Only Child - did you deliberately choose to have just the one and why ?

[Katty68]

My DH and I are both 36 (i.e. over the hill ) and have a gorgeous little 5 month old baby boy. We had decided even before he was born that we would have just the one. Our choice has been based on many factors, including our age (I don't fancy running after 3 small children in my 40's !!), our careers, our finances, etc.. Is there anyone else out there who has made a similar decision ? In particular what do you think are the major pros and cons (for both parents and child) in a one child family ? I would be interested in hearing from you.

I'm the same as you. Careers, finance. I didn't want another child because I felt that with our situation, it would be unfair on both of them.

I absolutely uphold everyone's decision to only have one child. Why not? It's often irritating this pressure people can put upon you to have more than one. I have two, and don't want any more than that. Having more doesn't neccessarily mean 3! And having children is hard work, but we don't have babies, we have emerging adults.

However, I do have a friend who is an only child whose parents were "older" parents (esp. for their generation) adn now they are in their late 70's and succumbing to the ravages of ageing, he finds it an enormous strain to have to cope with their illnesses by himself without the support of another family member to share this with. I believe he has some distant cousins, but not ones he sees regularly. He feels enormous personal pressure to have to support them, because if it isn't him - who else will?.

I feel for him as to how he will cope when one day he has to inevitably see them pass on, and will have no close family to share his grief with.

I don't mean to put a bummer on the whole affair, but it was one (I have more) of the reasons why I chose to have another.

Katty -I am 36 and a mother of one child at the moment. Am back at work and love my career and have considered leaving it there. Like Catbert I support your decision to do so. You asked about the pros and cons so first I'll tell you why I've decided to have another..(If I can)

It's partly to do with wanting her to have a play mate but it's also really about her future. My dad died three years ago at only 59 (It doesn't only happen to ageing parents) and I don't think I could have coped without the support of my two sisters. ( They were the only people who knew exactly what I was going through, even though my dh was lovely too. This is partly why I feel the need to have another - so she has company now and support when I'm gone. (Morbid I know but the death of someone close makes you think like that a bit!)

However, I envy you a bit for sticking by the decision to have just one, Like you I love my career and I know that having two children will inevitably mean me really having to downsize it at some point. At the moment me and dh work full time and have a nanny. DD is 14 months old and I love her dearly but I'm far more knackered after the weekend than I am after the week! Also, now I get to sleep for full nights at a time I dread the thought of having a baby again. (Not to mention going through labour again)

I've posted on the other thread - and my reasons actually echo some of the reasons here. I had my first at 38 and expecting my second at 41, so think you are actually practically at the bottom of that hill - seriously, I don't think I'm old - and dh is ten years older than your dh and he's not old either. In fact, being older actually made me quite keen to have another for the reasons that Catbert and raggletaggle have mentioned. But mostly I would say, it is a very personal decision and one that only you can make for your life, your personality and your circumstances.

We're stopping at one DS (3) makes our family complete. Personally we don't feel the need for anymore. Theres pros and cons with all size families. I'm 38, but not sure that has a lot to do with it, we both feel happy with 'just the one'.

Thanks for your views. I am the youngest of three and as my mother was married at 17, she is only 66 now. My beloved father died when he was only 62. Unfortunatley I am not very close to my own brother and sister (they have 6 children between them), so I know that there is no guarantee that siblings will inevitably love and support each other. In many ways I have "felt" like an only child because I hardly ever see my own siblings. It has always been my parents who helped me through the crises. I am lucky though that my husband has a very good relationship with his brother and sister and we have a very friendly (and large !!) extended family in my native country. I have lovely cousins back home who have small children. I think extended families are very important to an only child and I intend to take him to my native country at least once a year so that my DS will be able to maintain those contacts throughout his life. I hope I am doing the right thing.

we're stopping at one as well. DH only wants one - he was an only child, and very happy about that, and I had problems with anxiety disorder/depression during PG, and don't think that the hormonal shifts during PG are good for my mental health, and am worried about going through that again.

i think it's a personal decision - whether you want one or ten. but like just about every aspect of parenting, it's up for public discussion and nosey comments by all and sundry!

Katty68, it sounds as if you are doing absolutely the right thing for you.

Just wanted to add my agreement with that. Katty you are doing the right thing. Families come in all shapes and sizes and your extended family sound great. As I say a big part of me envies you!

We have one ds (8 months) and I don't think we're having any more. Age (40 me, 41 dp), finances and lack of space are among the reasons. Also ds has a 9-year old step-sister. I do worry that he won't have anyone his own age to play with at home. I also have visions of us on holiday with ds trailing around sadly after his old mum and dad because his big sister is too cool to hang around with a young kid.

I asked my step-daughter recently if she had minded being on her own when she was younger and she said that most of the time she was happy about it, but sometimes wished she had somebody else to play with.

