Don’t feel as strongly about DC2 compared to DC1

[SamanthaVimes]

I have recently had a DS who is 3 weeks old. It sounds awful to say but I don’t think I love him as much as I love DD.

I wondered if this might happen when I was pregnant but assumed it would be fine once he was born as when I was pregnant with DD I couldn’t imagine loving her as much as I do so thought the hormones would take care of it all! (I’m not one of those people who bonds with the bump)

Is this normal with a second child?

I wonder if how the birth & time immediately afterwards went is affecting this? DD was a fairly straightforward birth, long but no major complications and I was home a few hours after she was born.

DS ended up as failed forceps and emergency section. I don’t feel particularly bad about the section as I’m glad we both made it through safely but I had to stay in for 2 nights and rather than recovering with DHs help like I would have at home had long periods of being the only person with DS. The midwives made it clear they weren’t there to help look after the baby so I was getting by on 2 or 3 hours sleep for these days (and hadn’t slept the night before the section as had been in labour).

I was really scared I would fall asleep holding DS or drop him or something from being so tired. He ended up sleeping between my legs on the hospital bed so he couldn’t roll off whilst I sort of dozed sat upright. It was really not ideal (and obviously the hospital beds can’t really be made safe for cosleeping) so it was quite stressful.

Since we’ve come home I’ve been able to get slightly more rest as I have DHs help (and luckily he is still off work) and while I like DS, think he’s cute and am fine looking after him, I wouldn’t say I love him yet. Will it come in time as I get to know him?

Compared to how I felt about DD (completely obsessed, hated to hear her cry for even a minute, hated “sharing” her with other people) it all feels quite feeble. Maybe it’s just a second child thing?

I don’t think I have PND as apart from being tired I’m not generally unhappy. Just confused that I don’t have the strong feelings I did last time.

Does anyone else have a similar experience?

I think with the first child it's all so new and the love is a shock. I didn't know I could feel those feelings for another human.

With the second and subsequent children it's not a shock. You have that love but sometimes it doesn't hit you in that overwhelming way.

Also you just don't have time to stare at the baby and obsess over every detail as you are busy with the other child.

Don't be hard on yourself. You've had a really bloody tough time and the love will come. You don't even know the baby yet.

@SamanthaVimes I think this is totally normal! Lots of new parents don’t feel that rush of love with their baby, I didn’t with my DS - it took time, and I fell in love with him as I got to know him. You’ve been through something so massive with the birth, it’s mentally and physically exhausting, so it’s totally understandable that your emotions might go a bit ‘offline’ for a while. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time, it’ll come - and I’m writing this with my own 3-week-old asleep on my chest, so I very much feel you!
Second time round is bloody tough, and I have so much guilt for not being able to give DS as much attention. I miss being just his mummy! But I keep thinking what a gift his baby sister will be in years to come, and all this will be worth it.

I had it the other way round - took me a good while to properly be in love with my first but it was instant with my second. Traumatic birth with my first so I think I was partly in shock and partly hating what had happened to my body.

I had my 3rd son 5 weeks ago. My first 2 boys were quite easy babies suffered terribly with colic. I was young when I had my first and had an EMCS due to high blood pressure and eclamptic fits so had a lot of help from my mum but I loved him from the minute I found out I was pregnant. My 2nd pregnancy and labour was perfect no issues but I didn’t really feel a bond but once he was born it was love at first sight. This time around I didn’t find out what I was having which I think made it harder to bond again with the baby and when he was born I didn’t feel that instant love like I did the first 2. Still 5 weeks on some days are better than others. He is so different from the first 2 he doesn’t sleep in the day, constantly wants to be held, I have anxiety if I have to take him out because he just screams and I have to hold him the whole time. His currently on gaviscon for reflux which sometimes helps and sometimes doesn’t! I can’t get much done in the day time even showering is a luxury these days! I do love him but it’s been very hard as he is so unhappy all the time and I just feel like I’m failing as a mum to all 3 children 😢 hopefully things will get better 🤞🏻

Well, I think it's all different every time to be honest.
I've just had my 5th baby and he's the absolute love of my life. Nothing like I felt with the others (and I would both kill and die for them all.)
I think these things just take time and as long as you're healthy and coping the love will come.

