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Parenting

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Original poster

Unsure about partners parenting....abusive?

25 replies

GMB2000 · 26/07/2022 23:31

Hey everyone. Helping other parents out there can help me. I'm questioning my partners parenting and whether or not it is classed as being emotionally abusive. I'll start off by saying I have spoken to him about this but he thinks it's normal. I have a DS5 and DD10 months. Since my DD has been born my DS seems to be really struggling. Now I know this is normal but I don't think his struggles are because of my DD, I think it's because he's spending more time with my partner.

Examples of the behaviours are..... my son doesn't like to tell his dad things, for fear of being told off. So today I took him to a gymnastics taster session. He isn't very good in new situations and after 30 mins of trying I couldn't pry him off me (also a new thing). When we got home my DS asked me if I was going to tell his dad what happened. This has happened a few times. My partner has a very short fuse, he regularly shouts at him usually for no reason really other than his own frustration. I feel like my DS is walking around on egg shells around him and I'm starting to get worried it is having long lasting effects. He is also hyper critical of him and always points out if DS has done something wrong, so much so that if DS goes over lines in a coluring he will rip it up and throw it out screaming that he's done it wrong. Is any of this normal or do I have reasons to be concerned? DS has always been a very emotional little boy but lately he never seems to want to let go of me, never wants to be with his dad and gets very very upset if I leave him with family.

I will point out that me and partner separated a few years ago for 6 months due to his controlling behaviour of me. We talked it through and he's better now with me but I'm wondering if it's moved on to our son now. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:

Namechangeno25788 · 26/07/2022 23:36

None of that is normal. You need to leave for the sake of your son.

Whydothat · 26/07/2022 23:38

Your poor son.

Tee20x · 26/07/2022 23:43

This is emotional abuse, yes it will have lasting impacts & you need to leave for the sake of your son as well as yourself.

JustHarriet · 26/07/2022 23:44

Your son is scared of his dad and DS behaviour, like ripping up his drawing, shows he is internalizing his father's criticism. That will have a life long impact if it continues.

Discovereads · 26/07/2022 23:46

He is also hyper critical of him and always points out if DS has done something wrong, so much so that if DS goes over lines in a coluring he will rip it up and throw it out screaming that he's done it wrong. Is any of this normal

No! None of it is normal. It’s terrifying. It’s abusive and not just emotional abuse but verbal abuse with a dose of physical intimidation/threat. Your DS isn’t a “very emotional” boy, he’s a child being subjected to psychological torture. Your DH needs to leave now.

iknowthismuchis · 26/07/2022 23:46

Yes it's abusive. Can you leave?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/07/2022 23:47

What the fuck. Your “partner” is a fucking monster. Your child is being horrendously damaged every day this continue. You are allowing this to continue and you’re wondering if it’s okay.

I hope your son tells someone at school what’s going on at home and he gets the help he deserves.

You broke up with him for treating you badly, got back together with him and decided to inflict him on another child, and now they’re both suffering.

AluckyEllie · 26/07/2022 23:48

Jesus realise what you are saying. He screamed in the face of a 5 year old for colouring over the edges? That’s appalling and pathetic. What kind of knob does that? He probably gets off on the thrill of being in power, of being the ‘big man.’ What an absolute twat.

Stand up for your kids and get them out. And realise what is normal behaviour in a relationship before exposing your kids to more losers like him.

AluckyEllie · 26/07/2022 23:49

Okay sorry I read that wrong and your partner didn’t scream in his face. He’s still a knob.

BritInAus · 26/07/2022 23:49

No, this is not at all normal, and it's so sad that he's created a situation where you can't see this. Please don't subject your children to this man.

Biscuitandacuppa · 26/07/2022 23:50

It’s abusive behaviour

Thinkingblonde · 26/07/2022 23:54

No, it’s not normal, your partner has switched his controlling and abusive ways from you to your son. Your son couldn’t make it any clearer, he is telling you in his five year old way that he’s afraid of his dad.
Screaming at him for going over the lines in colouring, ripping his work up. WTF!

There used to be an ad on TV for signs to watch out for in an abused child…showing this very same scenario, a child sat at a table doing his homework, a male figure towering over him, the boy is obviously wary, he looks afraid as the male looks at the work, the male then swipes the pen off the table, grabs the paper and rips it up. The next scene is the man’s raised fist and the boy cowering as the ad ends.
You left him once because of his abuse, protect your son and get you and your children away from him. He hasn’t changed, he’s just changed his victim.

