Finally gave in to formula at 19 days post partum. Feel like a failure, need help

[aimeeeleanor]

Finally gave in at 19 days & introduced formula into my Sons diet after exclusively breastfeeding

Our journey…

Born - 3110g
1st Weigh in - 2990g
2nd Weigh in - 3060g
(10 days) 3rd Weigh in - 3040g OR 3080g, the scales showed a discrepancy so had to weigh twice
(12 days) 4th Weigh in - 3090g
(17 days) 5th Weigh in - 3240g
(19 days) 6th Weigh in - 3240g

He had a tongue tie cut at 14 days, before then it was a constant struggle to satisfy his hunger… as you can tell by his slow weight gain

At his weigh in today his weight has stalled again, though the health visitor has said it’s nothing to worry about & she will come out to weigh him again in 3 days, it has rattled me.

He is constantly on the breast feeding, so I was expecting another good gain like the previous one. She suggested combination feeding with formula as I had had literally zero sleep in almost 36 hours by that point with his cluster feeding. I said no but as soon as she left & he seemed settled in his moses basket, I went upstairs for a nap & he immediately started to cry for breast

At that point I just said to my husband to give him a bottle of the pre-made 70ml Aptamil Organic formula we had bought & managed to catch 2 hours of sleep. I was woken up by my husband after the 2 hours for him to feed at the breast again. He took a good 15 minutes from me & seemed ravenous for it. He then slept for 30 mins & has now just woken up wanting to be back at the boob

I just feel like an absolute failure. Like I cannot satisfy his appetite even with supplementing him with formula. I’ve tried expressing breast milk too but barely get anything out, it’s so disheartening

Any words of advice on how to get through this please? Any words of advice on combination feeding whilst still keeping your own supply plentiful

Gosh this is tough. I’ve never experienced love like this before & i would do anything for my son but I feel like i’m failing him

Thanks guys x

I think you're totally wrong and this sort of comment really isn't helpful. All you're doing is adding more guilt onto the people who don't produce enough milk. It happens, especially if the birth was traumatic.

I worked on a sheep farm for a while, and probably 15-20% of the sheep didn't have enough enough supply for their lambs. Also had a mare who had no milk. It absolutely happens!

Oh lovely. You have not failed. At all.

Look at PP advice above on BF.

And above all, whatever happens - whether you end up FF/BF or combination feeding it does not matter. You are DS's mother. The most important person in the world to him. You are doing an amazing job - you grew him and you are now 100% focused on helping him flourish. Please, please remember

1. Feed him. However, whereever, which ever method works for you. Honestly. You will not believe this now, but it really doesn't matter. He has had some breast feeding. Fabulous. If he doesn't now have any more breast milk it will not matter. Feed him however it works best for you. If BF is causing you too much anxiety - stop. If mixed feeding seems the perfect solution - do it. If FF seems like a blissful idea - grab it. If you want to solely BF, go for it.

I get that this is 100% taking up your thought process at the moment. Feeding your newborn is a visceral need. It is how the human species has survivied. But I now look back and smile at two things my HV said when I was at a similar point (my DD was about 4 weeks old).

1. "Panty, if you want permission to give up BF you DO NOT NEED IT. You can just decide this is not working for you." (However, if you want it, here..I give you permission).
2. "When your beautiful DD is at her 1st birthday party, taking her first steps, words, her first day or school, her last day at primary, her 4th GSCE..you will not give a stuff what went into her gob when she was a baby. You will not be looking on at these events thinking "Oh if only I had BF/FF/Given her/Not given her a bottle when she as a baby....you really, really will not care by then. It will not and does not matter as long as your DC is loved and looked after. It feels impossible to believe, but this too shall pass." I didn't quite believe my HV, but as each thing happens (1st year of A levels this year) my HV is actually 100% correct. Whether she as BF/FF is totally irrelevant to my parenting, my love and how wonderful my DD is. It really, really doesn't matter. It took up so, so much of my brain space, anxiety and mental anguish...back then. My HV helped get it in perspective a bit. I still think on what she said though - and laugh a little at how right she was.

Look after yourself.

And remember - you are not a failure. You are caring and loving your son, and trying to do the best by him.

@justdontkno1 it's really unhelpful for mums with low supply to tell them this - up to 40% of first time mums will have delayed milk (whether a day or two, or weeks as in my case). That means their baby would benefit from some formula supplementation for a few days or weeks to tide them over, or longer term.

Also, a lot of the risk factors for low supply are things that would mean a woman in the past or a different mammal wouldn't be feeding a baby (infertility, haemorrhage at birth, diabetes, thyroid problems, difficult birth are just a few of those things).

