Am I depressed?

[Achurchi]

Hi, I noticed I posted on here almost a year ago about feeling the way I do. I still feel the same and I'm worried I have depression. I don't want to be this person anymore. I am constantly grumpy, tired, lack any energy. I know I'm a horrible person to be with. I feel guilty about what it must be like to live with me. How is it affecting my 6 and 2 year old? My husband? I'm a monster to him. Just can't work out how to stop feeling like this. i dont want to go to the gp because they'll just give me drugs to mask it. We can't afford therapy or counselling. I feel like I'm not a person anymore. Who am I? Sorry for the ramble. Got no one to talk to. I told my mum how I felt just before Christmas. She is a very empathetic person and used to work in a sector which helps people like me. She listened and gave me advice at the time but only ever asked me how things were one more time, then nothing. I feel like no one understands. No one cares. I feel like I am disappearing into nothing. I have nothing to look forward to. No career I enjoy or am good at. Once the kids are grown and gone, then what? I've probably messed them up too. I just mess everything up. I am a pointless mess. Is there anything other than the gp I can try?

What do you think is actually causing this feeling?

Honestly, you've mentioned nothing about your situation or background, suggesting this is more of a chemical or hormonal issue. I think it would be very foolish to rule out medication at the first hurdle.

I think what's causing this feeling is not having anything in my life other than work and parenting. I don't get much satisfaction from my work and I find parenting relentless and tiring. There are obviously nice bits too but the relentless bits are so much more 'the norm'. Even when we're having a nice day out, there's still the usual bedtime routine to do etc. I guess I just have nothing else in my life and it's been getting me down for over a year or more, and I don't know how to fix it. I tried really hard to make new friends through my son's school but I think because of covid (maybe) no one really wants to know. I don't have many friends I can talk to as I have lots of friends whom I know from pre-kids era who don't have kids of their own and as I said, I just haven't been very successful at making new ones. I work too so that doesn't help in that regard. Basically i know I am whining and lots of ppl have it far worse. I don't think it's a chemical or hormonal thing either. Sorry if I wasn't clear enough in my first post.

Oh love
What is your job?
Do you have colleagues you like?
I am sure you aren't a monster By the way
MN has been a savour for me over the years
Maybe find something to do for you that isn't work or parenting and you can make new mates like that?

Sounds really tough and I feel for you. You can access short courses of therapy on the NHS though there are often waiting lists. These can be helpful so find out if you can refer yourself in your area or go to your GP to access it.

It might also be worth reading self-help books, journaling, meditating, getting out in nature, anything that lifts your mood or gives you some respite.

Also does your partner do their bit, can they give you a break so you’re not always doing bedtime? Have you told them how you feel? It may also improve as your kids get older but it sounds like this needs addressing now. It does sound like depression. Wishing you all the best.

Yes it absolutely sounds like you have depression.

I think you probably need to admit that to yourself as a first step.

See your GP, you really must. Don't sugar coat it with them. The GP can refer you to mental health services where you will be able to access therapy, yes there are waiting lists but it will be better than not being on one. They may also suggest trying medication. You might find that it does help take the edge off while waiting for therapy.

You can't go on like this, you know that. If you can't afford private therapy then the above approach is the best one.

At the same time, do things that are proven to increase mood: regular exercise, seeing friends and family, doing something that gives you a sense of achievement and/or enjoyment, mindfulness, time spent outdoors and in nature.

Be honest with your mum again, tell her you're not ok and ask her to check in with you regularly. Sometimes people need explicit instructions and it is not because they don't care.

Do all this for your kids if not for yourself.

It does sound like depression and maybe medication would help it would be best to see a GP and describe how you feel. But there also sounds like a lot of practical things you could do too. It sounds like a classic mid life crisis like you feel you have no real purpose as such. What about a change to your job would that help. You could re train start something new or just get a new job. Sometimes a change can be a catalyst for feeling better. Or it could be a hobby that will help you meet new freinds. Maybe an exercise club as that would also help physically with releasing endorphins and lifting your mood.

Thanks everyone. I guess I do know it's depression at the heart of it. Some days/weeks I can feel 'ok' and therefore pretend it's not there but I also agree a large amount of lifestyle adjustments could help too. I am scared of telling a gp as I don't want a label and also know how little help really is available without a long waiting list other than meds but I will think about it. Thanks for everyone's tips and advice too. It helps just to get things off my chest. My husband is good and more than does his bit but he doesn't really 'get' depression so he never really has any advice. It's good to hear other ppl do get it and I'm not alone.

You mentioned that you don't want drugs to mask the depression - that's not what they do. Sometimes depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, and drugs can stabalize the levels. I know when I started antidepressants it was the boost I needed to pull myself out of it.

Hope you feel better!