Struggling with feeling annoyed at toddler

[Mamabear04]

I'm finding this hard even to talk about because it's really upsetting me. I have a 3 week old baby and a toddler who is almost 3yo. When we decided to have another child we were both worried about how it would affect our LO and really wanted to support her through it. She's been a really good toddler and has a really caring temperament. 10 days before giving birth I caught covid and my OH had to take on the primary caring role and unfortunately I had a difficult birth which resulted in a huge blood loss and 2.5hr surgery. I've also just got mastitis so fair to say I feel absolutely shit physically and for being an absent mother for the past month. My OH has been absolutely amazing and looking after DC1 (he has 4 weeks paternity leave) and doing basically all the cooking/cleaning/shopping ontop of childcare while I basically am healing and looking after the baby. Everyone is exhausted and nothing feels normal or easy.
I basically feel so guilty because I find myself getting annoyed at my toddler for being so noisy and waking the baby when he is almost asleep or if he starts crying or even gurning for that matter she starts crying and screaming as well saying "I don't like it when he cries I don't like the noise!" I just don't know how to help her be OK with the noise of the baby crying. She just can't seem to cope and says "I want mummy" when I'm having to sort the baby out because he needs fed/winded etc. He doesn't even cry that much and is a really easy baby. I feel like I have to help him first as he's in need of food/is in pain with wind and I feel absolutely shit for not being able to comfort my toddler when she is so upset.

In my heart I feel so sorry for her and I try to help her to cope saying things like "the baby cries because he can't talk yet" or "the baby is crying because he is trying to go to sleep, let's be quiet so I can put him in his bed and then we can play" etc but she is just sooo noisy, not even deliberately just because she's a toddler and is acting like a normal toddler. I just honestly feel so annoyed at her even though its not her fault and she never asked for this. It's me that's completely changed her life and yet I'm the one getting annoyed at her when she needs me. The baby slept so well the first couple of weeks so getting him down wasn't an issue but now it takes longer and I'm struggling to do it when she needs so much attention and he keeps getting woken up by the noise of an excited toddler/toys dropping/jumping up on the sofa next to us. I try so hard not to let her see I'm annoyed and try to get her to be quiet without actually saying to be quiet like "come and cuddle in and watch TV with us" or "play with your cars on the rug not the (wooden) floor" but none of it works.
I don't know how I'm supposed to cope when my OH goes back to work. DC1 isn't due to go to nursery until January. Usually my parents look after her 2 days a week but because everyone caught covid just before the birth they've not been able to help as much because they are ridden with fatigue.
I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just need someone to tell me everything will be OK or that someone else has felt like this? Right now I just feel like a shit mum.

You're not a shit mum. At all. You're struggling in a difficult situation and it's completely understandable. The current set up for raising kids is a load of rubbish, we aren't designed to shut ourself in a box and raise kids alone day after day and feel joyful about it. No wonder it's hard. Try to raise some support, no matter how small, from any quarter, contact your HV and see if she can recommend and toddler groups you can take DC1 to while you sit with a cuppa and DC2. People want to help, raise the flag and ask, and take whatever is offered. It will get easier.

Playgroups for your toddler are a good idea. We have a few local ones which charge about £15 a morning if that's an option for you

Thanks @GreenManalishi that's so kind of you to say but the mum guilt is real right now and I'm struggling with "this is my fault thoughts." I do usually go to a mum and toddler group once a week (and would have sent OH with her) but the problem is that it broke up for summer just before the baby was born so her whole routine of toddler groups has been put aside for the past 4 weeks and not due to start for another 2! OH has taken her to a few summer activity classes but just said she cries and doesn't join in with the other kids.

@WonderWoop I've tried to go along to more things like this but everything in my area or even wider area is full up and the waiting lists are massive!

This sounds so hard. I have a toddler and I'm about to have my second and I'm nervous about this - I remember being in so much pain after childbirth I don't know how anyone deals with two kids feeling like that! Hoping someone posts some really good advice I can use too!

I've read a few posts that suggest giving your toddler a few minutes of really good quality playtime when you're without the baby helps them be a bit more compliant and less demanding the rest of the time. It might help your DD find the crying less annoying? Attending to the toddler's needs first where possible. Also using a sling (when you're physically up to it) for the baby to sleep in so you can still get things done. I think when they're small they actually sleep through quite a lot of noise generally?

