Struggling with the baby stage - when will things get better?

[anz07]

I am a first time mum to a beautiful little girl who I fought so hard to have (IVF baby after 4 miscarriages). I know I am so incredibly lucky to have my DD and pinch myself every day when I look at her - I really can’t believe she’s here. However, I am finding motherhood very tough. My DD is almost 6 months old and is pretty good but I am just finding the baby stage relentless. She needs to be entertained 24/7 and is rather loud - I know all babies can scream but my DD is another level! I have set up lots of parent groups in the area so regularly meet with other mums who have babies of a similar age and my daughter is by far the loudest. Even the other mums look at me in disbelief when my DD is having a meltdown. I was in a coffee shop earlier trying to feed her and she screamed the place down because I couldn’t make the bottle fast enough. The whole coffee shop fell silent and looked at us. I know all parents go through this but my DD can really scream - I regularly feel my ear drums vibrating. I have never been a huge baby fan so knew I would find this stage tricky but didn’t anticipate quite how difficult it would be. I miss my old life very much which is a bit of a mind f**k after fighting so hard to have this child. I love her to bits and wouldn’t change her for the world, but I wish I could enjoy being a parent instead of waking up every day wondering how I will get through another day of this madness. I miss my job very much and resent the fact that my partner has the ‘best of both worlds’ - work and parenthood (even though they are fantastic and do A LOT - so absolutely no complaints there). I guess I’m just looking for some positivity or words of wisdom. Please tell me this gets easier, or at least more manageable? For mums out there who didn’t enjoy the baby stage, when did you feel things improved? I so desperately want to be the best parent I can be but feel riddled with guilt every day over the fact that I’m simply not enjoying being a mother, at least not to a screaming baby. I know I’ll be so much better at this when she’s older. I just wish I didn’t feel so deflated and hopeless every day.

Hey OP, you have a beautiful DD who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to speak up. Isn't that great! Isn't it great she is going to be so fierce and forthright in her beliefs and opinions.

What I mean by this, is don't think of this as negative.

All children are different, some are loud, some aren't. If she shouts, that's okay, she is safe and loved. And that's all that matters. Every day might be a bit long, but she is growing into the beautiful little girl you are rightly looking forward to. And oh my gosh, isn't she going to love you.

Don't worry about what anyone in the coffee shops are thinking, or the baby groups. If anyone says anything, your answer is in my first paragraph. You've got this.

This is the loveliest response I've seen in a long time (and I agree with every word) 💐

I've can't relate fully, as in I've not experienced every day like this. But I've certainly had days throughout the early days, where I would wish them away. They are tough! And your little girl sounds like a belter bless her heart.

When they can begin to interact, I found they quieten down and have other ways of communicating their needs. Could you try doing some signs with her?

I don't have much advice, except to try hang in there, enjoy what you can, but don't feel too guilty about finding it hard. It's awful sometimes (as much as I adore my DC). But it is also magical and wonderful. Keep on keeping on. Xxx

I think it can be extra hard when you've gone through IVF and miscarriages because motherhood becomes this promised land and then when you get there and some things are hard, there's an extra layer of rage and anti-climax to be contended with. Did you have any counselling about your miscarriages and fertility? It might help.

About your baby - comparison is the thief of joy. You have this one particular baby, and ok if she's a screamer then she's a screamer. It's not your fault, she just has the personality she has. Some people are a bit quicker to protest or make their feelings heard. It might not make for an easy baby but it often makes for a very interesting person.

Having had two babies, it was only when I had my second that I realised I didn't have 'a baby', I had a small person who was going to grow up to be herself and how I mothered her was only a small part of how she'd turn out. When I had my second who wanted to smile at me and cuddle all day where my firstborn had been quite hard to settle and needed lots of stimulation, to be honest it sometimes got a bit boring because you can only smile for so long!

Do you get out much? When are you due back at work? There's no shame in going back a bit early, maybe part-time. I found that a break from my baby made me a better mother because I appreciated them more.

Didn't want to read and run as this struck a cord with me, I too remember when I had my daughter 21 months ago after a miscarriage & then struggling to conceive feeling like this! It's like you wanted it so long then when she arrived I felt guilty as I missed the old me, our life & just generally feeling so chaotic all the time was really tough in the early days! It's like a huge shock to your system to adjust to.

I promise you it does get easier, it's great that you've got other mums to meet with (this is something I wish I could have done more off but lockdown ruined it!) for me I think things started feeling a bit easier when my baby started sleeping better at about 6m when I stopped breastfeeding - that was key for me, everyone is different but hang in there & some day soon you will feel a bit more settled, it's a huge life change.

With regards to your baby being loud in the coffee shop - try not to worry about what anyone thinks I know it's hard but she's expressing herself & that's a very good thing!

Ah lovely, the baby stage is hard, especially if you have a harder baby! My DS was similar. Required so much stimulation and knew his mind and what he wanted from a TINY age. No sitting in his pram or his bouncer just watching the world go by for us! Even though he seemed so independent, he also required so much external soothing from me when he was upset. No self soothing whatsoever. Basically, he was extremely full on and extracted all from me. I found maternity leave a long and exhausting slog.

It got exponentially better from about 12 to 14 months. With regards to DS, he learnt to walk and started to really understand what we were saying and he became infinitely more content. He’s 2 now and he’s great. Still intense, still knows his mind and still requires a lot of me, but he’s also great fun, easy to take out and about and I don’t find him difficult at all. His speech is phenomenal, which helps. I also went back to work part time, which really saved me. I’m not ashamed to say I have more mental and physical space for DS 2 days a week as opposed to 5 (plus weekends).

