Going it alone for a week with toddler and new baby?

[marvik]

My daughter is expecting her second baby in late September. Her toddler my grand-daughter will be 2 and a half then. My grand daughter is a great source of joy to her and to us. She is also non-verbal, can be distressed when things don't go according to plan, and is awaiting a paediatric assessment to find out whether she's on the autistic spectrum. (No hearing problems). So the arrival
of a sibling might present some extra challenges for her. My son-in-law who is very work focused has arranged a week's holiday to play sport with a group of male friends in mid-October.

My husband and I have concerns that our daughter will struggle to manage at this point. She became very tired and low and ill after our grand-daughter was a few weeks old, and there were really broken nights, feeding problems - and needed quite a lot of practical support from the wider family at this point.

So we offered to stay - with them or nearby - when our son-in-law is away to give a hand. They are in Scotland and we're well south of the Border so dropping by isn't possible. Also I'd need to book leave because I work in a small team. But our daughter has said she will manage while our son-in-law is away and all she really wants to do is get my granddaughter and the new baby settled into a routine.

I do want to respect my daughter's wishes. I also know that the trend among younger people generally seems increasingly to be to not want visitors etc - even the sort who will clean, cook dinner etc, play with a toddler, do laundry etc .

But would you be concerned if you were in my shoes..?

No I wouldn't be concerned. She knows you're there if he needs you. I'm also like you're daughter. Prefer my own company and don't like too many visitors, even close family. We all have our struggles, it doesn't mean she won't be able to cope. It's nice you care so much though x

Sorry for poor spelling and grammar. Mobile autocorrect!

I think she would have told you if she wanted you to stay. It’s really kind and caring for you to have offered.

i have two kids with a larger age gap and I am on my own most weeks with them as my husband works abroad. We are used to it and I don’t struggle at all. I struggle more when he is back sometimes as he expects the house to be spotless and I expect us to go out and have fun.

it is definitely harder with a smaller age gap as my friend has just had a baby with a two year age gap and it did completely surprise her how difficult it would be with the older one reacting so strongly. She says the baby is easy, but the toddler is really hard work,kicking and biting them etc.

is there somewhere she can take her DD to get a break during the day? Does she go to a nursery etc?

I have an autistic 5 year old girl and she has a little sister (2 yr age gap). So I was in a very similar situation. I know you’re grand daughter isn’t diagnosed yet but assuming she is autistic, does add difficulties to having a new child. My own daughter was not able to “help with the baby”, I couldn’t have a conversation with her, she got seriously distressed by her baby sister crying (the noise and the worry of it I think). It was hard.

Anyway, I don’t know your relationship so it’s hard to say…if she’s told you she’ll be ok you don’t have much choice but then, parents of 1 child do not get how exponentially harder it gets with 2 kids, especially with a small age gap and even more so if your child has additional needs.

People suggest getting out with the baby: your autistic child however cannot cope with a new, noisy environment, or a motorbike zooms past and they are distraught, or they need to sit on a swing for 30 minutes and won’t come off (and bribes don’t work and you cannot communicate with them). My daughter had a total meltdown (not a tantrum) at a children’s Center once because of a noisy instrument that went off suddenly. I had her baby sister with me too. An unhelpful helper tried to explain to my 2 yr old I couldn’t pick her up. Of course I did pick her up and scooped her to safety. I’m only saying this as posters who have no idea of the additional challenges when your older child is autistic will make suggestions that are not viable or helpful.

If I were you and it didn’t cause me too many problems I’d be tempted to book that week off work and be on standby just in case.

And just to say mine are 5 and 3 now and they are the best, most lovely girls.

Your daughter knows her elder child's challenges (better, with all due respect, than you do) and whilst its lovely that you care, sometimes close relatives insisting upon helping because they know best is a bigger source of stress than the baby and toddler!

I have a smaller age gap and knew I didn't want anyone staying in the house but didn't want to upset my mum, and my dad rang me and very clearly insisted that she wanted to help and would be heart broken if I didn't let her. So I let her come and stay and lo and behold she established herself in my nursing chair and tried to keep hold of the baby (who I was exclusively breast feeding and didn't feel comfortable handing over for long - before she arrived I'd been carrying him in a wrap all day while I paid attention to the toddler happily) and give me unwanted advice/ criticism for two weeks.

She was utterly convinced I should be grateful she was there "to hold the baby" so I could "get on" - but I'd just had a baby whom I very much wanted, and it actually caused me significantly more stress to hand him over for hours (and have to be very insistent about taking him back to feed and change - she just rocked him and sang and didn't show any inclination to change his nappy) than carrying him in a wrap!

For some people it is significantly easier to do things their own way than have even the most well intentioned relative insist on providing help. No matter how sure you are that she needs help, the very fact you believe you know better than her doesn't bode well - even if you turn out to be right!

Rather than pushing, if you genuinely want to provide a safety net for your daughter, book the time off work and be very clear to your daughter that you can come up at the drop of a hat in that time - without saying I told you so - and will be delighted to do so.

