Is it selfish not to want another baby?

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New daddy to a beautiful 10 month old baby girl here. She's so cute and adorable and I absolutely love her to pieces!

But when my wife is hinting that we should think about having more kids soon, I can't help but feel nothing but dread at the thought of it.

This baby, whilst a total blessing, was unplanned and really did turn our lives upside down. We used to have the freedom and independence to do whatever we liked and with that we enjoyed a rich relationship full of fun and spontaneity.

Now things are obviously quite different. But it also seems our relationship has changed too. Maybe this is partly because our baby might be a bit full-on sometimes. She screams and cries lots and seems to have regular baby-tantrums triggered by things like not wanting her nappy changed or not wanting to be in the car seat or wanting to be held etc. We are breastfeeding and baby still seems to wake up multiple times throughout the night wanting a feed or only going back to sleep after a feed. Most recently she enjoys trying to kick daddy in the face whilst on the boob! She has dropped to 1-2 naps per day now and can only sleep when mummy puts her to sleep on the breast and daddy cannot be present because he's a distraction (she seems obsessed with me). Even so her naps are never usually very long and sometimes she'll only sleep in mummy's arms! Maybe this is all just normal but it's taken a toll on our relationship.

My wife now regularly snaps or has angry outbursts which she never used to do before and I'm probably the same. I'm sure it's due to lack of good sleep. She seems to have developed heightened anxiety about everything concerning the baby and this translates to regular arguments or disagreements. And I get vexed by certain things too - like when baby is being taken out of the car seat because she's crying too much so my wife takes her on her lap in the back whilst I'm driving.

Now we're thinking about nursery and schooling and my wife seems adamant we should go private. But I disagree because it's a huge financial cost that I don't see us being able to maintain in the long-run, especially if you add more kids to the picture.

My wife and I are both working professionals and I've effectively taken a 1 year sabbatical from work meaning I've been present at home way more than I would have been if I just had the 2 weeks paternity leave. I'll be returning to full-time work soon and my wife can't even think about going back to work at all which again is causing some tension because we were hoping to use both of our incomes for a mortgage (currently living with parents).

So basically since the baby arrived my wife and I seem to disgaree and argue more and much of the spark we used to have in our relationship has diminished. We're both tired (especially her) and lack energy. We spend most of the day trying to keep our little one occupied, entertained and happy and it's not easy!

It seems we've had to sacrifice a lot for this baby and I just absolutely dread the idea of another one! What if the next one is the same or even more demanding? What if another baby in the picture just drives me and my wife even more further apart with more disagreements and angry outbursts? More lack of sleep and energy? Even less time to ourselves and for each other? The prospect of, in my mind, unjustifiable private school fees for multiple children which maybe I'll have to foot alone now seeing as I'll be the only one earning! Just all of the above makes me not want to have any more children at all! But my wife really wants more. She argues that our baby should have siblings to play and grow up with and that our grandchildren should have cousins. And I get all that but I cannot help thinking in a selfish way - what about what I want? Which is some peace and quiet, more time to myself and trying to get some things back to the way they used to be with my wife. Am I being selfish? Am I overthinking things? Would a second baby actually make things easier because eventually they can play with and occupy each other?
What are the pros and cons of being an only child vs having siblings - from both baby and parent perspectives? Any thoughts or advice from fellow mummies and daddies would be much appreciated:)

You both need a huge reality check. You’re discussing private school yet live with parents. This is ridiculous.

Once you have a home, you can both sensibly discuss whether you want more children. In the meantime, you need to have a proper chat about finances, housing, your wife returning to work etc
You write very childishly and you need to grow up and sort this situation out.

Your wife is breastfeeding, not you.

You shouldn't be adding another baby to your lives any time soon, though. That I can agree on.

Ok,so. You need to adapt to and manage the transition into parenthood. Yes your relationship is changed and will remain changed. You two are now you three, it’s not going to be the same.ever. You’ve introduced a new dependent human who needs you both. Baby won’t adapt to your routines, you adapt to their routine. And yes that means falling asleep in mums arms and you seeing that as a secure bonding activity as opposed to an exclusionary act. You can take baby too, give your partner a break. Regard private school, well you’re a long way off from that so no point planning. Seeing you live with parents presumably you want to move out

The thing is, you're still very much in the baby stage. It won't be like this forever. It goes so fast and before you know it, your little one will be sleeping all night with regular bedtimes and will be relying on you less. So I don't think you should base your decision to expand your family on the baby stage.

I have one brother and we were so close growing up. It was a blast. His friends became my friends and vice versa. I have three children and I love seeing them interact and be with each other. When I'm gone some day, I know they'll always have each other too.

I think before you even discuss children properly you need to speak about working and sorting out your mortgage, like you said. You can't plan another whilst living with parents.

So you can't afford your own place but you took a year off work, she won't return to work and she wants the child to go private.

