How often do your DC see grandparents?

[MamaS2022]

Just that really!

Please be gentle as I'm a FTM just trying to navigate my way through motherhood.

I'm a new mum, to a gorgeous little 5MO. Very content, happy baby who we all just adore.

We are very lucky to have both sets of parents who absolutely adore their GC. It's really beautiful to see how much they just fuss over her.

I have a slight issue though. My MIL has being taking our DC almost every week without fail sometimes more than that for several hours at a time.

If we're busy, she makes us feel absolutely terrible and uses the word "heartbroken, devastated, lost etc" that she can't see our DC, and that she can't possibly go more than a few days without. Tears, the lot!

My partner has a very demanding job, so when he gets a few days off he wants to just spend time with us. Which is completely understandable.

How we do (well my DH) put it politely that we love my MIL and are so beyond grateful that she's such a present, positive force in our DC life, however sometimes it's just too often?

I feel really bad that I've let it get this far as it's been making me anxious from the beginning but I thought I was just overwhelmed with hormones.

She's such a sensitive soul and the last thing I'd ever want to go is cause a rift and make her feel bad. But I feel like I have to set some boundaries.

Any advice is welcome! X

Just be busy! And when she starts weeping and wailing, disengage.

You want to find a reasonable, rational way to deal with this that doesn't upset anyone. You're not going to be able to do that, because your MIL is unreasonable and irrational and she likely doesn't care about upsetting you. So, you need to decide what is right for your family, and hold that boundary.

is this your partners mother? He can set the boundaries, you don’t have to do this! The tears sound OTT and I would not want to have to deal with that!

However, there’s luck in leisure and in time you might be grateful for your MILs regular involvement, for example if you return to work after mat leave (if that’s what you plan to do).

Totally understand. It will be my DP who will be having that conversation as it's definitely not my place.

She's going to nursery FT luckily! X

You sound lovely, and I think your MIL has just got a bit carried away with it all..

I'd have a gentle conversation along the lines of what you've written here.. you love having her in your children's lives and you're sorry it upsets her but you need some family time too.

She's probably going to be really understanding but If however she's not then gently stick to your guns.

How often is she taking her for the day?

Her response to you being busy would annoy me tbh.

Along the lines of your busy on Thursday as DH is off but you can take her Saturday? Give an alternative.
I say this as if she's just taking her one day a week, if it's more then just say you have plans.

Thank you for saying that. She's got a heart of pure gold, and again she's really sensitive so it's just trying to find the right way to say it's just a bit much! X

Every week without fail. And it's not just a few hours, it's 6,7, 8 hours.

That's a great idea actually. If we can't go one day, or don't feel like it, then we can just offer an alternative or just say we will get back to you about another day! X

Are you happy with her taking her by herself at all? Or would you prefer to meet her for lunch/coffee? I would have hated handing my baby over to anyone for hours at a time - no judgement at all if you are happy with it, but just want to reduce the frequency, but I just wonder if the whole arrangement works for you at all.

Your partner needs to nip this swiftly in the bud. The tears etc are simply her way of getting what she wants, manipulation disguised thinly as sensitivity. Not your problem. Believe me, it'll drive a wedge if not addressed now.

I have started to do this! It has been great. But it's becoming more obvious as she hasn't really spent time with her lately on her own and things are getting a little tense! And no, I'm not really comfortable with it anymore. I honestly feel I've had my head up my arse for the past few months and look back and think "what the hell was I doing letting my DC go for hours on end so young" lesson learnt!

You're absolutely right. A conversation will be had this week! X

FWIW op I see my grandchildren about 4 times a year because they live so far away but it's enough because it has to be.

My daughter who lives locally doesn't have children yet and I rarely see her at the weekend because she's busy living her life. She and her OH often come for a midweek dinner which is helpful to them as they work long hours. Maybe suggest that?

Our DCs grandparents love about an hour away each so about every 6 weeks. Weekends get filled with parties, swimming lessons etc so it's just not feasable to see them more than that.

You might find MILs overexcitement cools by itself once the toddler tantrums start.

I'm so sorry your grandchildren live so far away. That must be difficult! Will suggest this too, a weekly/fortnightly dinner might be a good idea! X

Haha here is hoping! I'll need to start filling my days up even more. I've just been in such a bubble with her, I haven't even been to a class yet! Will sort that asap as there is so many near me and I'd love to meet other new mums too!

We probably see my parents 5-7 times a week. Sometimes it's on facetime tho: physical visits are more like 4-5 a week and even then I feel like I'm round all the time!

How do you find that?

My son is almost 5 and the only grandchild for my mum. My mum has what I would describe as severe attachment issues with him.
She believes it is her right to have him overnight at least once a week.

I'm a single parent so my son may go away with his dad and his other grandparents for a week sometimes, and 2 days in my mums calling me telling me how much she misses him and questioning why I don't miss him (I miss him but I'm not beside myself after 2 days).

It's become a real issue and I've tried to explain that in the parenting heirachy she is not on par with myself my sons dad - so best you try and nip it in the bud.

I have my DGS aged 9 months Wednesday morning till Friday morning every week whilst my Dd is at work. She went back very early so we've had this routine for months and it seems to work.

I now work set shifts to have him and I often call in to see them on my way to work (I work nights)!

It works for us but if you're not comfortable then you should speak up.
You sound lovely and I'm sure if it's done gently your Mil won't be offended.

That must be really difficult for you! I just hope my MIL doesn't get like that!