Terrified for DC2's arrival...handhold and tips please

[MeltdownCentral1]

Hi all.

I'm 26 weeks into my second pregnancy. My eldest will be 2 when DC2 is born. DD1 was an especially high needs baby and my overall newborn experience was horrendous despite staying with my mum for support for almost 2 months! I developed severe PND triggered by failure to EBF I believe.

DC2 is due November and the plan was to go stay with my mum for a bit while I get to grips with the new baby and breastfeeding, but today I found out some bad news and unfortunately my mum won't have capacity to have me and 2 DCs over. She's gutted and I am absolutely bricking it. I cannot go through PND again, not with a toddler and newborn! DH is really supportive but is away for work a lot hence the decision to stay with my mum both times until I could cope alone.

I would appreciate any tips, particularly regarding BFing with a toddler around. I really want to get it right this time :(

Your DH should look into taking Shared Parental Leave so that he can be at home to support you, or at the very least speak to his boss and request that he's not away on work for the first few months.

I know this isn't very helpful but I had the exact same experience with DC1 then DC2 arrived and has been an absolute dream baby which I totally didn't expect. Good luck! X

Like the PP, I had an absolutely awful, awful time after DC1 was born and it took me at least a year to mentally recover from those very dark days. But my experience with DC2 and DC3 was quite different - it was still hard, and I did have some very difficult days, but I never went back to that awful dark and desperate place I was in with DC1.

Good luck to you.

Just to add - I think one of the reasons first babies are so hard it because we place so much pressure on ourselves to get everything exactly right, and we end up torturing ourselves (especially on the subjects of breastfeeding and sleep). But once you have more than once you quickly have to come to terms with the fact that there are no perfect choices any more - everything is a compromise of balancing one child's needs against the other(s). So although it is logistically more challenging, it can actually feel easier because you learn to set more realistic standards for yourself.

Thanks all for your responses and reassurances. @MolliciousIntent DH is self employed and was planning to take time off when I returned home from mum's as he did last time while I settled back in. Unfortunately due to the nature of his work commitments he cannot change this around much now (he could have if we'd known earlier).

I'm going to batch cook in advance and freeze, get the cleaner to come weekly instead of fortnightly and get a bunch of new toys for DD1 to keep occupied. Not sure what else I can do to make life easier for myself but any practical tips would be much appreciated!

Can you send DD2 to a childminder or nursery a few days a week - or mornings & then collect & put down for a nap?

Could your Mum have DD2 occasionally to give you time with new baby?

Does DH have parents who can help?

Do you have anyone that could come and stay for a few weeks? A cousin, or special friend?

My MW recommended a "busy box" when I was expecting DC2. It's a shoebox filled with toys that DC1 only gets to play with when I'm bf'ing DC2. It has things like a bunch of old keys, an old wallet filled with expired cards and sheets of stickers in it. Nothing fancy but different enough to her usual selection to keep her interested. Only letting her play with them when bf'ing keeps the novelty. If she was happy to sit in a playpen without screaming the house down I'd definitely be using one of those too. Most importantly though, just make sure your home is properly childproofed so if DC1 wonders off you don't have to immediately go running after them.

Best of luck, it's really not as bad as you might be expecting. Get yourself a sling and try not to give yourself a hard time over not being able to BF last time or if it doesn't work out this time. It's one of the hardest things about parenting imo. We're not all set up with the bodies to do it easily or at all, and that's totally ok. I personally wish bf problems were talked about more, but on the flip side of that my issues have been quite personal and I'm not sure I want to talk about them with too many people. Reach out for support if you need it, future you will thank you for it.

Just wanted to echo previous posts- ds1 was horrendous newborn. Colic and struggling with feeding made it very tough as well as a difficult birth. Dd2 could not have been more different. 2 year gap between mine too. Birth was easier and recovery quicker. No colic for which I will forever be grateful and feeding was far better - I think partly that was because I was more relaxed and didn’t put the same pressure on myself. If it works great but if not fed and happy is far better than hungry and crying (mum and baby!!) we got out of the house a lot and tried to keep ds busy and dd just came along. You forget how much newborns sleep so actually there is plenty of time to play with older one. I had sling etc all ready but dd actually would be put down and stay asleep - total revelation!! Be kind to yourself. A bit of tv whilst your feeding baby never hurts. Sticker books can save lives 😂 reach out to friends etc too for support or at least adult company each day!

