Really struggling to cope with my bratty kids

[CoffeeGirl]

I have a 4 year old, 2 year old and a newborn.
My 4yo and 2yo have absolutely no respect for anything I say, neither will ever do what they're told, they just say no and refuse to do it even if it's something they wanted in the first place.
They won't go to bed at night, they just get up constantly so I'm having to put them back in their beds over 10 times in an hour. They get up at 5am and go to bed at 6pm, sometimes they won't even nap. They won't go to bed earlier and if they go to bed later they still wake up at 5am and get up constantly.

They do nothing but fight all day every day, I can't even sit and play with them because they can't even get along for long enough to do that. I'm starting to hate being around them, all day every day is just them fighting and any attempt to separate them doesn't work because they refuse to stay apart from each other. They don't care what I say and any consequences to their actions they don't care about either, if I put them on time out they don't see that as a good enough reason not to do the exact same thing again immediately.

Other people have such nice well behaved kids that actually listen to what they're told.
Why do I have bratty kids? I do the things that others suggest and it literally does nothing.

I'm so fed up, it's making me regret ever becoming a parent. I wish I could just have 24 hours without them screaming and where they do at least one thing I say for once.

Your superciliousness falls a bit flat when you can't manage to read the OP properly . You haven't even managed to get the OP's children's ages right.

Why people like you post at all, I can't imagine. Does it make you happy, sticking the boot into someone who's asking for help? What little lives you must have.

6 pm bed, I missed that. You really can’t be sending a 4 year old to bed at 6. Or a two year old really. No wonder they won’t sleep and wake up so early. As a practical step, nothing to do with managing behaviour, I would definitely move bed time to an hour later at least. 4 year old can go to bed a little later, I think that’s fair. Make him feel like the older one, which he is, and that may also work as encouragement to act more appropriately. You treat him like a toddler, he acts like a toddler.

The comment about your husband jumps out at me. He would have left you if you'd aborted the last pregnancy? Does this indicate that maybe you considered this?

How helpful is he? How hands on? Is your relationship good in general or is he leaving you to all of this?

Op I'm currently trying to clean, tidy and park for our holiday and have already screeched like a fishwife at my two "darling" children (aged 4 and 6).

Individually they are absolutely delightful however together they are just dreadful! The constant fighting, winding each other up, screaming is completely draining!! I swear they actively hate each other!

Sending solidarity and hugs!!

On the plus side I can take mine out without them fighting so normally I tend to get out at least for a few hours!

Also.., let the 4 year old have screen time so you can play with the 2 year old... sometimes you just have to do what you can to survive these never ending days!

Hugs to you!

4 year olds don’t generally nap and 6pm is too early. I’d try and put them on different bed times as they aren’t at the same stages of life and need different sleep. 5am wake up is inevitable with a 6pm bed time.

Id do plenty of positive praise even for little things, anything you can find, and negatives short and to the point ‘no we don’t argue like that, let’s do xyz instead’, you don’t have bratty kids, you have kids showing bad behaviour, and hopefully some good behaviour will filter in too. I feel for you, those are hard ages and your partner sounds useless. But I’d try and focus on their individual needs. It will get easier as they get older, especially as one will start school soon.

Op you say you have boundaries but even you're exhausted, depressed and run down, it's easy to let them slide just to get through the day.

Does DH spend any time alone with the older two? What hours for he work?

If start by leaving the kids with dad, take the easier newborn and have some space from all three. Baby in pram and get a meal, coffee, whatever. Take three hours and come home.

If he moans, tell him this is your point and you need to tackle ot TOGETHER or you might as well be single and he can they on his own EOW

I think we can guess how much parenting and grunt work he does......

Okay so the four year old needs to go to bed at 7:30 and two year old at 7. Do your firm bedtime rountine bath, story and bed.
if they get in the evening then switch the lights off, sit them on the sofa. No entertainment whatsoever, ignore them but after an hour ask them whether they’re now ready to go to bed and Mummy will give them a big cuddle and kiss if they do.
How much exercise are they getting? Balance bike and swimming lessons for the four year old and regular trips to the park for the two year old.
Try banana before bed and full fat milk.

Look for and praise good behaviour.

