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Original poster

Violent toddler tantrums

21 replies

Jjjjjjs · 20/07/2022 21:10

My daughter is almost 3 and gets very violent when she has a tantrum, to the extent that she attacked me so badly that I had a panic attack. Since this attack I really struggle to hold it together when she has a tantrum. I really need to stop the violence. We use gentle parenting techniques and explain to her that it is ok to be upset but it is not OK to hurt someone etc... but we have been doing this over a year and she is just getting more violent. She is a really loving child when she isn't having a tantrum but just so physical when she is upset (she even bit her own hand once when she couldn't get to me)
Any tried and tested tips on how to stop this behaviour would be really appreciated!

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 20/07/2022 21:18

Honestly, it's not "gentle", but the minute my toddler hits me the second time, she gets put in her cot for about 30 seconds.

She gets upset, she hits me, I say " you're very upset, it's OK to be upset but it's not OK to hit, if you hit me again you'll go in your cot so we're both safe". She'll either then scream the house down instead or she hits me again. If she hits me again I pick her up, put her in the cot and say " you're in here because you hit me again, it's ok to be upset but it's not ok to hit" and then I leave for literally 30 seconds max. Then I come back, repeat the phrase, pick her up and give lots and lots of love and cuddles til she calms down.

She's 2 and 9m and the hitting is getting much less frequent.

You're doing your child no favours by being gentle when they're violent.

Perfect28 · 20/07/2022 21:21

Where are you reading the gentle parenting techniques? What is their advice?

I think you need to set boundaries and stick firm to them. Firm, fair, clear. Consistent.

On top of that try and work out if there's any pattern in the behaviour and if there are any possible modifications that can be made to that routine.

cestlavielife · 20/07/2022 21:33

She us two
She is communicating
She is not violent

Show her other ways to express her emotions
She is allowed to get frustrated
But she can tell you if she has speech to do so

If she lashing out
Move away
Let her thrash on floor

Tell her to talk when she is calm and tell you what she wants
And you csn explain what she csn or cznnot have

MummyJ36 · 20/07/2022 21:37

My daughter hit a bad patch at 3 and would lash out. I tried everything but the only thing that made her snap out of it was giving a very basic very easy to understand consequence. First one was no TV for the rest of the day. She never believed I’d follow through and I did and she was gutted. Second one was no treats (she normally gets a little treat after nursery like a couple of jelly babies etc.). She lost the plot but I held strong. It only took doing it a few times for her to realise I was serious and it shocked me how quickly the behaviour took a turn for the better. Sometimes a 3 year old can’t be reasoned with and they need a direct consequence for their action.

cudbywestrangers · 20/07/2022 21:48

My 2 had awful tantrums. Best thing is to avoid it starting- obviously not always possible but tired and hungry were always a problem so I'd try to be alert to those... once it started, the only thing that worked was putting them somewhere safe and waiting nearby (out of harm's way but not abandoning them) until they calm down enough for a cuddle. You can't talk or reason or cuddle them while they're in full flow. Not mine anyway!

Original poster
Jjjjjjs · 20/07/2022 22:12

Thanks for the advise everyone!
I have tried putting her in her room / a safe space but she just chases after me.
I have also attempted to watch out for triggers but she has a meltdown anytime you don't do exactly what she wants, earlier she had one because I walked the wrong way to the swing... 😶
I shall attempt to give some of these a go although it is hard to remain logical when someone is hitting you and pulling your hair out!!

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 20/07/2022 23:24

The chasing after you I why she goes in the cot. she.must not be allowed to hurt you.

Original poster
Jjjjjjs · 20/07/2022 23:33

Sadly she hasn't been in a cot for ages so nowhere safe to put her!

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 21/07/2022 06:06

Shut the door on her? This is a safety issue. Gentle is all very well and good, but not in the face of violence.

Perfect28 · 21/07/2022 06:34

Does she have much control in her life? When you can do you offer choices?

babysoupdragon2 · 21/07/2022 06:43

"I will not let you hurt me"

You say that clearly and you move yourself away to a safe place. You shut a door between you if you have to. When she calms a little repeat.

"I can see you are very upset, it's ok to be upset, but I will not let you hurt me."

Be absolutely consistent with this boundary. Gentle parenting is not allowing yourself to be used as a punchbag.

You can offer her cushions to hit, safe objects to throw. As soon as she stops hitting then return to her, it's not a punishment, it's just to keep yourself safe. When she is calm you can talk about what happened. "It's my job as a mummy to keep us all safe, I had to go away from you because I had to keep myself safe from your hitting. You've stopped trying to hurt me now and now we can be close again."

Beltloop · 21/07/2022 06:52

having a “tantrum” because you went the wrong way to the swings could be a sign she’s autistic.

are there any other signs?

jammiewhammie65 · 21/07/2022 06:56

Shut the door and hold it till she's calm. You can't have this. She's going to get bigger and stronger.

cestlavielife · 21/07/2022 08:30

", earlier she had one because I walked the wrong way to the swing... 😶"

For her
Mum said we going to swing
Then she started walking to the dentist
I hate the dentist
I dont have the language to ask
Why are we going this way?
So i lashed out to try to tell he

So
Identify triggers
Be clearer
Use clear language and let her know along route
That you are still going to swing

Pashazade · 21/07/2022 08:41

I'm pretty sure OP meant she took the wrong route to the actual swing whilst in the playground rather than taking the wrong route to get there.

cestlavielife · 21/07/2022 10:05

Same thing.
Chikd did not know they vwere going to swing.so communicated.
Begavioyr us communucation
Mum could say lets go to swing let s go this way we going to swing we going to swing

cottagegardenflower · 21/07/2022 10:40

Get a tall gate and segregate the kitchen or similar small safe area and if she is violent put her there and stay on the safe side.

User55555 · 10/09/2023 17:06

@Jjjjjjs hi there, are you still active? Would love to hear an update if you are. Hope things have improved for you x

SeulementUneFois · 10/09/2023 17:12

I know that this would be called a zombie thread but same question here - how are things @Jjjjjjs ?

User55555 · 10/09/2023 17:37

@SeulementUneFois hi, sounds like you might be in same boat as me? Sympathies if that's the case. What's going on? I'm so miserable I'm spending every spare minute trawling Mumsnet for angry-toddler success stories x

SeulementUneFois · 10/09/2023 17:57

Ah no, my sister in law is sadly...but she's too "soft" so doesn't want to implement any consequences.
I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation. I can't offer you any first hand advice, but there's one poster somewhere on the thread who mentioned being very firm with (even day long) consequences, and that working eventually - did you see that post.

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