My 9 year old daughter is too scared to sleep alone

[Harrisonf]

I’m at my wits end!!

Started last year, possibly around halloween time. My previously amazing sleeper of a daughter woke up pretty much every night wanting me. I’d then go back to her room and sleep in there with her. Somehow miraculously over the Christmas holidays it seemed to get fixed and she was ok. Then in May this year it started up again, and has been gradually getting worse. She now finds it hard to get to sleep unless im sitting outside her room, and then in the night when she wakes she comes into us and says she’s scared and needs me. She’s incredibly stubborn and any attempt at sleep training type stuff just seems to lead to huge arguments in the middle of the night and us all being awake. We’ve suggested she share a room with her younger brother (7) but she can’t tolerate his mild snoring. We’re currently paying for her to have some cbt because I think it’s anxiety and habit and I don’t know how to really help. But so far she’s had 4 sessions and we’ve not seen much improvement.

I don’t know what I’m posting this on here
for really other than reassurance if anyone has been through similar and it get sorted?! Currently I feel like I’ll never get an evening or uninterrupted night’s sleep again 😩😴🥱

Is the person doing the CBT without you present? Because surely the sessions are partly about giving you strategies too? Also I believe (but have only heard this so it may not be accurate) this type of thing works better as a parent -kid exercise with the therapist.

Anyway this book is really good for extra help.

Have you talked to her about what specifically is scaring her? A reoccurring dream or being alone etc?
I'm not in this situation myself but I have been the 9 year old girl scared senseless because I watched a horror movie at that age. I remember not being able to sleep without the light on, waking from nightmares that affected me so much I would throw up, being scared to be in places like the bathroom by myself.
Your daughter might need your support and perhaps some coping mechanisms for when she is feeling vulnerable? She might seem a bit old for it, but is there something she could use a comforter, that would make her feel safe?
Otherwise time may be the healer?

Thank you yes she’s doing the sessions
sothout me there (I wait outside). She came up (with my daughter’s input) with a 4 week plan, each week with goals. This week we’re supposed to have her go to sleep with me just being upstairs and then she not appear in the night before 1. The in the night bit she seems
to be doing ok ish with, but the going to sleep part she’s really struggling with. To be fair the heat really really isn’t helping. But I feel like getting cbt to me was like a last tool to use. I’m now out of ideas!

shes definitely massively sensitive
tp anything scary (which I can understand)
so we’re very aware of what she sees. Kids at school were talking about Pennywise a lot for a bit which is mostly what she’s scared of. It just feels it’s been going on an awfully long time now. I’m sympathetic when she seems genuinely scared but half the time she kind of acts like its just habit and it’s what she expects.

Buy a large U shaped pregnancy style pillow. Once my DD had something 'me' shaped ro cuddle in bed she was happy to go back to sleeping in her bed. She was older than your DD and a fairly inexpensive thing to try.

The plan sounds pretty much like the book. It's worth reading because it gives some background and context to worries - and also she helpful tips about how YOU can respond to her response to the CBT... i.e it's not an instant fix but it's a powerful tool if you give it time to bed in. The other thing is not to treat it as a malfunction that needs fixing but as an emotional/anxious response that will have some logical root (however bad the logic!).

My now 13 dd had a phase at about that age where she frequently came and slept in our bed during the night. Is it such a problem? She'll grow out of it. It didn't occur to me to do anything but let her snuggle up when she needed to.

Honestly I remember being similarly terrified at that age. Every day seemed to be about the fear of the night that loomed ahead of me. My wonderful parents didn't really engage with it. I vowed that when I had kids I wouldn't leave them if they were afraid at night. My daughter went through this at the same age. I just set a mat up on my floor and told her anytime she was scared she could come and sleep there. This immediately relieved some of the stress she associated with nighttime because she had a safe option. It lasted a few months and then - because she felt in control and nighttimes were no longer full of fear - it resolved itself. She now sleeps in her own room.

So I'd support her to sleep close to you. It's a phase and won't last forever.

DD did the same though a year older. We ended up cosleeping again! DH ended up in her bed. We didn’t manage it that well looking back as we’d got to the desperate for any kind of sleep stage and once in bed with me, she didn’t want to move back to her own room! Took us nearly 4 years!
you’re doing amazingly though, already starting with the cbt 👍

Been through this with both of my DC.
One thing that worked was using FaceTime or some other video calling thing between our rooms so DC could see and talk to me if needed but I wasn't in the room.
One turned out to be autistic with accompanying anxiety but grew out of it eventually.

My 15 year old is too afraid to sleep alone. She's autistic and hugely anxious though.

I was like this at that age and what helped me was having the light on and the local radio station playing . My anxieties came from a nightmare I had about a tall skinny man peering in the window and then I used to lie and worry about the world ending or planes crashing and hated sleeping myself . I also ended up having my younger brother in the same room but separate beds .