes in from work and plays with her/ has time for fun stuff, whereas when you are on your own with you have to cook, sort laundry etc?
in your shoes I would try to find fun things she enjoys, water play, messy cooking etc and make sure you spend one to one time each day doing a ‘fun’ session. Beyond that don’t worry too much, she will come round.

Greenkitten · 09/08/2022 20:37

My elder two both had mummy phases and daddy phases. Both perfectly happy with either of us now! Both were obsessed with my fil for ages! My son wouldn’t even say “granny” to mil for years. He could say it- just wouldn’t. Both of them adore her now. They come round. My youngest has a mummy phase right now- but when she was a little baby is was all about daddy. They’re fickle little things.

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 09/08/2022 20:37

My DD was a massive daddy's girl for years (despite the fact that I bf her for a year). She chose him to go to the hospital with her when she went in for a minor op 😞.

She's now 14yo and we're really close. Hang in there OP!

Original poster

Shleepymummy · 09/08/2022 20:47

Thanks everyone- seems I have to just wait it out.

@MeridianGrey i do do laundry, cooking etc so good point, I will make
more effort to leave all that and just play with her

OP posts:

Legrandsophie · 09/08/2022 21:24

I would say that if he is gone all day then some kids pick up on that and really focus on the one who is not there all the time. As others have said it could just be that he has time to do more fun interactions.

One thing that really didn’t help DHs relationship with DD was that he had to do the tough sleep training at about 14 month. She wouldn’t go to sleep without someone sat next to her patting and shushing for hours. It was breaking both of us and I couldn’t listen to her scream.

He is the more firm parent so the kick back is that she turns to me more often (sad but true). I’ve balanced it out by speaking really positively about him and giving them room to have fun together.

Are you the one doing most of the discipline?

Original poster

Shleepymummy · 09/08/2022 21:45

@Legrandsophie ah ok that’s interesting to note. We sleep trained around 5 months but both of us did it and I don’t think she associates me with that. Maybe she does….

I am gone some days at work too but she never seems to miss me like she does him. And as for discipline, I guess we don’t really discipline her yet. We say no to things if it’s unsafe etc but she doesn’t get told off per say. I probably do have a stricter tone. Then you just get riddled with guilt….I’ve been too strict, sleep training, I’ve broken her etc!

I think I’m probably best to just accept the situation as it is, spend time with her being fun (hard when it feels forced!) and just ride it out.

OP posts:

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