I would like to echo OP. My first baby had reflux was sooo difficult and it pretty much broke me. I was on my knees at that time. Just had my second 3 weeks ago and he is completely different, such a good sleeper and so chill! Keep in mind that each baby is different and you have so much knowledge and experience moving forward. Let is all sink in re your mum and then start to look forward and believe in yourself. You're very strong to get through what you did and you can do this too. Reach out to friends for support. Find new mum friends. Find mum and toddler groups to go to. Ask your mum to come visit you a few days a week.

I'm still figuring out the BF while looking after a toddler (she's 2yo as well). I really think it's a case of learn as you go and it's OK not to know everything or how to do it before you do it. I would say the easiest thing is to plonk everyone down on the sofa, switch on the TV to whatever your LO likes to watch and you crack on with feeding. I'm not sure if your LO is closer to 2yo or 3yo but as they get older they start to play independently for short bursts. I also find it helpful to make it clear to DC1 that "the baby is hungry, shall we see if he wants some milk? Let's feed him and then we can play after." Just make it clear that you will feed the baby and THEN you will give them attention. Beware yesterday I said this and forgot to play with her after (even for 5-10 mins) and then she had an all out meltdown at bedtime which I think was because of this. This morning I said to her "I said I would play with you after feeding the baby but then it was dinner time and then the baby started crying so I didn't get to play with you. I'm sorry" and she instantly went to get the toys we had been playing with the previous day and she has been in such a good mood ever since - moral of the story, always do what you say you will do! I also try to talk to DC1 if I'm feeding about what they are doing if they don't want to sit still or ask her to bring toys to the sofa so I can play with her with my free hand. You will find your own ways of navigating it and as they both grow, you'll find new ways (and I hope I will too!!!)

My second baby was also much easier than my first in many ways. But very underweight and I killed myself trying to get food into her which was exhausting. In hindsight I should have been less precious about EBF but there you go.

Lessons I learned.
Previous DC1 who was happily sleeping through the night in a toddler bed at 2yo suddenly decided that the party was in our room and took exception to their new sibling sleeping in a bassinet with us. So we played yo yo between resettling her and the constant feeding. A) a gate on her room would have discouraged it from the outset and B) I could have created more of an impression of the baby sleeping in her own room? We started joint bath time around 16 weeks. I'd read them both a story while feeding the baby, then put her in her (much too large) cot and leave her to it. DC1 then got a solo story and some cuddles. She was much happier and I could explain away the baby in the bassinet in the morning as somewhere for me to keep an eye on her while I got up and dressed.

I was lucky enough to have help at home in those first few months. If your DH has to work that's fine, such is life and you don't have to justify that to anyone here but can family finances stretch to someone for a few hours a day to do whatever suits you best?

My nanny took DD1 out a lot so I could feed (endlessly) and have some peace and quiet. Unfortunately it gave Dd1 the impression that her new sister was getting cuddles all day and she wasn't. We had to explain that she was so tiny I had to feed her every 20 mins
What I should have done was more cuddles and CBeebies while I fed so she didn't feel so excluded. It would have helped overnight.

If feeding is going well, I've seen people feed a baby using a soft wrap while pottering around a playground in the depths of winter. I've never been able to do that but it obviously gives greater flexibility.

Key for you is to ask for help and assume that things will get on top of you from time to time. It doesn't mean inevitable PND? It is harder with two in many ways but can be easier and less stressful in other ways. If you have people who can help, take your toddler with them when they go somewhere then just ask and be prepared to reciprocate later. We all need support in some small way.

Very best of luck with your new baby and family when he/she arrives

Accept that your child will need more screen time, especially when you're feeding. Don't feel guilty about it.
As for breastfeeding - get support lined up. A local lactation consultant (IBCLC trained preferably).