Need to reconnect with 7 year old DS

[ilkleymoorbartat]

He's really pushing boundaries. I feel like we're 'on ' hIm ALL THE TIME.

He takes on what we say at the time, but then I forgets it immediately. So we're constantly having to repeat ourselves and it's so tiring and boring for all of us. Plus it's making mine and DH tolerance pretty low.

There's general backchat attitude, and an answer for everything. We've gone over rules very clearly with him and his younger sister but it's just not gojng in.

What else can we do? Immediate consequences? Today I switched the tv off straight away when he was mildly rude to me about something. I didn't say why, he knew. More of this?

Also feel like we need to lovebomb, but can both strategies work together???

Was about to give advice but given he’s 7, I’m in the same boat so just watching instead. It’s a touch age, still so young but headed into more common sense territory!!

What's 'mildly rude?'

You'll just end up in a cycle of punishments if you do things like turning off the things for something minor. Just tell him off? Pull him up on manners / how we speak to people and then just move on?

You do not need to punish for every single misdemeanour unless you want a resentful child who doesn't feel like they have anything to lose

@HardRockOwl that's what I'm worried about. I've never actually done anything like that before, but it just feels like we are constantly repeating the same things about manners, being polite, not doing certain behaviours to his sister. I feel like that's also making him resentful which is the LAST thing I want.

I wish we could just ignore a lot of it, but some of his behaviour is just daft and definitely rude and needs pulling up.

When he was watching tv he said that the tv wasn't working and it was my fault. In isolation I'd just normally ignore that, but after endless surliness / cheekiness and constant reminders it becomes hard to.

I love him so much, feel like I'm failing him a bit atm.

My 6.5 year old DS is hard work too. He's an absolute joy most of the time but over the past few months there's been a real increase in backchat, rudeness, winding up his sister, blaming others/whining constantly, and relentless badgering for screens or whatever else he wants. It's exhausting.

Added into the mix are his 4-going-on-14 year old sister and a 9 month old baby. I'm shattered. Everyone is constantly moaning at me about something.

I'm going to try my best to have positive interactions with the kids as much as possible. I've got stuck in a cycle of negative interactions. I'm trying to do washing, cook, feed cats, pick up toys, get the shopping etc etc all flipping day long and the only interactions I have with my children are generally to give them a row, break up a fight, nag them about something, tell them screen time is up... No wonder we're all miserable. I'm aiming for a lot more positivity in the hope it breeds an environment that fosters polite, happy, well behaved angelic children.

We'll see.

No advice but wanted to let you know we're in the exact same boat. You're not alone

It is absolutely tiring and boring!

Things that help me with DD2 (7):

Saying "ok" then ignoring when they argue about nonsense

State the behaviour we want, not the negative eg "We use our napkins to wipe", not "don't wipe your hand on your clothes". Sounds less naggy

Asking her to state the rule, rather than me tell her yet again, or asking, "What do we do with our school bags when we get home?" She often doesn't answer, just does what needs doing

Time away from siblings

Lots of physical contact including wrestling and tickling

Calm request for the right tone eg I can't understand you when you speak like that

Giving responsibility - setting the table, picking up dog poo, folding clothes

"Giving in imagination" when they push back: What vegetable would you send to room 101? What would you do on a play date with [friend]? What would you do all day if you didn't have to go to school?

Closed choices

Reading this back, it's actually like having a toddler again!

I could have written this. DD is 7 and honestly it feels like we are always at her for something but she doesn't seem to take on board anything we say. We get back chat and rudeness and no consequences seem to work. We were pretty bad for empty threats so are trying to be more consistent and follow through now but can't say it's having much effect. She's such a bright kid and it almost feels like she's older than her years. Feel out of my depth at the moment in knowing what to do for the best.

I don’t know - I think sometimes you have to kill them with kindness and other times they need to see their boundaries. So for something like ‘the tv isn’t working, it’s your fault’ I probably wouldn’t give them a rise, and would just say ‘my fault? Why is it my fault? Do you mean you want me to help fix the TV?’ Like model calmness. I think if you react harshly to every little thing they actually end up worse.

With the behaviours towards his sister that would be a time I’d need to come down - is he picking on her/being mean? That to me would be a warning and consequence type thing more than silly comments.

Exactly how I feel @usernotfound0000 , out of my depth as to how to help.

Thanks for the tips @HeyMicky I would say we try and do those things but could definitely be more consistent. And as a previous poster mentioned it's a bit like he should know better by now!!

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen really helped me in a similar rut. I realised almost everything I was saying was negative or critical in some way. DS responds much better to positive interactions, who doesn’t? So instead of saying ‘you haven’t finished tidying the table, why not’ I would say ‘You remembered to clear the plates into the dishwasher, the table is nearly clear.’ Still a work in progress for me but definitely makes me feel I am not being a nagging monster most of the time.

and praising anything good. ‘You cleaned your teeth without being asked, that is very grown up’

Yeah I agree @Kanaloa I could have handed that better for sure! But like I said I think it was at the end of the day where there had been lots of similar interactions with him.

