If you didn't bond with your baby...

[homarr]

Do you think that this has affected them as they are growing up?

Horrified to admit this but I know that I didn't bond with my first Daughter when she was a baby. She is 5 now and while I absolutely love her and have definitely bonded with her, I find some things still don't come naturally to me.

I had such a massive bond with my 2nd Daughter. I couldn't believe the way I felt when she was born. She felt like mine immediately and I was obsessed with her from the minute I met her.

I can see some differences in their personalities and I am so worried that some of the behaviours in my 5 year old have stemmed from my lack of bond with her. She isn't very affectionate. She is a bit like a cat (is how my partner describes her). She will come for a hug and a kiss but it is very much on her terms. She doesn't say "I love you too" very often and never says it first. She is quite attention seeking and if I play something with her then she wants me to play the entire day, following me around etc until I play. I wonder if this is because she is desperately trying to find that bond with me. Sometimes she just has this sad look on her face and I don't think she is 100% happy.

I am looking for others who have experienced a similar situation and if they feel that this has affected their child as they have got older?

I struggled to bond with mine when she was a baby but I don't think it's affected her - she's very affectionate and seems happy in herself. If you're feeling guilty about your first (which you shouldn't - having a baby is so overwhelming and you can't help how you felt at the time), it may be making you 'see' things more than they really are?

Feel for you OP. My 1st child the bond was there straight away - fell head over heels in love instantly.

My 2nd child - difficult pregnancy, traumatic birth and she was rushed off to NICU. I had PND (and probably PTSD). It took a while but she's now 4 and we have a fantastic bond but I still feel guilt. She is very cling and we still co-sleep. I do wonder if that's a side effect.

However it may just be your daughter's personality and she sounds like she know how to ask for affection when she needs it which is good.

I bonded with my first quicker than my second but she definitely has a cat personality whereas my second is a puppy. I think it’s their inherent character not something you’ve done.

It’s so hard. I didn’t bond with my first, and I still don’t feel particularly bonded to her and I know it’s effected her emotionally, even more so when I had my second and had the most incredible bond with him straight away.

shes 8 now and I’ve had a lot of counselling about it (I was in a violent relationship when she was born which seems to be the cause of it) and I try my best with her but I feel like this is as good as it’s going to get. I love her fiercely, but the bond just isn’t there. Breaks my heart every single day.

If your dd hurts herself does she come and tell you or does she even cry? Dc at that age that aren't attached well cry silent tears and don't go to their parents for comfort or cry and allow themselves to be comforted. They completely self soothe, and whilst self soothing is good and we want out dcs to be able to self soothe, always self soothing isn't good.

@sarahb083 Perhaps you are right in that I actively look for signs that deep down she knows we haven't bonded.

I hope it is something that is just inherent. Looking back, she didn't seem to "need" me in the same way that my youngest. She was happy sleeping in the Moses basket next to me rather than having to be stuck on me like my youngest. When she started crawling, she just wasn't bothered by me at all any more.

@Maximoose
I feel very similarly to you. I hate admitting it and I try not to but while I have bonded and I love her, she just doesn't feel like "mine". I often feel as though I'm looking after someone else's child. I hope that this will change one day but I don't think it will. I try so hard to treat the girls equally but I think sometimes it is obvious that I have more of a bond with my youngest.

@MaxOverTheMoon She will normally run over to me if she hurts herself and will let me cuddle her and make her feel better. Occasionally she will lash out and ask me to go away when she's hurt herself (but I think it's normally when she's fallen over in front of a lot of people and feels embarrassed).

She's attached to you then OP. Don't stress as nothing you have felt or not felt towards her has hurt her. Dc that don't feel nurtured and loved by their parents don't go to their parents if they hurt themselves.

I didn't bond properly with my dd until I did loads of counselling and inner child work. She isn't damaged by it and is now 16 and doing amazingly well.

I struggled to bond with my DD and only felt a real maternal love for her when she was about 2. She's 18 next week and we are very close now, but I still feel the guilt of not having the rush of love from day one for her, especially as I felt it immediately with DS.

My advice would be to relax and enjoy your child now, don't overthink it.

I didn't realise that I hadn't bonded with DS1 and DS2 was born and I realised how utterly infatuated I was with him. It wasn't too late, I just needed to work on my bond with DS1 who was probably around 4 by then. Now they are 19 and 16 and I'm probably closer to DS1 currently than DS2 who is currently in the middle of horrid teenage hormones. I think you have plenty of time to build your relationship with your child to where you want it to be. Maybe a bit of lovebombing would help kick things off.