Otto, you can take a friend on holiday with your ds! Really. We took our stepdaughter to Centreparcs before ds came along, together with a friend of hers. It worked fantastically well, they were off together the whole time and dh and I were standing there, gin in hand, thinking 'Um, what do we do now?" Or go on holiday with friends. Only children don't have to be lonely children. My stepdaughter misses it!

I have one ds 10 and never thought it would bother me but now I wish I'd had another for many reasons but dp says he's too old(44) and so we are staying as we are but as time goes on and he has grown more independent I have regretted it

I was only joking about the holidays. We've never had a problem with sd on holidays as she is very sociable and always finds somebody to play with. I'm hoping that ds will be the same.

I'm very near the point where I've decided to stick with one child. In my case I've tried for #2 for over two years without success (I've had two m/cs). Like others, age is the major factor - I'm 38 and DH almost 40. DS is an August birthday, so if I became pregnant in more than one month's time there would be four actual years but five school years between him and a sibling - too big a gap for them to play well together. As DS gets older we're looking forward to doing more adventurous things with him - going on safari, etc - and a new baby would be a huge step back. It's good to know that others feel happy with a decision to stick to one. I'm hoping I will be when the time comes.

We did not intend on having any more after ds1 was born & got sick & tierd of everyone asking when we were having another (b4 he was even over the colic!!) & saying that it was unfair etc.
We, like u were happy with our 1 child, but other people just would not accept our decision!
As it happened, I fell pregnant again while on the pill so all our plans went 2 pot!
I suffered from both anti natal & post natal depression, as I could not get used 2 the idea of the situation & my dh was very distant throughout the whole pregnancy.
I now would not be without ds2 (although life is much harder!) & can see the advantages of having more than 1 child, but if I could go back in time & not know ds2 I would still only have 1 child.

Ahhh, a thread after my own heart. I struggle with this decision frequently. Initially I wanted 2 children as both of my parents are only children and I saw the downside of having to deal alone with elderly parents. However, I can see now that I will be the one caring for my parents with little or no support from at least one of my 2 siblings so there's no guarantee of help in that aspect.
Also, like MTS I had horrible PND as well as lots of complications in my pregnancy and have decided I can't face the possibility of going through that again.
DS is a fun little boy and stopping at one means I can devote more time and energy to him so that's a definite upside.

Delighted to read this thread. Ragtaggle could be me....I have all the same thoughts on the subject.
I think the thing that has alarmed me most is how flippin fast the 'normal' time to have a second child comes around BUT I know my parents will be gutted if we don't have more. I also suspect that I will look back in years to come and regret not having had more children as all the sleepless nights and practical issues will have faded by then.
My DS is just 1yr and he has exceeded my expectations at every turn BUT I dread being pregnant again, the birth and the first 6 months...and reading all the threads about the impact of the second child flys completely in the face of my previous theory that it must be easier once you know what you're doing.
This is all made worse by the fact that the other mothers in my mothers group are all super mums and simply can't wait to have loads of children....two are already pregnant a second time! I always feel like the grouch of the group.
The bottom line for me is the prospect of having children has never been a exciting to me and there is no excitement about the prospect of a second but I know that when he/she is born and their personalities emerges I will cherish them and find a way of coping with the challenges.
Anyway, really wanted to say it's great to read all your comments and know that there are 30/40 something mums (like me)with careers (like me) who feel exactly like I do. I often feel totally divided from the mothers I know who are 'career mothers' and seem to float through the whole experience with 'Stepford Wife' ease whilst I, the eldest and theoretically most sorted, struggle to wash my hair at the weekends!

I feel eactly the same as you decmum - scared at the thought of having a 2nd but know that if I don't I might regret it, and after the 1st 6 months are over (and the pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding) I'll be glad I did!

Also wanted to quickly say that I know three only children (adults now) and they are well and truly the most sorted people I know. They are all very independent, extremely sociable, charismatic and seem to carry less baggage about what other people think about them.

Sure, they all say they feel the weight of parental responsibility but then in a great many families one child will carry all the responsibility anyway.

Some pros for the child: Parents have limited time and financial, physical and emotional resources. With one child, the child is likely to get a bigger chunk of these resources.
Home is a tranquil escape from the everyday conflict common within multi-children families.

Parents of 1 need to spend less time on mundane chores. They have more time and energy to be individuals.

Thanks I guess I will have to wait another 4 years when I turn 40 and then people will stop asking ! You are right. People will always find something to criticise - so can't win can you ? My mother has 8 brothers and sisters (from the same mother and father) - so imagine what people make of that ? My garndfather was a very successful businessman who could actually afford a big family, but people imagine quite the opposite and think that my mother must have been poor, because "only poor people" have lots of kids !! What rubbish. Another funny case is my Irish friend (has no kids yet) but always gets asked "are you from a big family ?" - as though all Irish and all Catholic people have big families !!