3.5 year old. Really struggling to connect

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I have a 3.9year old and an 8month old and feel like I have totally lost all connection with my eldest.

hes becoming increasingly hard work and challenging now baby is crawling and getting into things. Often he seems to actively dislike me, he ignores me, refuses to talk in anything other than baby talk “goo goo gaga”. Tells me he doesn’t like me, says rooms are just for him and daddy and baby etc.

it’s stupid and petty but it’s really getting to me. I try not to show it and not give him a big reaction when he does these things. I had a dose of pnd/trauma after he was born and really struggled to bond - I feel like we didn’t properly until he was about 18months so I’m very paranoid feeling like we have a poor attachment and that I’ve damaged him. And then thrown in another baby who I bonded with immediately into the mix and the guilt is unreal.

I don’t know what to do. I really struggle to get any time with him 1-1 and when I do he doesn’t want hang out with me. he's generally so unpleasant when we spend time together that it feels like a constant vicious circle of constantly telling him off as he’s pushing every boundary and I feel shit alongside it that I can’t manage my own 3 year old.

he has been toilet trained since he turned 2 except at night when he wears a night nappy (he has only woken up with a dry nappy once ever so we feel he’s not ready to night train) tonight I gave him an extra 10 min to play in his room before bed while I dealt with the baby who had just woken up and while I was out of the room he did a poo in his nappy on purpose. He did this last week too just deciding not to use the toilet.

is this a control thing? Is this an unhappy thing? I feel like he is an unhappy little boy at the moment and I don’t know how to help him.

apologies for the brain dump it’s been a truly shitty bed time and I feel like I’m failing him at every turn.

Hi OP,
I can't totally help, because your basically describing the situation that I fear for the future! I struggled with bonding with my first, thanks to PND, and it took a long time. I'm now pregnant with our second and already worrying about the change in dynamics in our relationship.
I can't advise you from experience (yet) but I can give you the advice that I'd hope to be able to give myself.
Firstly, definitely treat yourself kindly. Sometimes I think I over project on my 3 year old- I imagine he can read my mind, and I need to feel super connected to him at all times or hell be damaged. Actually, I'm sure he's on the whole very unaware on my inner turmoil!
So just do things that you can DO, even if you don't feel super connected. When I'm feeling a bit weird, I try and read my son stories, as its low on effort for me and it feels as though I don't have to 'fake' anything that I'm not feeling. Stories, or just lying in bed with him when the lights are off, and asking about his day. Somehow those two things feel a bit less intense. Maybe you could do some not too intense things with your son? Like set aside just half an hour for stories or Duplo each day? It might not help you instantly connect but it might be a nice part of a routine for your son, and he might be keener on it if you do it every day?
The second thing I would suggest is, have you had any contact with the perinatal mental health service? They were great for me when I struggled to bond, and as you're still postnatal, I'm sure you'd be eligible for some help. And it might help to have some therapy to get to grips with some of the guilt.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this- it's definitely a position I'm sure I'll be in in a year's time! Don't forget that the guilt you feel is a sure indication of strong love. But I completely understand, when you've struggled to bond in the past, it really leaves its mark and is hard to totally shrug off. Sending lots of love

Yep you have a three-nager! Doesn’t hate you, he’s exerting his voice and pushing his boundaries. You need to make sure your own personal guilt and depression isn’t affecting your parenting. If he’s rude and doing naughty things punish as you would irrespective. Try and carve out a daily thing you do together, be it a bedtime book or choosing his morning outfit if you can. Include him in baby things even if it seems fruitless the first few times.
be kind to yourself, 2 kids is a slog without lumbering yourself with a load of unfounded guilt!

hi OP, sorry you're having such a rough time. I've got a slightly older DS, slightly younger baby, but very similar issue and a bit of perspective that helped me is that my DS has always been hardest on me because he knows i love him unconditionally (even though we had a rough start too!). Echoing other posters, do you get some MH support? Would you like some?

He was better behaved at nursery, ate new foods, great listener, sweet and compliant - with me he pushes boundaries and is rude, particularly when he's tired or feels vulnerable. I tell myself that's because he knows I'm a safe place. I know how hard it can be! For my DS he's communicating uncertainty about his place in our family and I'm trying to be patient and steady and show love (and I'm sure you are too!). I tell him I love spending time with him and it's my favourite part of the day and I try and show that with my face and body too. That's hard to do when you're at your wits end! Make sure your cup gets filled too.

In terms of actual practical advice! Seems mean but telling him the baby's a bit rubbish and boring and can't do anything good is very popular! We also play a game called 'if' where I create crazy situations and remind him I'd love him anyway like... 'I'd still love you if you were a slimy worm! I'd still love you if you turned me into a pumpkin! I'd still love you if...' you get the idea. Mainly toilet humour unfortunately but he is very still and focused for it so I think it meets a need? Good luck!