Getting over not having more kids

[Eggybetty]

We decided this and now I feel really regretful about it. We have two children 7 and 5 and it feels too late to have another one due to my and my husband’s ages and also I really don’t want that kind of age gap so it’s a decision I have to live with but it’s really eating me up. We always wanted more kids but then I became ill for 2 years so we decided not to and were fine with it at the time. Since last year though, I’ve been well again and the feeling has come back and not gone away. The past weekend I’ve spent time with 2 sets of their friends and their 3 kids and it’s made it even harder. The other day, I bumped into an old friend who asked me how many kids do I have now ‘3?’. I keep trying to convince myself that we have two lovely children, one of each so be grateful and we can give them so much- time, we do activities together and go on holidays, they’re so happy but my heart aches over not having no 3. I don’t miss the baby stage but I love them as toddlers and as they start to grow and I always wanted my children to have more than 1 sibling. I hate that I feel this way. How do I get over this??

Is it worth reassessing your decision OP and talking it through with your DP / DH. If you really can’t come to terms with the decision maybe it’s not the right one for you. 5 years isn’t that big an age gap. Do you feel too old or are you thinking others may judge you? Plenty of people have DC in their late 30s and some in their early 40s. Good luck whatever you decide.

I feel similarly, two feels bit boring, but I am stopping at two because I feel 3 tips me over the edge to most likely being a sahm forever. School holiday clubs prices just too much for 3.

@GreyGoose1980 Thank you for your reply. It’s a bit of both but more age. Early 40s and it feels like starting over again. @Jenn500 i thought it was just me that felt that 2 is a bit boring 😆

I stopped at two, would have liked 3.
Was a bit late starting and had DC at 38 and 40.
I had some health issues but the main reason was being over 40 and had two healthy children. seemed sensible to quit while ahead.
I was sad for a few months but the decision was right and I still think that now I am 64 and DC are 24 and 26.

How old are you OP?

2 is "a bit boring" ?

I get how you're feeling op, although my two (a boy and girl) and a bit younger - 1 and 3 (nearly 4). The thought of not having anymore babies makes me feel sad. However, I'm 35 so not getting any younger as wouldn't want another one for a couple of years anyway, if that was to happen. But also, I've struggled through two pregnancies, my son's birth was highly traumatic and I've had pnd twice. I have clinical anxiety too. Our son could potentially have adhd as well. So weighing all that up, I feel like I shouldn't.
For me, it's been on my mind more recently as my daughter is now walking and starting to talk and it feels like the baby stage has gone super quick and I miss it already. I don't even want to sort all her baby clothes yet as I know I'll want to keep them 'just in case' but is there much point keeping it all. I need to stop thinking this all through so much and just enjoy my children in the now.

I wondered the same

You wait until someone like me with 3 is moaning how holidays are designed for 2 parents, 2 children or how expensive 3 x (insert activity/ clothes/ day out) is, or how the youngest just gets away with anything and is going to be a nightmare teenager etc etc and you emphasise and silently thank your lucky stars you are sensible and boring!!

(I don't think 2 is boring btw!)

I think in your 40s and with two in primary school aged children, yes, it’s probably time to put this to bed and enjoy the family you have.

Lots of people have longings for another, but stop for sensible reasons, as you did. You made a sound decision. Enjoy the results.

2 is brilliant. It allows you to ‘split the pack’ and have one to one time with each of them. I love it about our two. You’d never be able to do this with 3. I also think having a third is unnecessary to ‘make it less boring!!’
the other thing to consider is if you are older the risks of having children with health issues/disabilities is higher so how would your other two feel if your attentions were substantially taken by other children?

There is a big age gap between my brother and I of 9 years. I hated that when I needed my parents emotionally they were busy with a toddler. Coming into your teens with parents who are physically drained and don’t have the time to deal with you was difficult and I genuinely feel it was this age when my relationship with my parents really deteriorated.

