Why does my DS hate me?

[Callmepale]

I am posting this through tears and having just chucked a bag across the room so am perhaps not in a reasonable or calm state of mind but I am seriously struggling now.

My 21 month old DS is going through all the demanding whiny toddler stuff at the moment and of course it's all normal but what I'm really having a hard time with is over the last few months, he has not wanted me at all.

I persevere but my DH just hovers around despite me saying 'why don't you go have a break?' he just will not stop interfering. This is my full weekend off so I feel it's really come to a head. My DH is clearly stressed out about having to do the lion share of the child care. He screamed 'NO STOP IT!' at DS earlier and I came in and said 'come on lets just take a moment'. I took DS and but he still wanted his dad! I am always the calm laid back one so it's really frustrating that DS is rejecting me in this way.

I've kept my cool about it up til this afternoon when I just snapped. I am trying so hard not to take it personally but it is exhausting giving everything to my little boy, staying cheerful and calm, persevering and ignoring the negative behaviour when it really feels like he'd rather I wasn't there.

Please tell me what to do.

It will pass.
One of the reasons he feels able to reject you is perversely because his attachment to you is secure.
Try not to take it personally. He does love you.

Dh does his fair share but I'm definitely the more involved parent. Always with the kids. Ds is still totally a daddy's boy. Cries if I try to take him from dh. Right now his grandad is here on a visit and he often prefers his grand dad to me as well.

DD used to go through phases of whom she preferred.

I don't think it means much. It definitely doesn't mean he hates you. Try to ignore it.

Do you spend a lot of fun tube wirt ds With me I know that at the moment I do a lot of the utility stuff with ds (nappy change, feeding, etc) whereas dh usually just plays with him so maybe Ds prefers dh for that reason.

I’ve been there and I know it really stings. All I can say is it really does pass. My DS went through a massive stage of only wanting daddy at bedtime, if he was tired/hurt etc. I was so upset about it after it had gone on for a while… I felt we had lost our bond but that wasn’t the case at all. I read somewhere that there is a theory young children start to ‘prefer’ dad as they’ve spent so long almost feeling a part of their mother so moving their preference over to the other parent is a way of expressing their new found autonomy 🤷‍♀️ It made me feel a little better! 😂 In our case he switched back onto me after a good few months and wanted me to do everything for and with him… at that point I wished I could have a moment’s peace!!!

I promise you it will pass. My DS was like this at the same age. I can remember picking him up from nursery after a few days away and he ran straight past me and into daddy's arms. I was devastated. A year later and it has passed (and did a while ago!!). He doesn't have any particular preference for one parent. He would rather have grandad than either of us!

I feel you. Been through it and it’s so difficult. All I can say is it will pass, eventually. Try being the fun parent. So sit down and start doing a jigsaw or playing with a toy and let him come to you. It’s not easy though and I found it really demoralising and sad but it will get better!

Thank you everyone. I think what I find most frustrating is that I feel like the fun one but maybe I'm not that in DSs eyes?

DS likes routine, I get up with him in the morning and get him dressed every day but DH seems to do all the other boring bits. DS only really likes to watch TV, go for rides in the car, eat baby ready meals and do the same things every day - all which DH is happy to facilitate every weekend/evening.

I like to try and get DS doing other activities (I persevere but if he gets really upset, I'll accept this and won't force him to bake, paint etc), I take him swimming or to new places, I try and get him to eat the same meals as us but a bit more cut up and I'm always thinking of new things for him to experience.

It's easy to say, just stick to his routine and let DS lead the way but it just doesn't sit right with me. Shouldn't I be trying to introduce new things and try something different? Still, maybe it's what I have to do, the routine and keeping things the same seems to be what he's complacent with?