I was you.

just give your baby formula and know that in time you will feel ok about it

breastfeed is damn hard and when the baby is on you constantly, losing weight, when they say ooooo no dummy is a bad idea, ooooo no don’t supplement with formula it messes with you even more

i was exhausted and after 6 weeks I tried some formula- afterwards my baby fell straight to sleep and so did I !!! I never looked back or tried not to it’s hard but I had to do it as I had other kids and I couldn’t keep sitting on my bum feeding one child!

Mixed feeding is fine. I did it for 20 months! They still get lots of the antibodies when you are mixed feeding because they're still getting some breast milk. It saved my sanity. I needed a break in the evening instead of cluster feeding. I just couldn't keep up with the cluster feeding. My baby ended up more content, and so was I. It's a bit sad when things don't go to plan but once you get used to the idea it's a godsend.

When your baby constantly feeds, it is stimulating supply. Breastfed babies go through stints of this even once breastfeeding is fully established - I used to reckon on spending every 3rd day or so mostly feeding and doing very little else.
The more the baby suckles, the more your supply will increase.
Keep eating and drinking plenty yourself, rest as much as you need to, and keep going. If you need to give the baby the odd bottle of formula so that you can sleep, it's not the end of the world. But if you make it a regular thing, your supply will be affected.
Bear in mind a) that breastfed babies are much slower to regain their birth weight and then put n more weight than formula fed babies and b) some breast fed babies feed for longer and more frequently than you would believe possible.
One of my 3 would regularly feed for up to 12 hours a day - I timed it because I was so surprised by it! The other ( younger) 2 were much quicker feeders.
Just keep going, and do whatever you need to for your own health and sanity.

You are absolutely not a failure. Whatever you decide to do that will remain the case.

Also if its any comfort at all my midwife said this to me while pregnant when I cried because I knew I couldn't breast feed...

"Breast milk is best, thats 100% true, but if you walk down the street and pick two people at random, you wouldn't be able to tell me which one was breast fed and which was formula fed"

As others have said, the main thing is that your baby is fed what they need

I totally disagree @RidingMyBike , in Ireland they constantly push supplementing over the first few days, in hospital I was encouraged to give formula, I didn’t as I wanted my My first was born abroad where there was excellent bf advice and no surprise much higher rate of bf mothers. It’s not delayed milk , my proper milk never came in until day 4/5 , it was all colostrum before in tiny amounts , that’s 100 percent natural , babies are designed to lose weight the first few days and then to start demand feeling to establish supply naturally.
I think knowledge is power , I totally disagree with your points , I found it incredibly unhelpful for people to push formula when I was establishing bf and it’s not a good idea for establishing supply tbh but I totally get how plp need a break and need sleep etc . However the op is exhausted and if she wants to use formula that’s totally her choice especially if it helps her get rest and recover, each to their own.

I second this I was watching a programme about a zoo and they were hand rearing 2 baby primates because their separate mothers were not producing enough milk and they were not thriving, I guess it does happen.

in nature these babies might not survive, sorry to derail on something I'm no expert on but I think people advocating that .mammals all produce enough milk is laying on guilt and its misinformation.

I think you are totally wrong also @QuestionableMouse but tbh this is the reason why the UK and Ireland have some of the lowest bf rates in the world.
I will bow out , congrats op and I hope that you get some rest and enjoy those baby cuddles!

@justdontkno1 delayed lactogenesis is anything after 72 hours (3 days). Some babies will need supplementing before that eg if they have trouble stabilising their blood sugar. Even another day or two past that is heading into dangerous territory.

And it is dangerous territory - I had my baby in an anti-formula hospital, she should have been supplemented as my milk was delayed. She ended up readmitted seriously ill at 5 days old and only narrowly avoided brain damage or worse.

Breast milk is best, thats 100% true, but if you walk down the street and pick two people at random, you wouldn't be able to tell me which one was breast fed and which was formula feD

I understand the sentiment behind this statement but I really wish it wasn't ever used because it's nonsense. There's lots you can't tell about someone from just looking at them on the street! It's just meaningless.

A better statement is that we live in a developed country with good healthcare and clean water and access to good quality formula milk that nourishes babies perfectly well when they can't be breastfed. And if you tried and it just didn't work then it's out of your hands, so there's no point in dwelling on it. Babies have to be fed, that's the bottom line.

If you look at the actual research papers the difference between the benefits of breast milk and formula is minimal.

