What should I do?

[pedropony76]

For context I’m 23 and I have a 3 month old DS and 15 month old DD. Their dad is 26. I ended things with their dad not to long ago. I posted on here recently and received so much support and good advice so I’m hoping for something similar.

I’m so so sick of their dad. He doesn’t work and never has. He has no motivation to get a job and I can tell he genuinely doesn’t want too. This means no financial contribution from him at all. He stays at my house in the front room every night as he stays up with DS whilst I get some sleep with DD. He’ll often come to the house with snacks for himself such as custard creams, crisps etc.

Today I asked him where he gets money from to buy things from the shop. He looked me straight in the eye and said he doesn’t know (????). I kept on asking him and said, ‘you don’t have a job, you don’t have any income as far as I’m aware and you don’t give money to your kids so where do you get money from to buy things in the shop.’ Again he said he doesn’t know. He was being purposely stupid and I’m just fed up. We seem to be going round in circles and it’s exhausting.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t necessarily need his help to put DS to sleep every night as he now sleeps around 7/8hrs a night. Should I say he doesn’t stay over and only visits the kids 3/4 times a week? I don’t want to use the kids and say he can’t see them at all as I know that’s wrong. Nothing will motivate him to get a job or give a fiver here and there towards the kids, I’ve accepted that now. But what do I do? He can’t just keep taking the piss and stroll back into my house every night like there’s not a massive problem here. He lives with his mum and has nothing for kids there either.

I’m not sure if I’m making sense but I’m just at my wits end and I can’t do this anymore

I’m thinking he can come round Monday, Wednesday, Thursday around 6pm and do the evening routine with the kids. He can stay until DS goes to sleep and then leave the house. He can also come round on Sundays to see the kids for the day. Not sure if that’s too much/too little but these kids are still his responsibility. I’m not gonna allow him to get out of caring for them. Last time I did that my mental health declined in the space of 5 days because I couldn’t cope at all

I don’t know why you tolerate him in your home, I wouldn’t. I’d expect him to take the kids out.

I don’t know why you started letting him stay over again tbh, you said in your last thread he wasn’t and then you let him again now you don’t want him to again? You really need to decide which one you want, I suspect I know how he’s getting money if he isn’t working he’s probably doing something illegal...

I think you would be absolutely fine on your own it might be a bit daunting at bedtime the first few nights but once you have done it I'm sure you will realise he is just dragging you down. I get that you still want the kids to see him he is their father but as they get older what kind of role model will he be for you children ? He really does need to get a job and sort his life out what a waste and by the sounds of it his lost out on a lovely partner and two lovely kids because of his laziness Foolish man

Or his mum is paying

Possibly but I suspect there is a reason he doesn’t want to tell the how he gets money otherwise he could just say his mum. The op was doing it alone but she has let him stay over again I can’t figure out why as you will get much more rest if you insist he takes them rather than him stay over.

@BiscoffSundae that’s really easier said than done. My son spent 6 weeks in NICU and has numerous issues so I’m constantly taking him to appointments weekly and I’m talking 2/3 appointments a week. I then have my DD to look after and spend time with too. I genuinely need to sleep. My mental health deteriorated so quickly after my last thread because I wasn’t coping properly. It was in the best interest of the kids for him to stay over and it still is tbh.

I’m finally fed up and I’m trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. Forgive me for going back and forth. I don’t think he’s selling drugs anymore (he used to which I just found out about) which is why it’s more frustrating. He won’t just say where the money is coming from whether it’s £3, £4 or £5. I think his mum still gives him money but he just won’t say.

I could ask him to take the kids out but take them where? It makes more sense for him to be here where all the kids stuff is and I just stay in my room or possibly go to my mum’s

Thank you, I think it’s a daunting thought especially after last time when I did it by myself for 5 days and was really exhausted. It seems I just need to do it for good and get used to it

@BiscoffSundae I’m not sure if you think you know my life by two posts but you don’t.

He wouldn’t just say his mum’s giving him money as he’s already admitted that he’s ashamed of that. His mum is the one that told me she still gives him money so he wouldn’t just tell me freely.

To correct you, I wasn’t doing it alone. He’s been staying at my house since DS came out of NICU. I did it by myself for 5 days and that’s when I started my last thread as I couldn’t cope. Maybe let me speak for myself as I’m the one that actually knows my life? There’s no need for me to insist he takes the kids when I sleep 9-10hrs every night whilst he looks after DS. Not going to go back and forth with you as it seems like you want to judge my life over two posts. There’s more to what you see on MN

Anyone else with any advice? Shameful bump