Keep swimming, as PP says a lot of ‘difficult’ baby traits make for great kids and adults, which is the end game of all of this (as I must have muttered to myself a million times a day on maternity leave!)

The baby stage can be sooooo rough yet so lovely and it’s rare that you ever have a situation in life where you get so many conflicting emotions. My little boy was a particularly high needs newborn so I’ve found every stage since so much better despite new ‘challenges’ arising. At the stage you’re at now they have a little personality and know what they want but can’t communicate efficiently or even move to show you what they want / get what they want, it must be quite frustrating to be six months old sometimes.

I know it’s really tough to think like that when your baby is screaming at you but it really did help me, obviously I used to get stressed out but I just tried to think this is all they know for now and once they can (for example) crawl to the toy they want, or ask me for a drink, it’ll get easier - and it totally did.

Every stage definitely has different challenges but I truly believe that for those who find the baby stage difficult every stage after is better/easier than the last (however I’ve heard this is not the case once they hit teen years!). Just get through each day as best you can and know you’re doing your very best and that is enough.

I don’t have any advice as I’m actually a month behind you with a nearly 5 month old screamer. I was desperate for a baby and I love him with all my heart but it’s been a struggle every day since he was born. He has reflux and a milk allergy and his crying sounds much like your LO. I’ve had doctors wince over how loud he is, people actually tell me he’s the loudest baby they’ve ever heard and many stares when out and he decides because I didn’t do exactly what he wanted ten seconds ago he’s going to have a meltdown. He needs constant entertainment and currently gets very frustrated he can’t crawl when I put him on his front.
It’s lovely and actually really helpful reading these comments from other people and helps me remember everything is a phase.
also very much looking forward to going back to work after 6 months maternity leave. Something I never thought I’d say but I think it will be good for all of us and definitely make me a less frazzled and therefore better mother. It’s so very hard though.

No real advice, but I just wanted to agree with the first comment and offer some solidarity. I have a baby who gets bored easily and knows what she wants, ie will cry quite loudly if she doesn't get a nap or feed as soon as she needs it. I mentioned it to a psychologist I was seeing and she told me it was a great thing as it meant my child will grow up to be strong-willed and assertive. She also said not to let anyone make me feel like it's a bad thing (including well-meaning nursery nurses). I know it's hard, I have had times where I've felt the same so I understand.

Also I know it sounds like such a cliche but a good friend who has also found the baby stage difficult told me everything is a stage, nothing is permanent and you won't always feel like this. It doesn't mean it's not hard. Hang in there! __

Thank you everyone for your lovely messages, they have helped immensely at this time. It is a really tough period and I am looking forward to DD being a bit older so that I can understand her needs a little better. Every day seems like a slog at the moment! Unfortunately (or fortunately?!) I am on a loooooong maternity leave of 13 months - Lord save me! I took the full year plus annual leave thinking it would be a magical time. I did contemplate going back to work early but decided against this as I feel I will only ever do this the one time so wanted to give it my all...even though it is killing me. DD will start nursery one day a week in Jan and my partner is dropping to 4 days a week so will be looking after her one day a week too, so I'm sure things will feel more manageable in the New Year. Just have to ride out this wave until then. Here's hoping things get better soon, or at least that I can try and be positive in challenging times. Thank you all again x

Oh OP I remember those days 😞 even the health visitor commented on how ‘unhappy’ my baby was compared to everyone else’s 😳 nothing I did made her happy, and I felt like I was
a shit mum who obviously couldn’t do what she needed.

ANYWAY - she turned a corner at, I think, around 8/9 months old, she started on solids (which she enjoyed), she could roll about a bit and crawl over to toys she wanted etc and I just felt like I ‘knew’ her a little bit better. It was gradual but things have improved ever since and she’s 3 now.

I still tell people I realised I didnt like babies, when my first was about 2 months old 😂 give me a toddler any day, I absolutely love 1-3. To be honest I would rather it was that way round, as they’re only a baby for such a short space of time.

long story short - it will get better x

I hated the baby stage up until 6months - I had post natal anxiety and didn't realise.
I thought everyone was looking at and judging me when my baby cried - they weren't, it just felt like it.

I really believe this may be the same for you, when we are struggling, we think of everything in a negative light and it's hard to see the positive.

I think when I recognised what my triggers were and was able to recognise it as anxiety, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. This was helped by counselling!

That baby is now a toddler and the most delightful little thing ever, who still has meltdowns - but so much easier to manage.

This baby was so longed after as well after a MMC and I felt so guilty for a period of time for feeling the way I did, when they were so wanted!

Stick it out, it will get easier ❤️ and don't be afraid to ask for help xx

I was not a fan of the baby stage, I found it hard. I thought it was me but one of my dc was just a high needs baby. Got better when they gained some independence and could walk. Better again when they could talk. Toddler years were easier, now in primary school so so easy! I’m sure the teen years will be difficult in some ways but hang on in there, little by little it gets easier.

I found the baby stage incredibly hard! I think from 6 months on it started to slowly get better and by 1 year I really felt so much happier and enjoyed my little one so much more. As they get a bit older the give so much love and joy back, the toddling stage and the learning to talk- it's all incredible. You will get there! I tried for 15 months before falling pregnant so always felt I couldn't voice anything 'negative' about parenthood which added to the stress.
baby stage is absolutely relentless, but I promise one day it'll be a distant memory and the little people they become will make your heart so full and happy 💓