Appropriate 'consequences' for naughty behaviour- 3 and a half yo

[Thetractorjustmoved]

Struggling with my little boy's behaviour at the mo. Have tended to do the gentle parenting style in the past, which has worked well. But he's very defiant at the moment (eg I'll say 'we don't hit' and move away from him etc and that used to be the end of it). But obvs he's older now (the last time we had this kind of thing he was 2) and I'm struggling to think of appropriate consequences for him being a bugger. I can't think of them in the minute! Im not one for the naughty spot type thing, but finding it hard to think of things that will show him it's not on. Anything I think of is usually like 'no pudding' but by that time the behaviour has usually moved on and he's forgotten.
What can I do in the moment when he's actually still being a dick? Remove a toy? Say no more TV? Ideas please!

Immediate and related.

"No. Mummy doesn't like that, so I'm not going to continue playing this nice game with you"

Here's a link to a website I have found invaluable, some great linked podcasts too

do not use food as a punishment or reward.

Natural consequences.

Hes hitting? Stop interacting and move away.

He’s biting? Ouch that hurt, not a nice way to behave towards your mum (and move away).

He’s throwing his food? Well, that’s gone now, no more until dinnertime.

etc etc

Whatever you do, be consistent. He’s testing boundaries, as all children should do. You need to make him feel secure in what’s okay and what’s not and the key to that is consistency.

Thanks that's really helpful. I think I sometimes struggle in the moment to think of something and resort to say no in a more cross way, and it just doesn't seem to work. Natural consequences are good- so with the example of hitting (which has only just started since telling him I'm pregnant so definitely in response to that) would I just say we don't hit, I'm going to leave you alone and walk out the room? Is that enough?

I'm going through this too with my almost 3.5 year old. Like you I've never really had to deal with difficult behaviour before but I've just been reinforcing why I keep telling him not to kick/push/bite rather than "punishing" him for it. So for example if he kicks me then I'll just disengage and say that I'm not playing now because he hurt me and that makes me feel sad etc. I can't say it's exactly working because he's still doing it but he does now say to me that "I hurt him and that isn't very nice as he feels sad" or similar so hopefully he's getting the message.

I don't feel they're old enough to understand consequences yet and I don't want to use food because that's not my parenting style so I'd rather just keep repeating why doing X is not ok. So I don't really have answers more solidarity!

When my DS went through a hitting / pushing phase, I would give him ONE warning and then if it happened again we would leave and go home. This is sometimes really annoying (eg if you've just got there or paid for entry) but it was the only thing that worked.

My DS didn't hit at home though (not sure why). Does yours usually hit at home or out of the house?

Don't leave the room for hitting unless it's necessary for yourself to cool down
Try to keep the consequence as small, as immediate, and as reversible as possible.
For example if they are swinging on your hand when walking just let go instantly and then take their hand back straight after. Then that might be the end of it, but if they swing again let go instantly and then say I'll take it back if you stop swinging.
Then if again let go and tell them again and say "is that ok?" Before taking it back. And so on and so on.
If they get upset at any point it's offer a cuddle but don't take the hand back without the rest of the communication.
If you're having a "final" consequence like leaving the room or taking the dinner away completely, you basically spend a whole getting annoyed and trying to explain before you actually take it away, but kids can't understand what you mean until you show them. Then it turns into a big deal.
If you can find the smallest way to show them before you are even annoyed, then it's over before it's started.
It's difficult and it takes a while to get there, and sometimes it's hard to keep everyone calm which is another key, but it does get easier in time!
Take care and good luck.

Sorry so just to cover your hitting example I think I'd go for putting my hand over their hand and or moving away.
Then if they try again it's "no hitting I don't like it"
and next add to that moving away further/standing up
And slightly raised voice and next pushing them away more forcefully etc
And if (when!!) It turns to crying it's offer a cuddle straight away to reconnect straight away and then say are you ok (and listen to the answer) and then say you can say sorry if you want (but it's fine not to, the main thing is reconnect) and you can also say "if you feel like that again you can hit the floor/ask for a cuddle/shout and scream" or whatever you would prefer them to do to deal with their strong feeling.
Good luck

Instead of “we don’t hit” or referring to yourself as mummy I find it has more impact to say, clearly but at normal volume, while down at their level “I can’t let you hit, someone will get hurt” and gently stop the hitting hand.

You might find Janet Lansbury’s podcasts and book No bad kids helpful, I have and have recommended her to friends who found her advice easily applicable and sustainable. I know you’re fed up, who isn’t at times, but if you think of him as being “a naughty child” you’ll find more things to be riled by than if you phrase it in your head as him funding live frustrating and not being able to express that in suitable words or a socially acceptable way.

He’s not doing it to piss you off, he’s learning and growing like mad and has more thoughts in his head and feelings in his heart than he can possibly express. If you approach him with more compassion and understanding you might find it easier to let go of anger once the moment has passed.

Stopping him watching tv because he was hitting might make you feel better because you think it shows you mean business. But in future it’s highly unlikely he’ll decide not to hit out because he remembers what you did last time. They’re 2 unrelated things and he’s acting on impulse, it’s not premeditated.