Also, I feel like isn't being rude something that should be a non negotiable?

I don’t think being rude should be negotiable. But for a comment like ‘the TV isn’t working, it’s your fault’ I’d just be more mild/bore them. Or point out ‘that’s not my fault, why are you saying that?’

I see a lot of parents at work who seem to be more in the attitude of ‘winning.’ Being rude is non-negotiable is all very fine and well but the thing is being strict is not really working is it? If he’s still doing it. I think many kids do it for the reaction, so I’d take the bite out of the reaction to bore them for silly things like that comment.

By ‘winning’ I mean parents who’ll try and make the child do what they want by the methods they want. I think because they’ve become frustrated that their method isn’t working and so ramp things up and then get more frustrated. Whereas I often find stepping back and becoming more communicative/less reactive works better for the parent and the child. But I think some parents see it as the child ‘getting their way’ etc.

@Solasum I hate the tone of that book but I LOVE the tips 🤪

I think when you’re busy it’s easy to forget that kids like any attention. Mum with steam coming out of her ears is interesting/rewarding in some ways.

I tried to go for (almost) relentless positivity, ignoring what we could, saying quick, calm things instead of nagging, being firm when needed.

”10 minutes until bed time.”
”Time for bed what story/talking book do you want?”
”Kids, pyjamas.”

”We use words in our house.”

”Coat on hook please.”

so calm, clear and firm. Trying to avoid bickering back. So hard when you are frazzled though.

Yeah I totally agree, it becomes a battle of wills.

Me and DH keep saying we need to take a step back a bit, so we just need to act and do that.
I think the reason I did that with the tv is because we generally ATEN'T strict. But you're right, taking the heat out is probably what's needed.

It's just the frustration from him not responding so that's making it hard to keep patient!

Yes love bombing can help counteract the negative effect of punishments, and you can use both together. 15 minute parenting is really good for this kind of thing and helpful.

You might also want to look at some root cause stuff - when you're punishing the behaviour that might stop the behaviour but what is causing/triggering the behaviour in the first place? If you're finding you're experiencing a lot of behaviour that seems to need punishing this can be a good route to go down because it can be a sign that something is bubbling underneath the surface. Ross Greene has a great book called Raising Human Beings which is good for this.

Yes, totally a battle of wills. They’re little buggers. I personally think around this age (6-8 type age) is even worse than toddler because they are suddenly feeling a bit of their own power, like ‘ooh I can annoy mum and dad and make them really frazzled if I do xyz/I can get extra attention by doing abc.’ It’s like they suddenly realise they CAN have a battle of wills with mum and dad.

The only thing that helps me is being really bland/sweet and modeling nicer behaviour for the small silly stuff but prioritising some hard things which have consequences we always follow through on. For me those things are like hitting/fighting siblings or anyone else, trashing or being silly with belongings, being nasty etc. And a lot of other things (picking up shoes, taking ages to do tasks etc) I just let go/nicely remind and trust that they’ll get there in the end.

We remind ourselves that they are learning about relationships from/with us.
it’s a shock when you first get a stroppy shrug or a “whatever” from your little darling.

Have no TV after tea rule?
Ds7 loves board games. And is bloody brilliant at dominoes and card games! Maybe your ds could get to stay up a bit after his younger sibling for a game or 2? Giving a bit of Grown Up time to the oldest goes a long way ime.

I have a seven year old and feel exactly the same. Getting so much attitude at the moment. Thing is he’s very clever, got top marks in year 2 sats exams and really good with his little brother. He’s just so cheeky with me I don’t know how to handle it!

@Hotenoughtoburnasausage that's a good idea. Unfortunately they're really close in age, so go to bed at a similar time. But maybe just separating them off a bit from 7 could be a good idea.

Not much to add, but watching the replies. Maybe it's a 7 thing. I feel exactly the same about my DS (also have one younger child) at present. He's become aloof as well as boundary-testing, so I keep oscillating between thinking that I need to shower him with attention and panic that I've never been strict enough. I'm in my 40s, so with dread have started to hear myself saying '30 years ago none of us would ever have dreamed of...'

OP, just in case helpful, I'm reading Positive Discipline and loving it so far.

She says both harsh and permissive parenting strategies are short-term solutions - will stop the kid but will set up longer-term issues in the adult (kids of strict parents grow up to be people pleasers and of permissive parents grow up to be self-centred and crave negative attention).

Her positive discipline strategies are about good communication, respect, embracing mistakes as learning opportunities, and modelling the behaviour you want to see in your child. So you're putting in more effort but it's a long-term win - you're raising a capable future-adult who feels loved and secure, and is capable of good communication.

I'm not all the way to the end so not quite implementing it all yet! But I think her theory is sound and the things I have done have helped.

Best of luck x

Also just to add that if they behave well at school/gymnastics/cubs whatever then they are good kids still but testing things out at home?

Ilkley if you feel ok can you tell us something he likes or is good at or makes you laugh? If you don’t want to say it’s fine but it can be good to remember sometimes.

I always feel a step behind them. That they are pulling ahead and by the time I catch up they have moved on again…