Perhaps discuss with her coming up for a short two night visit in that time - staying nearby - not to "help". That way you don't "waste" the time off and she can ask in person for help if she is struggling. That's what I did when my third child was born - was very clear with my parents that they were invited to visit as guests but asked them to stay near by (the house was full of children anyway!) and it was multiple times less stressful! I don't think our relationship would have survived another live-in "help" visit.

Thanks for the responses.

Holding small babies - especially family ones - is great, but I am also the sort of person who - even with my own two - found I especially enjoyed the stage where they began walking and talking. I'd seen myself very much an extra pair of hands to do chores, change nappies (for grand-daughter, new baby etc, especially if, there were any complications relating to the birth.)

What beltloop said was particularly useful. My concerns do very much relate to my 2 year old grand-daughter and the issue of how, as someone who doesn't seem neurotypical, and who is very young, she will adjust to changes

My grand daughter will get hooked on a particular activity - wanting to spend hours going up and down the same slide in a play area - and refuse to stop even if it's time to go/another child wants to play. Coaxing and persuading doesn't work -- she tunes that out. My daughter has to physically pick her up and remove her and then there's a lot of distress.

My feeling had been that if I were on hand to make sure my grand-daughter was able to do favourite activities, and to provide a bit of continuity with routines, that could be a positive help.

Fortunately there is a bit of time before it all happens, and booking a bit of leave at that time is possible. (Can always sort a last minute break elsewhere if the new baby is an easy one, grand daughter adjusts easily, and my daughter finds all goes exactly as she hopes/plans.)

No, when I had a baby and a toddler, I wanted to get myself into a routine so that I felt like I could do it; having help wouldn’t have helped me in my situation.

DH travels overseas for work a lot, and if anything I found these times easier as I was able to stick to my
overly! precious routine.

You sound like a lovely DM though!

What the hell is the son in law thinking of?! Not acceptable behaviour at all. She's probably embarrassed what a terrible father he's being and pretending everything is fine and that she can cope. What if she has a C-section? What if she has a traumatic birth? What if she's overdue? What if there's complications and she's still in hospital or the baby is? Thank god she's got you and her dad to love and care for her because her husband clearly doesn't.

Yes absolutely bonkers for son in law to be buggering off for a week. Completely selfish

I’d be concerned that my daughter was married to such a selfish man.
I would be worried that she was faking / assuming confidence in order to minimise his selfish behaviour.
How much time do you have to give to book leave? Can you just take a few days off to be in standby, so it doesn’t look like you are waiting to rescue her?

I have to agree re your DDs husband but sadly not much we can all do about that.

I agree with pp that she is probably (unnecessarily, as it is no reflection of her) feeling defensive about her husbands uncaring behaviour, and has possibly implied from your offer to come at that time that you don’t think she can cope independently. I would suggest unlinking your offer of help/ visiting from that week and make it more general, ask her if there is any particular time she would like you to come and stay nearby. Then if she is struggling that week he is away, she will at least have your visit to look forward to. Perhaps she feels it will be stressful having visitors to the house even family. You could offer to respect her routines by only making short house visits but be available to drive her to appointments/collect the toddler for outings, if that would be workable/ fit into her routine, to give your daughter some time with the baby.
Depending on finances/ whether she would find it helpful, you could offer support in other ways in the newborn weeks, for example offering to arrange a meal delivery service/ COOK package, a local cleaning service to help with the house, or ask her what would be useful for her?
Hope it goes well for her!

You’ve offered, she’s politely declined. Stuff like this seems daunting, but I promise she’ll find her way.
My exH is military, and deployed to Iraq for 6 months when DC1 was 17 months old and DC2 was 16 days old. I was utterly terrified, having no family close by either. But we muddled through. It was hard, I was exhausted, but once we found our own little routine we were ok.
You're only at the end of the phone. Talking to my friends and family daily on the phone or FaceTime really helped keep my head in the game and not feel so lonely.

You could offer to fund assistance like

A weeks COOK freezer meals or similar
Two or three service washes where someone picks up and delivers the laundry
Nanny or babysitter (with SEN experience) for the two year old

She may feel you being there is more work

@marvik on a different note to help with transitions for your grand daughter I would suggest a transitional activity eg bubbles to get from the slide to the car/buggy and before that showing her a photo of the fun next activity. Eg painting at home etc or whatever she likes.

now / next boards can be helpful too

best tip I have to aid communication is to narrate what she is doing and talk in statements rather than asking questions eg “you’re on the swing, higher higher” or “you’re building a tower, red block on the blue block etc”.

I realised how many questions people ask little kids! Just not helpful - especially if they just can’t answer!

I’m very much the same - prefer my own company and hate having my mum to stay (she can be hard work, unlike you OP - you sound delightful). However, after I had DD2 I actively enjoyed having her around for a week to keep DD1 in a routine and give me time with the baby.

She may well change her mind, so I’d book leave anyway and make it clear you’re free with no expectations.

You seem Like such a lovely mother/ grandmother, I wish I had that kind of support. I’m due a baby in October, would you like to come and help me? 😬