How to deal with my emotions through tantrums

[ScrambledEggs1]

I've got a 2-yr-old and a 4-yr-old. There's a LOT of squabbling and tantrumming going on at the moment, particularly from DC2. In my head I know this is normal, just something you get through as best you can and I'm happy with my approach to dealing with them and resolving issues.

My problem is what to do about MY emotional reaction to their emotions. Firstly, I feel like I'm constantly in high stress anticipating the next meltdown, secondly, it physically hurts my ears and head even if they are brief outbursts that are quickly dealt with. I feel like it hurts me deep inside and I end up feeling like I want to rage about and hide in a dark quiet place at the same time. Is this normal? Do others feel like this? I've been through two sudden and very traumatic bereavements in the past few years and I wonder if these extreme emotions are a symptom of PTSD or depression (although I don't feel lower than you'd expect after two losses, just overwhelmed), or whether it's just a normal part of parenting small children.

If you have felt like this, have you found anything that help?

Thank you! Feeling like I'm going to crack soon.

I think it’s really normal. I feel the same - I find my blood boils when DS whines even if I am calm and supportive on the outside. I’ve been trying to work out why it triggers me so much. The reasons will be different for everyone and you’ve probably touched on some in your post. For me, I think I was always expected to be happy as a child and any negative emotion was considered ‘bad’. It’s hard to shake off things that deeply engrained. If that resonates (or even if it doesn’t) I really recommend ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ by Phillipa Perry. I’ve found it quite enlightening for working through my own thoughts and emotions with regards to parenting.

I was just going to recommend Philippa Perry’s book too. I found it (plus some revelations I had through therapy for something else) a real revelation. It has helped me understand why I respond the way I do to my DC but unfortunately hasn’t made me any more tolerant of their outbursts or irrationality

I think it’s quite normal and it is a positive step that you realise how it makes you feel. For me what helped was taking a breath and thinking before saying or doing anything and also if they are safe taking a minute out so walking away. This has also helped through the teenage years!!!

Thanks for your recommendations! I tried reading that book shortly into the first lockdown and was swearing at it by the time I was a few pages in, along the lines of "it's not my bloody childhood that's making me stressed, it's a f*ing pandemic with a newborn and a 2-yr-old climbing up the walls, shortly after seeing two loved ones die out of the blue". I'm probably in a better frame of mind for psychological insights now!