No Village

[Starywoman]

Hi All
Myself and my husband are very privileged to have each other. However,we have a little baby but no one else to ever be able to help out or for us to get a break even for an hour or two as a couple and alot of days my DH has to work late as I'm on unpaid leave at the moment
Just reaching out to others who are in this position and any ideas or suggestions on how they coped or resources they found useful
? I know there is alot of couples in this position and also know there are alot of parents doing it alone and really salut and admire you 💜

I've been a single mum for 11 years. My ex was not helpful even before we left. If I want peace I wait until DS has gone to bed, or I get up early and have my hour of peace then.

For support, apart from paying a babysitter (expensive, rarely available), the only arrangement I found that worked was to pair up with another mum and share care once every few weeks, good for hair appointments or emergencies.

But mostly I just managed on my own. The pinnacle of my 'coping' was nursing 7 month old ds while having a smear at the same time. 😂 At least I made the practice nurse laugh.

Ya your absolutely right. I know I shouldn't complain as I have my husband and love my time with my little baba but sometimes just would like an hour or two little break or have some one in case of emergencies.
Great tip on connecting with another mum and helping each other..thank you 😀
Well done on the nursing and getting smear...that is impressive 👏 I know smears can be so sore postpartum! You are a legend 🙌

@Starywoman I know what you mean, I had DD during lockdown and that meant that DH and I were pretty much on our own with a baby. My family live in another country, and my MIL only lives an hour away but for some reason seemed really reluctant to come visit even when restrictions were lifted (although that's much better now - I think she enjoys spending time with DD now which means we get an occasional break, which we're very grateful to her for). I think covid had a very significant emotional impact on her because she was extremely difficult to communicate with for a good 18 months or so. Anyway, I digress, the upshot is that I understand how alone you can feel.

There are a few ways you can get a break. As @MintJulia said, try to make friends with other mums, and get a reciprocal arrangement going.

I know money might be tight at the minute but is there an option of bringing the baby to nursery a couple of times a week? That would be good for both of you - the baby gets social interaction and starts getting used to not being with you 24/7, and you get a break too. Our nursery workers have a babysitting service too, for evenings, but again there's a cost associated with that and you end up adding £60-£70 on to the cost of the evening out!

Have you checked your local leisure centre? Some offer a creche for a short period each week. I used to leave ds in the creche and swim for an hour, one evening a week. It kept me sane. You and DH could exercise together.

We were in the same position and it is hard but you will get through it. How old is baby? Once old enough for a bedtime routine getting your evenings back is a lifesaver. Also once they start nursery you can book annual leave occasionally but still send them in so you get a child free day.

By the time they are 4 they should be able to play/watch something while you relax a bit.

Ah sorry to hear you had a hard time also. I'm glad it's gotten better for you guys.We have gone to baby massage and sensory classes and met lots of Mums which has been a saving grace and hopefully I'll build up a deeper friendship with one so that we can help each other out.

I would be reluctant to send him to nursery until he is age 1 and most don't take until that age but hey maybe I'll find a childminder who would help out occasionally when he's a few months older too.

I do really enjoy my time with him and embracing it as it is really special time but I think we all crave a break once in a while, don't we?

Thanks for your support 🙏

Thanks mintjulja I'll look into that :)

Thanks @DreamingofItaly2023 dreamingofitaly. He is 6 months old.
The evening routine is a bit tricky as I am breast feeding and bed shares and won't go down in his co sleeper so when he gets to sleep in the evening one of us has to stay with him while the other cleans up after dinner etc. But our little boy is in a deep sleep which is great so we do watch some TV qnd have tea in bed together most nights which is something we never would have done before but it means we can hang out and have a bit of quality time.

But also I do plan on getting him into his own bed or crib in the next month or so 🤞

Thanks for your support and suggestions x

I was in a similar situation op and I still am to a certain degree but my eldest child is now old enough to babysit! Plus starting school makes a difference (and even pre-school). I totally get the concept of 'no village' and it was made worse by comparing myself to others who seemed to have support on tap from family members etc.

I had absolutely nobody to babysit (little extended family to speak of) and dh worked long hours. I did have friends but they had their own dc to sort, plus I am hopeless at asking for help. My friends were of some emotional support to me though and I was/am grateful to have that. I didn't want to put my dc into nursery/pre-school until they were nearly 3 but this was my choice.

Things are much better now due to the above factors but I was where you are for a good few years. It was a tough time and having further dc, it was prolonged. It will get easier. Are you getting out and about? Perhaps meeting other parents with similar aged dc might be a good starting place.