Demanding Ex….Advice please

[Vi14]

I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant. I split up with my ex when I was around 9 weeks as he begged me to have an abortion and I couldn’t look at him in the same way.
Since then he’s been to the scans and that’s about it.

He is quite immature and his daughter from a previous relationship is now 8, who he doesn’t see anymore. I’m pretty sure he never had her overnight and he lived with his mum at the time so she helped him a lot with her when she was a baby.

I have decided to give the baby my surname as I have another child and don’t want us all to have different surnames. He is not happy with this and has said he should get to pick her first name.

He asked to meet me the other day as he wanted to talk about what is going to happen when the baby is born. We discussed when he would see the baby. I have always said he can come and see her whenever he wants to. I have also told him he can stay at my house in the spare room whenever he likes. Unfortunately this is not good enough for him and he wants to have her overnight even though I will be breastfeeding for at least 6… a year if I can. He has told me to used a breast pump so he can have her overnight. He says I am controlling the situation.

Has anyone been through a similar situation?

Nod and smile

Don't agree to anything

Don't let him live or stay in your house

Just ignore him. Put whatever name you choose on the birth certificate, and not him. Apply for child maintenance. Tell him he can apply to court for set out visitation and to put himself on the birth certificate if he wants. He has no power here.

Absolutely this.
I wouldn't let him stay overnight - once you set the precedent it's very hard to unset it - what happens when you meet someone else?
And the idea that you would let your precious baby stay overnight whilst breastfeeding is laughable.
X

Also I’ve heard so many stories about dads taking the kids and because they’re on the birth certificate and they have parental responsibility there’s nothing the mother can do about it.
Before he started demanding things I never would if even thought about not putting his name on the birth certificate but I am now considering it as I don’t really trust him.

He doesn't sound very nice at all. Don't make any promises that you may not want to keep.
You don't have to put him on the birth certificate, he doesn't have to be involved in naming the baby, and you don't have to hand over a newborn/breastfed baby for overnight stays. You don't have to have him at the birth, either.
Of course you are controlling the situation - you are the one carrying the baby, he already made his position clear. You will be responsible for the baby, while he swans in and out as he sees fit. If he shows consistency and commitment longterm,* then maybe you might change your position, but otherwise, he has very little say.

• Several months of visiting regularly, on time, and being pleasant and helpful while he does so

Don't let him stay overnight in your space. Offer contact little and often...a few times a week for an hour or so.

Give the baby your surname and chosen first name. He might have disappeared from their life in a year or so, so why take the risk of choosing a name he likes rather than what you like? If you're feeling generous, you could ask him to suggest some middle names.

He can fuck off with telling you to pump milk. You'll be caring for a newborn and another child and you certainly don't need people making additional demands on you.

Don't let him stay at yours. Keep distance.

All overnight feeds ? Use a pump?! What an absolute A-hole! A non breastfeeding man will never understand why this is almost impossible. An occasional feed, yes but all overnight feeds! No way! Even if you can pump enough for full feeds and lucky enough to have a breastfed baby who happily takes a bottle from a strange man all night, you'll be up every couple of hours pumping anyway. Maybe if he develops a good relationship with baby and proves himself to be a good dad I'd wait until at least 1 year before any overnights. If you went to custody court there is not a judge on the world who'd allow a Dad overnights in first year if mum not in agreement and is breastfeeding. You hold all the cards, don't forget that!

Don't let him stay at yours or have her overnight. Expressing milk is hard work - don't do it for him if you weren't planning to do it anyway. He can visit the baby during the day at pre-arranged times to start with. Longer visits without you and overnight could be spoken about when she's older not whilst you're still pregnant!

Make sure you give the baby your last name and choose her first and middle name without his input. He might not hang around so you might as well choose the names as you'll be parenting her day to day.

Hi there, my partner (the child’s father) has been through a similar situation and I can share what I have seen as a result of that. I’m happy to respond privately if it helps - it has been quite a journey for us and I recall the hard times during the early years.
To give a quick view on here though, it sounds like at some point you thought having a child with this person was a good idea, and whilst his first reaction was an abortion, since then he’s attended scans , and scheduled a meeting to talk about how things will work. To me, there are signs that he wants to now play an active role.

This doesn’t sound like a single parent situation, it sounds like a co-parenting one and what comes with that is joint decision making. This is just the start of many situations and decisions you’ll make together so you both need to think about how you will compromise and make decisions that are in the child’s best interest.
I too was a breastfeeding mum (my partner and I have a child) so I understand the pressure of BFing and night wakes etc. For this example, it might be helpful for him to spend some time researching breastfeeding, feeding schedules and how chaotic this is during the night. This might help him see it’s less about control for you, but just the practicality of that feeding choice.
For you, it might be helpful to spend some time on father forums and asking fathers on there how they have handled the early years; what worked well and what didn’t work. If you both understand each other’s perspective from a ‘third party’ it might bring balance to the decisions you make.
I think your idea about him staying at your house is a good one - you will be supported and have rest, and it gives you both an opportunity to bond with the baby. He will get to see you as a mother, and you him as a father. I’m not sure if it’s an option for you to stay at his house too (as you are BFing) but if not you could talk about how you will work towards that and how he can take more of a lead during the day etc.
As I said, I have a very similar experience, but from a slightly different viewpoint so happy to talk more if it would be helpful. I wish you both good luck!

That’s it now cut contact until the birth. He is an abusive twat.
give the baby your name and surname

Has he paid for anything for baby so far??

I think his desire for overnights is purely about reducing maintenance. It’s definitely not about what is best for baby.

Ignore his comments about you being controlling. People who can’t make decisions that are in the best interests of their child aren’t the best judge of what is appropriate.

i wouldn’t allow him to stay overnight. That’s just extra pressure on you He doesn’t sound like the type to clean up after himself, bring food and generally contribute.

Given he doesn’t see his existing child, in my experience I’d say he is unlikely to be in your child’s life long term so I would make my plans accordingly and focus on what us best for your DC and yourself.

Don't agree or disagree with anything in all likelihood he won't be interested once the baby is here and he's required to actually do something.

@Charlotte123456789 I never thought it was a good idea to have a baby with him. He told me from the start that he didn’t want anymore children because he didn’t want and couldn’t handle the responsibility.
I was always unsure if I wanted more. We had only been together for 6 months when I got pregnant on the pill.
I feel like he could never handle looking after a baby on his own as he can barely look after himself.
As I have another child from a previous relationship I couldn’t stay at his away from my daughter and wouldn’t want to as his house does not give me good vibes at all and last time I went round it was not suitable for a baby.
I live with my mum for various reason so I have a lot of support.
There is plenty of room for him to stay at mine whenever he likes but as we are not together he doesn’t think that is a good idea.
We both have very different views and values about life. He has already made it clear that he could never follow any of my values at all as he doesn’t agree with the way I look at life.
@Rainbowqueeen he has bought a few clothes for the baby and was quick enough to buy me a breast pump. I managed to get everything else myself except the pram. When I asked him for help with this he said he would try. He has paid the first instalment for the pram but I doubt he will pay anymore.
When I mentioned child support to him that’s when he jumped in with wanting more access if I wanted child support payments. At first he wanted overnight visits from 3 months. Which was never going to happen.
I know that he never had his first child overnight when he did see her.

I will definitely be giving the baby my surname. I am considering not putting him on the birth certificate until he can prove himself and until I can trust him. I am petrified that he might take the baby and not bring her back.