Livinginanotherworld · 26/07/2022 23:55

Your poor boy, this is horrifying. You must do something urgently.

MissMaple82 · 26/07/2022 23:55

Blimey, I dint thibk you realise how bad this is! You need to leave, and honestly I wouldn't be allowing contact. Let the courts sort it out

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes · 26/07/2022 23:55

Agree with others, your poor son. Your partner sounds awful. Maybe you shouldn't have went back with him. Don't let him treat your son/ children like this.

PerseverancePays · 27/07/2022 00:06

No, it’s not normal, it’s very, very far from normal. Your partner has no idea how to be a good parent and I unlikely to ever have those skills. He also does not love your little boy and may well escalate to physical violence. Your little boy is very frightened all the time, that is why he is clingy, he’s hanging on to you for dear life.
Don’t tell your partner that he is not a keeper. Make your plans quietly and then depart when he is not in the house..

ladydimitrescu · 27/07/2022 00:16

This must be some sort of wind up? I pray to god it is - ripping up a drawing and shouting if a tiny child goes over the lines? Did you honestly think that was normal?? Your son is being bullied, abused, and is terrified in his own home.
Get him away from that vile piece of shit, and do it now.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2022 00:20

Honestly op the only thing worse than his behaviour is that you're so ground down, or your own childhood was awful, that you can't see that he's a TERRIBLE father who's damaging your son.

You did it before, you can do it again. You need to leave him.

Deidretheelf · 27/07/2022 00:20

I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and it damaged me. Your partner sounds a lot worse than my Mum. For both your sakes, get out now.

Original poster

GMB2000 · 27/07/2022 00:28

Sorry my terrible typing. My son ripped up the colouring not my part er. Inyk a small difference but if I saw that happen then yes we'd be gone. It's never as clear as that though. But clearly those of you who have commented don't think any of the other things are normal behaviour either

OP posts:

leli · 27/07/2022 00:51

Hi, I read your post OP and I do see that what you say is correct, you were referring to your son ripping up his own drawing. But tragically that is probably because he has internalised his father's criticism and abuse. Yes, it is abuse. Do you have support anywhere? Friends? Family? I beg you to ask them for help. You have a baby and a young child and I expect you are frightened of your partner. You have asked us for help - but what can strangers on a board do? All we can do is try to give you our honest impressions. Mine chimes with the others, and with yours, that's why you're asking for help. Your partner is not being a parent he is being abusive.

I am very sorry but I think you have to leave.

Original poster

GMB2000 · 27/07/2022 00:58

I guess I was just looking for reassurance that what I'm seeing is wrong. I've no one else with children to ask. But it's been made clear that my gut was eight and I will be leaving. My poor DS has been subjected to it long enough. I just hope I can repair the damage its caused. Thank you everyone. I have no family around but I'm strong, I can cope on my own.

OP posts:

ImJustACuriousBird · 27/07/2022 01:00

Please seek help. If you don't you are damaging DS and then later your second child.

It will not get better, it will get worse and it is troubling you needed to ask. It shows how you've been conditioned to thinking this is normal. It's not. And it's not okay.

Please ask the NCDV if in doubt. Don't suffer alone. I know he's not all bad or you wouldn't stay, but this is abusive and to stay is to neglect the emotional safety of your children. Already your DS shows he is traumatised by his clingy behaviour. You can stop this but you can stop your partner; he can't be reasoned with. He thinks he has a right to treat you both this way and I bet he wouldn't do this to his work colleagues? It's a choice. He thinks it's acceptable and it's his right and nothing you or I can say will change his mind.

I'm sorry you are faced with this but it won't go away by itself.

ImJustACuriousBird · 27/07/2022 01:03

GMB2000 · 27/07/2022 00:58

Cross posted with you OP.

You will help your little boy to heal by removing him from danger. You will need to heal too. Seriously, don't be ashamed to reach out to organisations for their support so you don't handle this alone. You are a good Mum who is about to protect her babies and they are lucky to have you. As long as you make these choices for them they will be fine

Positivevibes2022 · 27/07/2022 01:04

You need to remove yourself and your children away from your partner. Your poor son 💔 I can’t even imagine what goes on when you aren’t around.

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