Marriage strain -difference in parenting style

[Scamander]

I should preface this with, DH is reasonable for the most part and we get along for the most part on other issues.

However,,,,,,, we just can't seem to find common ground on how to parent. He thinks I'm too lenient and letting the kids off easily. I'm willing to accept this SOMETIMES, but, mostly I try to understand the reasoning behind the behaviour, then correct gently.

I have a problem with his method of delivery and sometimes lack of patience with them. I understand that this is subjective as it's my view on things. When I call out his methods/behaviour, he ends up taking it personally. Accuses me of undermining his authority (over kids) and being disrespectful. He wants to completely wash his hands off correcting them 'as I clearly know what's right'.

I don't want to go into specific details of each scenario.

I suppose what I'm asking is, how others have managed to get past this hurdle? Our kids are 5 and under, so this is fairly novel territory for us.

What method should I employ to correct him? How do we find the ever elusive common ground?

Any advice really would be helpful.

Well if you're not going to go into detail, we've got no way of knowing who's in the right here.

If you can't agree to disagree, or find middle ground, you're basically fucked. This means you have to let go of the idea that there is One True Way to raise children. I know the books you've read and the instamoms you follow tell you that This Way Is The Only Way and if you don't follow it universally your kids will be fundamentally damaged, but it's bullshit. There are a thousand ways to lovingly raise healthy, happy kids, and if you micromanage your husband you're gonna end up without him.

Well unless his parenting is straying into abusive territory then I don't think you should correct him.
You could suggest that you both take a parenting course together and then both agree to be consistent with the methods.

I could’ve written this post…

I’m the gentle parent and OH thinks I’m an absolute doormat. He tells me how soft I am and that I basically let the kids take me for a ride.

I think he’s an absolute hothead who doesn’t have half the patience I have and who thinks his way is the only way and as if no kid was ever parented any other way.

We clash a lot over the kids and our different styles of discipline and parenting.

I think we both need to meet in the middle and both could tweek our methods but he thinks he’s right and he doesn’t need to do anything differently, but I do apparently.

Put it this way - if I’d knows he was going to be like this I wouldn’t have had kids with him but you don’t know someone until you have kids with them in my opinion.

I have no solution, I’m also looking for one.

No advice, but I'm here too. He thinks tantrums are somehow intentional ways to piss us off rather than just them not knowing how to convey their feelings (2 under 3) and he'll ask our daughter "why are you being like this?" when we know exactly why she's being like that, it's because she has the wrong shoes on, or had to turn Duggee off, or her biscuit broke. In her head it's a completely legitimate reason to be upset. I lose my shit too sometimes, but am more likely to try and calm her down/distract her than to shout at her to stop crying. Who ever felt better by being told to calm down eh?

Following in the hope that someone has the answer.

@MolliciousIntent thank you for the reply. Micromanage is definitely a word he's used on me before.🫣I guess you're right in that there is no right way of parenting. It's just somethings are hard to overlook and the mere suggestion of an alternative triggers him.

I understand about examples. Being right or wrong isn't really what I'm after. It's the solutions to differences in parenting.

@3WildOnes obviously abuse is a red line. Its that possibility of intangible trauma our methods may cause that worries me sometimes. He thinks different and deals with it differently. It's hard to ignore and to agree.
Thanks you, had been considering suggesting a parenting course. Hopefully goes well.

@ParentalGuidances it helps to know others are going through it as well. Please make sure they don't meet.🤣
Hopefully we find answers.

@ohyeahiwaittablestoo OMG! The one about tantrums are deliberate and they should know better. 😤 That gets to me. Always end up in tears out frustration.

Why are you assuming your way is right and you need to 'correct him'? That speaks volumes to your differences in parenting.

Me and DH parent very differently, but i don't tell him how to parent or vice versa. He is better at certain aspects than i am, and other way round as well.

Seems like there’s a lot of us in the same boat. I can’t speak for anyone else but I personally wouldn’t have even entertained the thought of having children with someone who was going to be complete opposite of me, it’s a shame it all showed itself too little too late.

@Youcancallmeirrelevant I'm not assuming I'm right. I did say, I realise my view on things is subjective. Honestly I'm just looking for a middle ground.

How do you get to the point you can ignore the differences? Not being rude. What happens when he over reacts or v.v? Do you not hold each other accountable? Sorry if it sounds rude or questioning your method. Not my intention

@Scamander because if he is dealing with a tantrum or whatever its for him to deal with, i don't step in, and vice versa. Why do i need to 'hold him accountable'? We all have different parenting styles, and our DD has a different relationship with me than she does with her dad. I probably have slightly more patience with DD than he does, but then i'll have days where i have less patience and will react quicker if DD is playing up.

He is a little softer and may get her more treats from the shops etc, or let her stay up later, but if he does its him who then has to deal with the consequences of a tired child or sugar filled one 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Youcancallmeirrelevant that's actually really helpful thank you. It's a different perspective.
Tbh I've never thought of each of us having a different relationship with the kids. Have always thought of us as a unit or an appendage of each other and so my fixation on 'how we should do things'.
Thanks!!

I wouldn’t overthink this personally. I think it’s quite normal to have different parenting styles - after all, you were parented by different people yourselves, and your reasons for parenting as you do will differ. I would avoid “correcting” him in front of the kids if you can, and maybe just talk about it privately and find a middle ground. I actually think together you create a balance for your kids. Excluding abuse of course, one way is not necessarily any “better” than the other after all…

Doesn’t having different rules with each parent confuse a child though? If mummy says yes and daddy says no, it sends out mixed signals?

I think you have to be a unit and song from the same hymn sheet, unfortunately my OH has a whole different hymn sheet that I just can’t comprehend. It’s as if he automatically snaps or says no before he’s even registered the situation.

@Scamander i think i take the approach of picking my battles with parenting differences. It has got easier the older DD has got.

I can imagine that as DD gets older, and potential issues or behvaiour gets more serious, then me and DH will need occasions where we need to be one unit/on the same page, but i think largely we have the same important principles, its just smaller everyday stuff we are different on which in the grand scheme of things don't matter.

Sing

It's the jumping on something tiny and going all: no Johnny. I said no. I'm the parent. And just not being very present. So, no allowance for/understanding of the fact they're over tired/bored of being good at aunty Doreen's/whatever.

No, I can see why that seems fun, but actually, it's naughty.

I can tell.my kids off without raising my voice or being abrupt and harsh. DH has had to learn the art of this for sure. How? Because he wanted to. He asked me how to do it.

You need a really good chat about the goals with parenting. My goals were as much harmony as possible, no danger (so if the children are doing something dangerous, that's a big fat no), and yet having boundaries and expectations of the kids that were age appropriate and meant that know how to behave in a variety of situations. Without angriness, aggro or horribleness. We don't always succeed! But they're the goals.