Oh love, please don’t consider this a failure! You’re not a failure, you’re just feeding your baby

sometimes our milk doesn’t come in, or it’s not enough or whatever, thank god for formula!

my ds went on formula after like 13 days, before then he never slept for more than 20mins! It was AWFUL.

then I fed him a bottle and he slept for a couple of hours and from there we carried on.

we’re on holiday atm, he’s in the studio next door with his mate. They’re both over 6’ feet tall and 16 years old

we do what we need to do to help them grow. Sometimes we can feed them, sometimes we need a bit of help.

Keep going. You’re doing the right thing for your little one

I know it can be so anxiety inducing and full on in those first few weeks with feeding. I think sometimes the weigh ins add more anxiety and stress, it did for me, but it sounds like he's doing well - and so long as he's getting enough wet nappies he's probably fine.

I got scared into thinking my DS wasn't getting enough, that I wasn't producing enough milk (absolutely not true and very rare that this is the case) and I received a lot of bad advice and supplemented out of fear for a while, but we are now EBF again and this works for us.

My son has a tongue tie and I had some issues with his latch (and mastitis amongst other things) but this did mean he would feed for much longer periods. Have you had his latch checked? I found some great support at BF groups and from a lactation consultant and found once the latch was improved everything was much easier.

As another poster said - feeding isn't just about getting milk, it's also about closeness, connection and feeling safe. Cluster feeding is completely normal and a great way for baby to boost your supply (although I appreciate it can be really bloody exhausting and it sounds like it's been pretty full on).

You're not failing your son, it sounds like you're doing a brilliant job and you really want to do the best by him. If combi-feeding is what works best for you both and you feel more comfortable combi-feeding, that's great! Other ways to keep up your supply other than feeding would be to pump or express, but I found triple feeding (breast, formula supplements with the bottle cleaning/sterilising and pumping) really full on and I had no time to do much else! And yeah you can get little supplement tubes and bags so baby has the supplement from the breast, I've heard great things about them.

Also not everyone can express or pump, it's completely normal not to be able to get much if any out when expressing if your feeding him so much, I rarely could/can.

X

Creepy is right

Sorry OP I just wanted to add this note as I wasn't clear in my comment, I meant low milk supply is rare from the outset (due to maternal anatomical or physiological reasons) but I understand further down it can be common for a number of reasons x

I tried to BF my DD (1st baby) but my milk never came in, so she was formula fed from her third day of life, she's now a healthy 2 year old, I didn't fail, if anything, clinging onto BF when it's not working would be more of a failure. The main thing is that your child is fed!

I have 4 kids, over the course of the 4 of them I breast fed, mix fed, formula fed, just whatever it took.
They are 22, 18, 16 and 12 now and let me tell you that it doesn't matter. Not a single bit.
Apart from answering you now I honestly never think about it.

I topped up for the first 2-4 weeks with both mine. I just didn’t have enough supply early on and they needed a boost. I took a lot of fenugreek, oats, non-alcoholic beer (for the barley? Which is meant to be good for it too?!) and a fair bit of cake to get me through it. I pumped when the baby had a bottle, which kept building the supply, and kept them happy. I found by about 4 weeks we didn’t need the top ups anymore, and gradually phased them out. Sadly neither would take a bottle after 6 months or I might have reintroduced one for occasional overnights!

I fed no 1 to 3 years in the end, and no 2 to about 18 months. So it’s not a failure, it’s not even necessarily a setback, or the end of “just” breastfeeding, if you don’t want it to be.

I’d be interested to see the medical qualifications of the PP who falsely claims that women and other mammals don’t suffer from poor milk supply!

As a retired doctor, I’d suggest she looks up breast hypoplasia for a start.
And thanks QuestionableMouse, for pointing out the farming statistics for failed milk supply in sheep.
There is far too much guilt tripping of mothers by breast feeding zealots. Formula milk is quite literally lifesaving for babies whose mothers have low or no breast milk supply.

You are anything but a failure. I've been there and know it's hard but please trust me that you're not a failure.

OP I could have written your post with ds1. He had regained birth weight by 3 weeks, and I was desperately trying to ebf, had help from lactation consultants, had a missed tongue tie cut, suffered mastitis etc.

We ended up combination feeding til 14 months. I was also massively guilty and stressed like you. In hindsight, what I now feel most guilty about is that I put off formula feeding and made him hungry for the first month, out of a misplaced idea that breast is best and ff is a failure. I still remember giving him his first bottle in tears, but then he did a poo and fell asleep contentedly for the first time.

Ds1 had a tongue tie cut on day 3, and ebf absolutely fine. We extended breast fed til 5 yrs.

Both now fine. You're doing your best and so never feel bad about it