Toddler misbehaving

[Kya7]

Hi,

My son turned 3 a few days ago, for the past few weeks his behaviour has been horrendous. He’s hitting everyone including other children and adults. Screaming, shouting, winging the whole works.

Ive tried using the gentle approach it didn’t work, I’ve tried being a little firmer and telling him off- this results in crying and seeking my affection. It’s made me feel really bad because as I’ve ignored him he’s come to me asking for a kiss and saying I love you.

He has speech delay, his vocabulary is good but putting sentences together and understanding what I’m saying is difficult.

Not sure how to go about it now, I’m really tired it’s been 3 years of hard work. In all honesty I didn’t think it would be this hard. I’ve done everything I can for him all whilst working. I cut down my days to be with him more but it hasn’t improved anything.

just as an example today-
I took him out and he kept say is ‘ball pit’ thinking we were going there or maybe wanting.
I said we’re going to the park now, but we can go soft play another day’ ‘park is fun’ etc

He didn’t enjoy the park and I regretted leaving the house. He l crying Running around asking for stuff that we only have at home (certain toys) hitting me.
and just mumbling. Throwing himself on the floor not moving.
I also notice sometimes he randomly hugs other kids and I know people have boundaries but some parents and kids can be really rude. I tend to take the frustration out on him- how do I teach him not to hug random people if he has difficulty speaking/ understanding.

I don’t like going out with him because anywhere we go he will start acting like this after about 30 minutes- wanting things he can’t have and then just crying and getting frustrated throughout.

I think the way he acts bothers me more because of other people’s reactions ie when he’s screaming I wish people would stop looking at us as if it’s the first time they’ve heard a kid scream.
or if he hugs someone ffs I’ll tell him no, there’s no need for you to jump and say sorry can you tell him get off or tell your child to push him. Evil people, could be the area I live in but fed up of it all.

dont know where I’ve gone wrong as I’ve tried so hard from the beginning.
feeling hopeless.

Since DS turned 3 in June he’s been the same. Fighting us on everything, tantrums, kicking, screaming…the works. From chatting with my friends with kids the same age they’re all going through it.
Wish I could offer some advice but we’re just trying to get through it with some shred of sanity.

What help is he getting for his speech delay?

Ideally you need to speak to a speech therapist about what systems you can put in place to help him understand.

I would try using pictures and simple language where possible. So if you're going to the park, show him a photo of the park and say 'park'. That way he might have a better idea where he's going/what's going on. You can do this for all the places you go/people you see.

Also, if you know 30 minutes is his limit then leave after 30 minutes. I know it seems very short and almost pointless going but if it stops him getting to the point where he's upset then it's worth it. At the moment he will associate trips out with becoming overwhelmed and screaming, creating a negative feeling around trips out. You then get a chicken and egg situation where he associates trips with negative feelings so is then more likely to kick off and then that in turn makes more negative associations. You both need to have some trips out that end well to break that association.

Thank you both ^^

Its reassuring to hear other 3 year olds are acting out.

I love the picture idea and will introduce that and also like the idea of leaving when he’s had enough to save us from any negative feelings.

speech therapy was appalling. He was referred at 16 months and seen at nearly three. They were telephone appts- focusing on what I could do to help.
Repeating words, short sentences etc everything we were already doing. He would get angry as he wanted my attention and doesn’t understand why I’m on the phone for 1 hour with someone so I let it go

I could have written this thread a year ago! My son was acting just how you are describing your son. My son is also speech delayed.

It really put me off taking him out to different places. I initially thought it was due to the lockdowns and spending so much time at home so he wasn't use to going out and about. But looking back I think it is more to do with a developmental phase they go through where they need some sort control and independence. When they don't get this they hit and throw things because they can't use their words due to the delay.

Similar to what a previous poster has said I would suggest introducing pictures for your day. I created routine cards for the different things we do in the day for example breakfast, getting dressed, park, lunch, swimming, TV time, dinner, reading. Then at the beginning of the day I would lay out what we are doing with the cards and discuss them with my son. I would try to offer him a choice if I could such as do you want to do crafts or board games this afternoon. This really helped him transition from one activity to the next, it also provided me with some structure for the day.

