Anxiety and missing old life

[Krimson]

I am a new mum to an 11 week old DS. Apart from reflux and cmpa which has been well dealt with, DS is on the whole a dream baby. Sleeps well (only wakes once or twice) and is happy and content. I had a few miscarriages before him so he is a very much wanted baby.

However I am crippled by anxiety for which I got medication yesterday however after taking one tablet, I felt really sick. I worry about problems that aren't there such as if he cries and I can't console him, if he'll have a restless night and won't sleep, if he's ill, if he'll suddenly become one of those babies that won't be put down and is awake all night etc etc.

I feel completely overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all, that this is my life now and there is no going back. I can't just have a lie in or relax at night thinking something will happen. I feel on edge all the time and miss the freedom and social life of my old night like a physical ache. I'm not sure what I want out of posting this.

I don’t have any advice but I wanted to thank you for posting this because I feel like this too. My baby has reflux and has just gone into a pavlik harness for hip dysplasia at 13 weeks. I know it could be worse, she’s hard but I know babies that were much harder than ours is - but I am constantly on edge. If I do sleep I wake up with jaw pain from grinding my teeth all night. Even if she’s asleep I can’t sleep properly because I’m anxious about if/when she will wake up and cry. When she’s asleep in the day I’m waiting for her to wake up and cry, if she’s happy I’m on edge waiting for her to not be. Nightmare. I am taking Sertraline and it is gradually getting better - no tears now and I’m managing a hell of a lot better - but it’s still there bubbling in the background. My GP, who is lovely, says it will take 6 weeks for the meds to really kick in. Sending lots of love because I know exactly how you’re feeling ❤️

Do you have a DP or DH to support you?

The change in lifestyle from no children to one is huge. I found having a second DC much easier to transition to compared to having my first. I was totally unprepared for the reality of broken sleep, all the guidance (and unsolicited advice) about raising a baby, the vast information about safe sleeping, feeding, car seats, other mum judgements etc. No one can really explain how much your life changes until it's you having the baby so I want to reassure you it's totally normal to think back on life before baby and maybe how easy, carefree or fun it was. Sometimes I envy my child free friends as they can do whatever they want, when they want 😂

In a few months you will look back at this time and you'll be far more relaxed and confident with baby. Consider planning in a baby free day/activity/evening so you don't completely lose yourself and it gives you something to look forward to. Maternity leave can be quite lonely and repetitive which doesn't help when you've previously had a good social life.

It's good you've sought support for your anxiety and do keep in touch with your caregivers like midwife of health visitor as they will have supported women with this hundreds of times before.

I'm the exact same, can't stop worrying about stuff that might never happen.
I also worry that I'm not doing enough with him when he's awake and that he won't develop like he should do. Think it's hard to see any progress they make when you spend all day every day with them.
I just keep reminding myself that he will and is growing and that as long as he's changed, fed and generally content there's no point worrying about what ifs, but it is hard to do that when you've always been a worrier.

I think those of us who have suffered losses place even more pressure on ourselves to enjoy the early baby weeks/months as we tell ourselves in the midst of grief and loss that it's all we've ever wanted. Reality is that newborn weeks are hard - but they do get better OP hang in there.

Thank you all. I sometimes just feel I could cry all the time, surely it should have been better by now. I was totally unprepared for the change in lifestyle as everyone made it look so easy. I do have a supportive DH so I am lucky in that respect. I feel bad for wishing the time away as well and feel like I just cross out the weeks as they go by.

The last few days have been unbearable. Not because of my baby who is content and sleeps like a dream but with how I am feeling. I love my DS but I'd quite happily run away or hand him back so I ca have my old life back. I feel absolutely numb inside and suffocated and trapped like ill never be able to relax or switch off. Even stupid things like never having a lie on or the freedom to do what I want or me and my partner to have evenings out without having to organise a babysitter makes me feel bereft. I feel like I'm stuck in some bad nightmare.

I'm now on setraline, propranolol and having counselling. I honestly can't believe I was obsessed for so long for wanting a baby. I'd give anything for things to go back to how they were and can't see how I'll enjoy this new life.