But I do agree re 5 to shouldn't need a nap, and 6 pm is very early for bed. I get same bedtimes if they share a room but I think you need to try and push it to say 7 and keep it there and you should eventually see a shift in wake up

I feel you op! I have a 4 year old,a 2 year old and a 6 month old. All boisterous boys and so far the holidays have been tough!
I think a lot of it is just their ages so there's only so much we can do.
I just enlist as much help as possible and try and get them out every day. I've found some free groups on over the holidays and take them to a few a week or just the park or even just the garden.
It's really tough having them all so young but I just try to remember that this won't be forever and in a few years the school holidays will probably consist of them playing out with their friends or playing computer games and they won't want to know me 😂

You have a newborn so you will be exhausted even if you just had the one child.
My advice would be, get the kids dressed and take them to the park to run off energy.

When baby is napping, train your other two to have quiet time with hugs and storybooks, cookies and milk. They need a routine so this will help start one. As tired as you are, consistency will bring results.
Time out doesn't work for toddlers because they don't understand what they have done wrong. Try positive praise and gush when they do what you want them to do.
Reward charts and stickers are good as well, I had a lucky dip box and use marbles in a jar to regulate behaviour ( start with 10 marbles, lose a marbles if they don't behave after 1 warning, must have marble left in jar to get treat from box)
I drew up a list of free things to do qnd we chose one each day. Picnics, parks, baking etc. Lower your expectations, easy meals, PJ days and kids TV on repeat an help on the bad days.
See your GP or health visitor about your sleep and make sure you do not have PND as this can affect your mood and parenting and the stress can cause this.
This is a tough time for you all, your partner is not helping so you need to find a routine that works for you.

Would the 4 year old stay in bed if you put an audio book on? In lots of areas you can get a free account from the library. Then as long as they stay put, it doesn't matter if it takes them an hour to actually go to sleep, as bad time is pretty early anyway.

2 year old is trickier, could you get baby to sleep first (or hand to partner), then stay in the room to make sure they stay lying down in bed until their actually asleep. I know it's a faff, but once they get the hang of that you could then try gradual retreat until you get back to just leaving them.

Does the oldest start school in September? If so you only need to hold out for another month, then things get easier. You will also get funded hours at nursary the term after the 2yo turns 3, which will give you a bit more breathing space aswell.

In the mean time pack a big bag of shelf stable snacks and spare cloths and leave it in the car, then go out as much as possible. It only has to be for an hour or two in the park to break up the day, and if you can store the basics in the car, it removes the stress of having to pack bags and get everyone organised.

They're not bratty, you're exhausted and overwhelmed (with good reason). They're probably unsettled with the new baby, a tired mother and having to share your attention even more. You're in the trenches and it will never be as hard as it is now. If you accept that it is an achievement right now just to keep everyone safe and fed, regardless of behaviour, you might feel a bit better.

It also sounds like you are in an unsupportive and potentially toxic relationship, although you haven't provided many details of this.

You need to be realistic about what you can achieve and get what help you can from others. If they wake at 5am, TV on until 7am. What help does your husband give you? If he can't/won't help, what help can you get from family or can you afford to buy in? If not at nursery, can the 4yo go to a few holiday camps to give you time with the others?

they Aren’t brats. I know you’re frustrated OP but I could never imagine labelling a child in that way

time out etc is quite outdated now. Punishment doesn’t solve anything. Taking away belongings doesn’t solve anything.

ehile 2 years isn’t a massive difference, they are their own people with own needs etc and so I don’t think it’s fair to expect them both to have the same routine.

whetes dad? Do you/him spend one on one time with them? That’s probably what they’re craving. I know it’s hard but they’re still so young and with a new baby, all they’ll want is you and your attention.

givr them boundaries and routine, it doesn’t have to involve punishment and shouting at them etc - think about it, would you cooperate with your partner if he shouted at you and plonked you on the stairs when you did something ‘bad’ or was ‘rude’? You can’t teach kids respect while disrespecting them.

I'm sorry, it sounds really tough. Here are a few practical steps which I think might help:

• Talk to your husband and ask him to step up (if he's starting from a low base, give him a specific list of tasks you want him to do. This doesn't help with the mental load, but it's a start
• Bedtime an hour later

-Agree with PP that separating the 4 year old in terms of grouping with the other two will help - if you make her feel like the elder stateswoman, she might set a good example to the 2 year old

• the 2yo isn't showing disrespect, they're not capable of that at that age. Firming up your boundaries might help with her