Remember you're only three weeks in and you're all exhausted and adjusting but this phase won't last forever!

When DS2 was born I made a bag of 'special things' that DS1 could only have when I was feeding/ getting DS2 to sleep. A 'treat' snack and a couple of things he could do on his own. Along with the promise that as soon as baby was asleep we could do "big boy stuff".

Everything will be OK. It doesn't feel like it now, but it will.

youve had a really tough start with DC2. You are doing all the right things though - expressing your annoyance with dc1 would make it worse not better.

could you try some little games with dc2 to help her like the baby more? You can “blame” the baby for as many GOOD things that happen as possible by pretending baby is talking to you. So you lean in and pretend baby whispered something to you, “oh baby says there is something yummy in the fridge, and she says it is wobbly and red and nice for pudding… shall we go and see… oh look baby left you some strawberry jelly!” . Or, “baby says she would like to go out in the sunshine and splash her toes in the paddling pool with you, shall we all go in the garden?” Or, “baby says she likes the music from Twirlywoos - she wants to know which one is your favourite. Let’s watch some together”. When she draws a picture, tell her baby loves it and stick it up with bluetack on the outside of baby’s cot etc. A relentless PR campaign on behalf of baby could redeem her image as a life-wrecker.

I felt absolutely awful with mastitis, and I hadn’t had a major surgery and Covid. Physically you are broken; you will heal and you will feel better able to cope then.

this is very hard advice to give, but I’m also going to recommend if you are able to get out of the house with both kids, do so - as soon as you are physically able to walk. I remember having to brace myself to drag dc2 out on the school run in an especially cold January ten days after I gave birth and finding it so exhausting - I remember my dh taking me out to practice, and I literally couldn’t push the pram up the smallest hill that first time! But I coped, and a gentle 1.5 mile walk twice a day did me a huge amount of good. If you could get dc1 on a balance bike, and slowly toddle to a local playground, you might find the fresh air helps massively. You could take a picnic and dc1 can be in the pram, dc2 can play with you. The baby will love the fresh air and crying sounds a lot less loud outdoors.

Not your fault. They have incompatible needs. It's just shit for a while. I felt exactly like that.

On the other hand, over time this is an important benefit of giving your eldest a sibling. She'll learn other people have needs that need to be considered.

To be brutal, you need to be less wobbly and a bit more practical. Guilt doesn't help anyone. Your DC needs you to be calm and clear. This is the new normal. She'll adapt. If you are upset you'll be inconsistent and that could be more unsettling for her.

Practically, can you bring forward the nursery start? Could your parents do little and often, eg take her out for an hour or two rather than a full day? Or they cd watch the baby so you can play with the toddler 121?

Have a routine including something to wear her out morning and afternoon, some quiet time, reading etc. When the baby's a bit bigger you can work in feeds and naps around this. My dc2 mainly napped in the sling so we cd go wherever.

Have a special bag/basket of toys just for nap and feed times, that she wants to play with but aren't noisy. DD used to love usborne dolly sticker books and wooden magnetic dress up dolls.

Give her a role to include her, eg sing a lullaby if the baby cries, bring a muslin for feeding, bring a baby toy. Get her a baby doll she can hold and burp etc.

If in doubt, go out. Even if it's ten mins round the block. It's sometimes claustrophobic at home and fresh air can reset the mood. Make it a snail count/bird watch/muddy puddle splash if you need to.

Make everything else easy as possible - hire a cleaner if you can afford it, use online shopping and have easy meals. Lower your standards!

It gets easier over time. Your baby will get used to some noise - I have videos of ds snoring away while my toddler plays with a tambourine two metres away! Good luck. You've been through a lot, be kind to yourself.

I really feel for you as I've had all of those thoughts and felt similarly guilty with my own two children. Could you start your daughter at nursery sooner? My partner works shifts and we have no family to help with childcare, so after his pat leave ended I was on my own a lot. There was a lot of stress on those days and despite my best efforts neither child got the attention they needed. We increased my eldest's nursery days to four a week as a result. We found that being in a baby-free environment with his friends was less stressful for him and gave me and baby a chance to have some quieter time before collecting him.

Babies don't need quiet tho, background noise (even a loud toddler) doesn't not tend to stop newborns falling asleep. I understand the feelings you have tho, it's normal and you're not a shit mum. You need more support, a good routine for the toddler (not the baby yet) and some time.