How to help DS be more resilient?

[chubbachub]

Ds is trying to learn a new skill this summer (Scotland so we are half way through summer.) He can be quite the perfectionist and expects things to come quickly to him but this isn't. He can be quite negative and blame everything else, the equipment etc, he can even become emotional with frustration but he will go back and keep trying. He is easily frustrated when he cant do something in general, and quite sensitive. I've said to him a few times that this is something he has chosen to learn, hes not being forced and he can stop if he wants but he does keep going back so I know he wants to do it. Is the frustration just part of the learning process sometimes? He literally cried with frustration today.

Any tips on raising resilient kids? What is the most helpful thing to do or say to help build him up again? I just want him to not get so down on himself so quickly and keep trying. I am always positive with him and remind him that practice makes progress etc and he has to keep trying if he wants to learn. He's 9 soon if that is relevant.

To build resilience you need to let children take risks safely and allow them to fail without stepping in and telling them what to do. You can try the skill next to him and model it if it is something you can do Or get him to teach you the bits that he can do to build confidence.

When I talk to my DD about her day I ask her questions, what did you find fun? What made you cross? What did you fail at today? I want her to know failure is a normal part of life. Often she doesn't have a thing she failed at but when she does I'll ask her what she will do to improve that next time, thinking through the steps etc. So if it's learning a new skill like your son it might be next time to try it ten times then take a break - so she doesn't get frustrated, or video record herself and review it so she can see where she's going wrong.

@Singleandproud

Actually the idea of him teaching me is an excellent idea and will appeal to my sons personality brilliantly.

The thing is when he gets in the stubborn zone there is just no telling him.
For example, if is told, lift your head up. Or bend your knees. He will just not listen and so he doesnt improve and keeps getting frustrated and then its a cycle.
Taking a break after a few tries sounds good.

Thank you

{mention:chubbachub}my@chubbachubmy daughter is very similar as are most children that's why it's hard to teach your own child anything.

If it's a skill you can vide, like a gymnastic move etc then do that and see if he can analyse his performance and find three things he is doing well and three things he needs to focus on to improve, then that might help, that way the growth comes from him but he also recognized what he is doing correctly.

I mean the fact that he keeps going back is resilience in itself I think it's quite normal to get frustrated that you seem so unskilled at the beginning even though you know that you're learning

I think it's really important to normalise that it's difficult to learn new things. When he's frustrated say things like "ah yes it's difficult learning new things isn't it. I can see you are working really hard."

Thanks for the advice so far.

Hes learning from an instructor so it's not me teaching him. I'm just watching from the side while also keeping the other two little ones entertained so it's not like it's all eyes on him. Sometimes there are other kids learning from the same instructor too. He's getting frustrated even with the instructor as well which is quite annoying to watch. Like hes looking for someone/something to blame that he can't do it perfectly. I cant seem to get across that it's no one or nothing's fault, it's just hard to learn something new.

I tried to explain for example with his swimming lessons. He's on level 3 now, but he wouldn't be able to do the things he can do in level 3 swimming if he didn't master floating/treading water in level 1. Trying to tell him that everything he is learning is a stepping stone to the bigger, "cooler" stuff, and that he needs to master it if he wants to do the next level stuff.

I would like to do the video idea but also as I'm not the one teaching him I would need to ask and dont want to overstep the mark with the instructor. But at the same time, its me that ds complains and moans to and seems so negative about it to so I want to try and help him be more positive generally.

Kids are hard.

You haven't said anything about what he IS achieving which I find a bit odd. If my dc are trying to learn something new, we will celebrate achievements as they happen. "Wow, ds your shooting is getting much better - I was really impressed with how much better your lay ups are" etc. They do get frustrated if they can't do it all at once but showing them that each step achieved is progress and bigging that up is important.

I wojkd also say his persistence even when its hard is worth celebrating.

Let him be frustrated! If he's still going with it, then maybe you're struggling with it more than he is? Sounds like he's showing pretty good resilience in the face of adversity to me 🤷‍♀️

You can't stop him feeling frustrated or angry. You could possibly get him to stop expressing those emotions, but that's not necessarily helpful. Try to step back a little bit, and above all else, keep it breezy!!

(I've just read that back, and it sounds really sanctimonious! It wasn't meant to. My own middle boy is very similar, and I've had to learn to let him sound off about stuff, and stomp off to his room etc. and basically just leave the door open for him to quietly come back again without losing face)

@namechange7654
I appreciate that advice.

I guess I just posted the bits I wanted advice on but of course we praise everything he has achieved and talk about how proud I am of him, he says he is proud of himself, what hes done so far and how amazing it is that he keeps getting up and trying again, that hes brave to do so as its a physical activity where he falls alot on the learning process. We also have discussions (that he usually instigates) around what he thinks he did well and what he wants to work on tomorrow, what advice he found helpful from the instructor etc. It is all "easy breezy" as another poster put it, from me to him anyway. I only talk about it when he wants to, which is alot of the time as he is very keen.

He is getting in his own head and I just wanted advice on (if its even possible) how to turn around the negative "I cant do it, it's impossible, im not good enough" attitude to a more positive outlook.

From everyones posts it sounds like its just part of the learning process. He's like this with everything, so I just wondered if there was something I, as the parent, could do to help him turn that negative thought process around.

Hi Op, I think your son is resilient because he keeps trying. If he wasn't, he would have given up doing things a long time ago.

Your parenting is great, I think your son is a perfectionist and he lacks some patience. Just keep telling him that things don't come quick in our lives and we need to work a bit longer to get there where we want to be.

You both are doing great X

My 9YO is like this, self critical about everything. He is also autistic so I think that's part of it. I just give him lots of reassurance about things. He is so confident in some areas and totally lacks confidence in others, there's no reason to it. Getting him to ride his bike was hard graft, but he got there in the end.

It sounds like your DC is fishing for reassurance so make sure you offer it before he asks for it. Keep telling him he's doing a great job with everything, not just his new lessons.

Does he have someone he admires who does the hobby? Or is there a celebrity who does it? I'm sure you'd be able to find something on you tube about them talking about how hard it was when they started out.