Def no to note kids whilst living with the parents. I assume they have several bedrooms spare if she's contemplating expanding the brood but it isn't very fair on them.

"We" are not breastfeeding unless "we" are both lactating.

Sounds like you need to even something out so she gets more sleeo

Three things:

1. We aren't breastfeeding and saying that makes you sound like a tool.
2. Relationships change when you have a baby and you either roll with it or you don't.
3. No one has to have a child if they don't want one. And children don't need siblings. Get the snip because it's not your partner's responsibility.

Why did you take a year off?

Your wife is getting things all out of order.

She's just had a baby so her hormones will be fluctuating a bit. You are still in the baby stage. Tiredness and hormones can lead to snapping at each other so I think you need some calm clear priorities.

• Go back to work, which will take away the immediate financial pressure you are feeling, and also give you some non-baby time.


• Sort out a mortgage or a rental. Trying to adjust to your new family life must be horrendous while not living in your own home.


• Once you are living with a mortgage, back at work in your old routine and the baby is a little older, you will have a clearer idea of your finances and how you are both coping with your new lifestyle.


• There are plenty of babies around. You do not need to produce another one for your child to play with. Leave it at least a couple of years and then make a joint decision on what to do. Take responsibility for contraception until then.


• You don't even have your own home yet. No need to consider schooling for at least another 3 years. In 9 months time, you might think about child care options so your wife can return to work if she wants to.

Staying with parents whilst you save and possibly depending on what your (or her parents) want to do, living with them can save a lot of money childcare wise.

High maintenance babies do take a lot from the parents. Hopefully, with time they will change for the better. Get better sleep, interact with you and go to nursery/ school.

Last but not least, are there any good private school near you? Because there are bad private schools. There are also great state schools, are any of these nearby your parents house? Or where you want to buy a house?

Agree is pp, sort out your living situation and employment status before adding more kids. Things will improve when yous have your own space as I’m sure living with parents adds stress.

also I know it’s not the point of the post but did I just read that your wife takes the baby out of the car seat while your driving because she’s crying??? Increasingly unsafe!!

You definitely shouldn't be pressured into having another baby. Lots of very happy only children out there!

However it will be hard for your wife to accept that if she's yearning for another one. It may be a really strong, deep instinctive feeling where it's hard for her to talk it through rationally.

One important thing is to choose your moments to discuss these big issues. Never try to discuss them in the middle of a stressful situation like if someone's tired or angry or baby is upset. Suggest some time when you're both feeling okay (eg morning with a cup of tea while baby is asleep) and show that you care and hear her feelings but that yours are important too.

Subjectively speaking, it really doesn't sound like the best time to be trying for a new baby so you have a point there.

*objectively speaking!

Sorry you lost me at “we are breastfeeding”

The last time I checked men don’t lactate

You sound really weird to be frank. 'On the boob'?! How old are you?

Your 10month baby is 'obsessed' with you? So odd.

'We are breastfeeding' 😂

How old are you both?
Sabbatical, seriously?
Living with parents, seriously?
Private schools, seriously?
Another kid, seriously?
Taking baby out of the car seat while driving, seriously?
'We are breastfeeding', seriously?

Back to your question, no it's not selfish not wanting another child.

"We are breastfeeding"
"On the boob"

So unbelievably cringeworthy 😣

Please tell me you're pulling over and parking the car when the baby is taken out of their seat?

Lack of sleep is awful!!

id say not to even think about another one right now, you guys need your own family place first. Same for schools.

your baby sleep has developed sleep associations I’d say it’s time to work on that.

you aren’t selfish for wanting no more though, our 8 month old is fab, not hard work but we won’t be having another due to age and most importantly the cost of living these days!

like when baby is being taken out of the car seat because she's crying too much so my wife takes her on her lap in the back whilst I'm driving.

What? While the car is moving..??

I think everything you've written about how life and relationships change after having a baby is completely normal. Our experience on having a second (20 month age gap) was that for the first 6 months it made everything a lot more difficult. We almost had to do split parenting where, because of breast feeding, I did all of the late nights and night feeds with my youngest and my partner did all of the early mornings with my eldest. Parenting two alone is also a lot more difficult than parenting one and it can feel like a whole day of fighting fires! (Depends how often you'll be alone with both kids though - we do shifts so its a lot for us but some of my friends have gotten to a year without having to care for both of their kids together alone). Anyway... all of this aside, it's been completely worth it and now that my youngest is a bit more substantial I can start to see how they'll play together in a year or so. I loved having another baby and it's lovely seeing their relationship grow.

This.

This is bizarre.

You've both taken a year off and you're struggling to entertain one baby between two of you?

You've taken a year off, live with parents, are professionals but you don't have your own house or flat and are thinking about private school? Where do think money comes from?

And yes having another child will cause more stress, less sleep and cost more money and it's fine to want one, not want one, want to wait.