@LostForWordsagain 40 and DH is 43.
@Shadowboy Thanks I think you hit the nail on the head re one on one time and taking attention away and that was always one of my reasons for not having more. Just have to keep reminding myself and enjoy what I have.

I have 3 although 2 youngest are twins and splitting time equally is very very hard and I often feel guilty. Agree with other posters that it's a very 2 child family world - everything is more expensive with 3 children. Although if you have to pay for 2 hotel rooms you may as well have a 4th to at least even the numbers (my argument to DH anyway!)

I don't think you are too old of you were to say have a 3rd in the next 12 months

I would have loved to have a third and feel very sad that there won't be one. I have always wanted four children and feel that if I had a third I would then find myself longing for a fourth!

I am not having a third because it took five months to conceive my second pregnancy. I had a mmc at 12 weeks. I was absolutely devastated and turned into a women obsessed trying to conceive again, convinced my biological clock had ran out and my chance had gone, I spent a fortune on ovulation tests, became obsessed with the calendar and having sex at all the right times. Luckily I only had four months of this before I conceived again with DC2.

Would I be devastated if we decided to go for DC3 and I couldn't conceive? Yes. Would I become obsessed with trying to conceive again? Yes. Could I cope with another mc? No.

There were also complications with the birth of DC2 which resulted in both of us stuck in hospital for five days with DC1, who had never spent a night away from me stuck at home alone with DP. Would I want to put my two existing DC through that again? No.

Also I am now in my 40's, the risks of mc and complications are high and would I want to risk something happening to me and leaving my DC and perhaps a newborn without their Mum? No.

On a lighter note, if I had a third then two DC would have to share a room as we have no spare bedrooms left, we'd need to take two cars on holiday, we'd need two hotel rooms, with three one child will get often get left out.

Sadly I have reached the decision to stick with two. DC2 is about to start nursery, DS 1 is now at primary school. I'm about to say goodby to my pushchair and nappies, I'm starting to think about selling the baby toys that both DC have grown out of, we are now moving into a new chapter and leaving the baby days behind us.

If I was 10 years younger I'd definitely be going for a third though!

I'm 40, have 3 - 7'5 and 6 months.
I love the, age gap. The older 2 are in school so it feels like the baby is my first all over again. Loving the cuddles! I think it helps though that the eldest are the same sex and baby ids opposite. If baby had been the same I think the age gap would have been more of an issue growing up when the older 2 aren't so interested in playing!

I meant 7 and 5!

I think that's a very sensible outlook!

My heart wants another but my head knows it’s not right for us. I often feel spread very thin and on mornings like today where DD took her nappy off and did a wee on the floor and while I was cleaning this up DS was throwing all the washing I’d just folded off my bed so he could hide under the duvet all while I’m running late for childcare drop off and work I know another one could potentially break me!
In all seriousness, I want to be able to give them as much attention and love as I can, and I find it hard to split myself in two. I like that when we go out as a family if things are hard DH can take one and I can take another, the chaos can be slightly controlled that way.
I’ve also taken a lot of time off work with mat leave and I’m enjoying being back. My youngest is not yet 2 and I do wonder if I will feel more strongly about having a third in a few years but my DH is set at stopping at 2 so I think that’s it for us.

Looks like I'm stopping at 1. Feel guilty for my son but number 2 would push me over the edge.

Your hormones can play a part too. At your age I kept thinking about being pregnant, used to wake up thinking I was pregnant! 10 years later that would be classed as a nightmare!

Exactly.

And think of the planet and the environment.

The planet and the environment argument is 🤷 when you’re dealing with matters of the heart tbh. It’s more a reason to convince not to than a reason to motivate.

I had my youngest at 43 so 2 years ago and have to say that my energy levels have dropped in this last 2 years so I am feeling more drained with it. If you hit a decline in energy like I have then you may be grateful if you have decided not to have added another one, if you were younger then I would have told you to go for it.

Wow.