Unfortunately I don't have any recommendations for the hugging other than to say we only hug people we know and to keep reiterating that each time he does it.

For the speech therapy side of things unfortunately I have found the NHS to offer a very minimal service, I am guessing this is due to just too many children needing the service and not enough staff. A new app has just launched focused on speech delay and teaching parents what to do at home. We have tried some of the activities at home with much success. I wish this app was around a 18 months ago when I really needed it! I would recommend giving it a try:

pippinspeech.com/

Thank you so much Lucy! So helpful, I’ve downloaded the app too.

how is your son getting along now?

His speech has really come on. He hasn't been signed off yet from the speech therapy department since his speech sounds still need some work. But we are now able to have conversations with him and other family members are able to understand him a bit better now too.

It is also a much nicer experience taking him out and about now. If he initially says he doesn't want to go somewhere then I show pictures on my phone of the actual place we are going and that usually gets him interested. Or if it's something boring such as hospital appointment or something then I have to try to do something fun afterwards to convince him to go.

I hope things start to improve for you and your son soon.

From the sounds of it it's not just his speech that is delayed, but his understanding too. Have nursery flagged any possible developmental delays?

@LucyBrown88 That’s amazing, sounds like you’re doing a great job.

@MolliciousIntent yeah I do think his understanding is limited too, but no one has said anything yet. He will start nursery full time soon I wonder if I’ll get feedback then

What’s he actually doing to the other kids? Such a strange reaction of the other parents to kick off at a toddler approaching theirs!

My 3 yo went through a spell like this.
Also speech delay but we are also going through the process for an autism diagnosis.

I also found he could only cope with so long somewhere.
So the soft play, he loves it, but he starts kicking off after 30mins.
Now, when I know the time is approaching I get us sorted and leave, and he walks out happily.
He was getting over stimulated.

He also went through the stage of getting overly close to children. Although I've never had comments like you have, and personally don't think there's a need for it.
I would say to him not too close and pull him off them and say you can say hello.
He's learnt to say hello and not get in their faces now.

Is he not in nursery now? I think you'll find a difference once he starts.
It actually calmed my son down.

Im also in the exact same boat OP.

Dread taking my 2.9 year old DD anywhere as her tantrums are so bad just now - she also has severe speech delay and currently in ASD diagnosis.

NHS speech therapy have been absolutely shocking - haven’t seen anyone for months and months. The last time we saw them they handed me a leaflet and said “try that” was so unhelpful.

@Prinnny some parents are so rude, I can just tell now who’s ready for a fight so I stay away and make sure my son doesn’t go near their children.
Im trying not to take it too personal as it was really upsetting at first.

@HSKAT He was in private nursery, I took him out after about a month. I didn’t feel he was ready or settling in.
September he will be starting again and I think he’s in a better place to start.
how long did that stage last for your son?
mom hoping nursery will help

@Skye90 oh boy I feel you, those tantrums give me nightmares.
I think I see some autistic features but again I haven’t received any help or advice from anyone ans our doctor looked at him for 2 minutes and said ‘he’s fine’

overstimulation is definitely an issue for us that needs to be worked on. He gets over excited.
thank you to everyone who’s commented, appreciate it- feel less alone

@Skye90 wow the leaflet is a slap in the face. I got given a few papers too via post absolute rubbish.

I’ve started following ‘raising little talkers’ on Instagram, she has some useful tips better than any speech therapy hes received yet!

@Kya7 that’s awful, how can adults be nasty to a little child trying to make friends! Sounds like you’re doing the best you can!

It took two weeks of no tears at drop off.
He started running in, I was getting great feedback from the nursery workers.
But I would say 6 month for him to be fully confident.
It seems a long time but he's grown and learnt so much. He just needed to find his feet abit even though he loved it.
Good luck and hope it goes well for him.

Thank you! I really am trying.

It does seem like a long time but it’s worth, glad your little one is doing better and I can’t wait till my son is too.