How do you do justice to two kids?

[OutnumberedByNone]

I don't even know where to start. I'm feeling totally overwhelmed and as if I'm failing both kids. Dd1 is 5 and dd2 has just turned 1. I just feel all the time as if I don't have enough time for either child. It's been especially hard in the summer holidays. We've also all been ill so habe been stuck at home, which hasn't helped. Neither of the kids sleep well so dh and me are perpetually exhausted. Dh is fairly hands on and I don't take a minute out for myself during the day but I still don't see how I could make enough time to spend some quality time with both of them. I don't even clean or cook during the day that much. When dd2 is sleeping is try and play with dd1 usually but it's never relaxed because I know that any moment dd2 will wake up. And no matter how much we play or talk or do stuff It's still never enough. Dd2 has just started nursery so is very clingy but except at bed and nap times I get no solo time with her at all. And if dd1 is around she just talks non stop. It's almost impossible to focus on anything or anyone else because dd1 is always talking.

How do people do this? How do people manage with more than just 2 kids? Are we just somehow totally incompetent? I do try and get dd1 involved in everything baby related but I feel like we never soebd any relaxed time together the way we used to. I worry that we will stop being so close or that she distance herself from me a bit or that I'll miss something big or bad going on with her. I feel like I gave her a sibling but robbed her out of her mum.

Dd2 gets a lot of utility time but very little quality timw. I worry that she will struggle to learn speaking because we don't talk to her as much as we did with dd1.

Apologies that this is all over the place and I also keep falling asleep. I hope it makes sense. I wonder can anyone relate? Does it get better? Will the kids be ok?

Involve them in normal activities (cooking, cleaning, shopping) instead of trying to be an “always on” playmate. Children like helping, learn a lot by being included, and it is a normal part of days at home to do those things.

Also encourage them to develop the ability to self-entertain, in age appropriate ways. That’s a life skill in itself, and again necessary when the adults have to do something else.

Forgot to say OFC they will be absolutely fine.

I'm in exactly the same boat but dd is 4 and ds is 9 months. It's really hard! I am going to try and do one baby group a week whilst dd is in school in September and then on a weekend try and take dd out for a bit of one on one time. I just try and think at the moment if you are there and meeting their needs, which you are, they are more than fine.

4/5 is a hard age because there is just constant talking and questions and it's hard to praise the little one because they understand and want the attention. I used to respond to EVERY question dd would ask but I have lowered my standards and just have to block some of it out otherwise I get very overstimulated and can't do anything.

Yes, it will get better, and yes they will be absolutely fine!

Younger siblings learn from older siblings, they might not get the same amount of 1-1 time but they’re surrounded by more chatter and more stimulation.

I’m a single mum (though co-parent so get some time to myself during the week thank god!). I have similar age gap - 6yo and 2.5yo. The 6yo possibly has special needs so isn’t very advanced for his age.

I don’t seem to be having the same issues as you, perhaps because my two play together? And I take them out every day I have them alone. So we would do something like go to the park, beach, meet up with friends. Something physical to tire them out. Then the rest of the day we watch tv together, or they play, or we do something like painting, sand play, crafts. No-one else to do the house work so I do that around them.

I do think now my youngest is 2 and old enough to play running around games with her big brother it’s much easier then when she was a wobbly one year old. Also whenever they’re ill that’s always horrendous. Hang in there!

Oh - you are being way too hard on yourself.

You need to take some time for you each day or you really will fall over. You should both of you get some time out each week. If you are home with them you need to take breaks like any other job.

Being a mother doesn’t make you a one woman edutainment game. Kids will learn because they are programmed to. You don’t need to give kids constant quality time - in fact it’s better if you don’t. A half hour session of playing, a 20 min session of reading and 20 min of focused 121 chat for the 4 year old each day is loads. (No need to feel bad if you can’t always do it.)

Get her to ‘help’ with your activities. And tune out when you need to. As a PP says, teach the 4 year old to self entertain, it’s good for kids to be bored. (Set a timer for her if she isn’t used to it).

2nd kids never get as much time, but they benefit from sibling chatter. She’ll be fine.

Do sleep training. Seriously

It might just be sleep deprivation but there’s a lot of anxiety in your post. Do see your GP if you think there’s an issue.

Honestly it sounds like you are just overwhelmed exhausted and have skewed ideas about what is required. The Holden aren’t suitcases you need to stuff with “quality time” to make them grow. You need sleep to be happy. There are two of you so one of you needs to go to bed early for a few days and then the other.

People don't do better, it's just a hard patch of ages but it's always tricky

People have lower standards

They just get through it

They don't beat themselves up so much

They get as much help as they can

Honestly I can hear the sleep deprivation in your post! You’re doing a great job. I have 3 DC and also feel the guilt that I’m not doing enough with each child. But I figure the trade off is that they have time with each other, and learn from each other. I find that actually quite often the real quality time comes from the incidental stuff, like when my 3yo wants to help make lunch and we end up with a kitchen disco. Or chatting with my chatterbox 6yo on the school run.

My advice might seem counter intuitive, but I think your best starting point would be to carve out time for yourself to rest and recharge (or just sleep). It’ll make things seem less overwhelming and hopefully you will feel less pressure to be perfect when I’m sure you’re already more than good enough.

My mum (who has 4) says it's not about quality time, it's just about time. You sound like a great mum.

I have 2 close in age and it's really hard but I console myself that the benefits of a sibling outweigh the benefits of laser focused mum time.

Tbh it’s sounds like the lack of sleep
is getting to you. I’m sure you’re interacting with both your kids all day without realising it. You haven’t got to be sat with your children at all times, it’s quite possible to leave them to their own devices whilst you potter around.
id focus on tackling the sleep if you can.

You are setting your standards too high/what you expect to do is off. Children don't need attention all the time , they also need to learn to occupy themselves and to be independent (age appropriate),ay together, negotiate their relationship etc. They are learning life skills all the time , they can help you clean and cook . Sounds like you need to try and relax a bit and enjoy it when you can. It is a tiring phase but cut yourself some slack.

A one year old is hard work, eyes in the back of your head stage, add in sleep deprivation and everyone being ill and I feel exhausted already.

I’d do stuff for the older one and baby comes along. Trip to park, bike ride, soft play kind of thing. Maybe meet friends or hope your eldest joins some kids to play with for a bit.

Nap time take a break for yourself too and let oldest watch some tv. Tag team with DH both to have a kid each and to get a total break.

Youngest will be exposed to so much language through older child. I wouldn’t worry about their speech at all!

Yes to encouraging independent play. some kids are way better at this than others. My DS seems to struggle without guidance whereas my DD will just pick up her toys and play by herself for ages. I often start them off and then kind of move away so I’m there but not actively engaged. Also set a target -can you colour this whole picture to make for grandma etc. Pinterest and 5 min mum have ideas of simple activities to suggest/set up that then keep them engaged for a while.

Also 5 year old can help you with laundry, cooking etc. It will be 10 times slower than doing it alone but they love helping. Baby can bang a wooden spoon in highchair or play with peg basket (mine were obsessed with this). Give them a cloth and let them copy you dusting

It’s exhausting and will definitely get better when the youngest is older and they can interact more

Sounds like I dust all the time - I really don’t! My kids loved wiping a slightly damp cloth round the place though and I just let them get on with it.