With my 3rd i had a difficult delivery and he was a boy after 2 girls. I struggled.to fall in love with him. I liked him but didn't have that.fierce.love I'd had for the girls. He was 4 months old and I was playing with him on the bed and he squealed with laughter and I knew in that moment I loved him fiercely.

He is 20 now. Taller.than me. His sisters call him a mummies boy. He is all kind of wonderful (as is his 3 sisters) but love.took its time w him .

Just allow it to grow at.it's own pace

You know your first child inside and out, and you’ve watched them grow and develop.
As your second gets older, you do develop the same feelings. But I felt similar in the very early days. I loved him, but I’d have saved the older child first. It soon equalled out.

I had the same with my first. I knew I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe but I felt nothing for at least a few weeks. I had a tough delivery, like you, and I was so tired and overwhelmed that I was completely emotionless. Adding another child into the mix must make it more tiring. Be kind to yourself. It will come, don't put pressure on yourself. Xxxx

You were treated very badly in hospital and you've done really well. You need to give yourself months to form an individual bond. You can't compare the two at this stage.

I think it's normal with a tough delivery, rather than being about birth order. It will grow, keep doing skin to skin, baby massage, eye gazing , snuggles etc. Sometimes some counselling to talk through the birth can help.

Your second birth sounds exactly like my first (and only) birthing experience. It took me a long time to adore my little one which happened around the 4 month mark… I never had that fierce rush of love until he gave me a lovely big smile one morning. I also think your reaction to your first born might have set what you would expect as a standard of sorts but every pregnancy, birth and baby is so so different!

DS is now 9 and the light of my life. I love him more than anything in the world!!

Yes this is how I feel, I like him but would pick DD over him every time

hopefully you’re all right and in a few months once I know him a bit better it’ll come

thank you every one for the reassurance!

I didn't love my baby for about 2 months! I would have done anything to protect him but I didn't love him at all, it was a total shock and I wasn't convinced by my new role in the slightest 😂

Also, you were treated abysmally in hospital - you can always request a debrief if you have lingering thoughts and questions.

Could have written this word for word, don’t worry OP, it’s natural and it will come.

First: instant overwhelming love for both of us parents (which was totally unexpected for me as I loathed pregnancy and had no sense of relationship with my bump at all).
Second: nothing. A sense of needing to look after them but nothing more. A rather traumatic birth and strong encouragement not to consider a future pregnancy probably played a part - also dc2 was much more settled and less demanding so needed less from us It took me around 6 weeks and my husband a little bit longer but certainly by 3 months we felt the same about both children. I felt horribly guilty and spent a long time making sure I was saying the right words (eg "I love you so much") so that they weren't traumatised. I think it helped though. I'm a big believer in "fake it till you make it".

I felt exactly as you describe with my first baby. It was a traumatic delivery too. I felt a duty of care for him, but I didn’t really love him or bond with him for many months - at least 3-4 (funnily enough that’s the point at which breastfeeding stopped being excruciatingly painful too!) Looking back, he was a horrifically difficult baby, but at the time I just assumed that’s what babies were like! I’ve had 2 more since, much more straightforward deliveries, and both of them I felt the bond and love way quicker.

I remember when DS2 was a newborn feeling very sad at some points, because I was missing out on time and cuddles with DS1, while I was stuck on the sofa for hours breastfeeding DS2. I think this is understandable though as I didn't really know DS2 yet, but I soon fell in love with him.

Nowadays I sometimes worry that I love DS2 more! Perhaps because he's my last baby (2 boys is enough!) I feel like I need to savour every cuddle from him while he's still a cute pre schooler, whereas DS1 is now a very grown up 'I hate kisses mummy' school boy!