not having another child when first has significant needs

[Warmsocks1983]

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance after being called selfish for not giving my child a sibling.

My little girl has significant needs due to a rare syndrome which has resulted in significant developmental delay, epilepsy and chronic sleep difficulties. I haven't slept for a full night in over 5 years. I love my child more than anything in the entire world and had always planned to have more but the reality is she requires constant round the clock care and supervision and attends a SEN school. I am constantly tired, and feel like I couldn't cope as she requires so much attention. Recently when asked if I plan to have anymore I am often met with a disappointing look and have been called selfish for saying I don't think we will.

These people dont realise that It hurts so much. I know other families manage and maybe we could but having another child would take so much of our time away from our first born or mean less time for a second child and I just feel that's an awful position to be in. The thought of my child having no siblings when we are gone too also scares me but i can't see how we would cope right now. We have very little hands on support from relatives or friends.

Of course it's not selfish, the opposite in fact. Ignore such ignorant people. Having lots of children is selfish.

Well all those disapproving people can just fuck right off.

I have 1 child because that's how many I want, you have made a decision based on the best needs of your child and ensuring that you can provide physically and emotionally for them.

Next time they say something disapproving just look at them and say 'really?' And then go quiet and keep looking at them while they get more uncomfortable. Do not justify yourself or feel you need to explain.

I would say it would be selfish to have more! I think you're making a very sensible decision here.

Ignore any idiot who thinks they know best, having never walked in your shoes. You know best. 💐

@MolliciousIntent "I would say it would be selfish to have more!"

To be honest, that's just as harmful as being told you are selfish for not having more. It's a very personal decision. How about just letting people make the decisions that are right for them without judgement?

@Warmsocks1983 It's such a useless, generic response to the discussion about siblings (being selfish not to provide one) it was probably said with no thought into it at all. I would just ignore it and make the decisions that are right for you and your own circumstances.

who are these people who think they can tell someone else how many kids they should have? What amazing arrogance. It’s totally up to you. Your reasons don’t sound selfish at all, quite the opposite but you shouldn’t need to explain them to anyone in the first place.

It's not selfish at all . My uncle and aunt had a disabled first child and the two that came along after and no time or attention given to them because literally everything was geared around the disabled firstborn

You sound like a brilliant mother to me. Best to put your child first and that’s exactly what you’re doing. F* the bastards who have no clue!!!!

What would be selfish is having another child for "reasons" when you know you would struggle, wouldn't be able to give them enough attention etc. It's a child not a kitten. No child NEEDS a sibling.

Oh thank you all so much. I am actually welling up with all of your support! I know deep down we are doing the right thing for our child but I guess as she gets older it's a common question people want to ask about - siblings - and that has really thrown me when I've been met with negative responses. For what it's worth, I am sad at the thought of having no more but am content in the fact that we have 1 beautiful child, who is so loving and affectionate, who we will be able to care for and focus on solely without financial burden. I know I couldn't say that if we had another. Thank you all. It's not an easy thing to talk to people about irl. xx

I had a second after my disabled first child had started school
she was 7 when my second child was born, no regrets we had lots of time together when older one was in school
I worked from home in the evenings when they were both in bed
I know what you mean about who will take care of my child when I’m gone, it’s the worst feeling in the world
But no guarantee that a sibling would ease that fear
My children get on, not all do

I have a fortunately very healthy and just turned 5yo DS. I hated pregnancy and the early days, PND, anxiety, lack of sleep etc. I'm not going to do that again. It's not fair on any of us, nor do I want to have to rearrange all the bedrooms etc to accommodate such a change. I occasionally have pangs of guilt/ longing but then I remember what I haven't blocked out from that 12+ months of struggling and realise this is right for all of us.