Need help with DD9... creative mums please help?

[holidaz]

My DD9 has been acting up so much lately.

It's basically everything, behaviour, being messy, rudeness, not listening, not eating dinner.

I accept fault here, i clearly haven't set proper boundaries.

We have spoken about it, DD & I, she wants it to get better also which is a great start but i just have no clue how.

I am thinking some sort of chart for the different problem areas, but have no idea how that would look? Also i feel it will just be the biggest chart known to man with all of the problems we have!

Also suitable for a preteen.... as the usual reward charts etc are aimed at younger kids.

Please, start putting proper boundaries in place now.

If you don't get a grip on it while she's relatively young, you will have huge problems in the future.

How cross do you get when she's acting up, or is rude to you? You need to get really, really cross. (I am a retired teacher and I can get very cross indeed with bad behaviour).

I'm elderly, in my late sixties, so my ways don't suit today's 'gentle parenting ' approach, but they worked fine with my children who are now in their forties.

Don't accept the slightest rudeness, and make sure that your daughter knows who is the adult.

Good luck.

I'd go for the buttons -in-the-jar approach.

Start the week with a few in the jar, add one/more when she does things well. Only remove any when you really have to. More than a certain number left at the end of the week results in a reward.

I think a chart relating to so many areas would be overwhelming and probably not helpful.

This is exactly what I mean by 'gentle parenting.'

I never needed to put any buttons in jars when I had a class of 25 children.

Sorry, but I don't think that approach will have any good outcomes.

Nine is too old for buttons in a jar. I might do this with much younger children that need a visual to remind them of appropriate behaviour. A nine year old doesn’t need a visual and most I know wouldn’t care about buttons and the resulting reward.

you just need to come down hard Im afraid. Every time. Ignore the wailing and crying you’ll inevitably get when you start being really firm. A proper sit down chat setting out what you expect from her and what you will not tolerate.

she doesn’t eat dinner? Too bad, she’s hungry. Doesn’t tidy up when told? Well she’s lost her screen time. She’s rude? She’s sharply told off and you disengage until she’s ready to speak to you in a civilised manner.

if I sound strict and horrible I promise you I’m not. I’ve been a nanny for a long time and 9 year old girls can be very challenging. I try to channel a benign dictatorship. I’m in charge and we can have a nice happy time but there are boundaries that need to be stuck to.

I really love this and you are so right.

The pennies in the jar sounded good but i know from experience with her that it doesn't last.

You’ve never even parented this way, so, with respect, you’ve got no idea if it works.

Also, just because you think your children are fine from abusive parenting doesn’t mean they are.

What on earth are you throwing out ‘abusive parenting’ for?! How ridiculous.

OP, it’s tough. 9 year old girls are often starting to get hormone surges too and it makes them wholly unreasonable and frankly awful to deal with at times. I’d actually rather work with overtired toddlers than a nine year old girl in the middle of kicking off 🤣

How about being a bit more strict in setting out your boundaries than you are at the moment, and if that doesn’t work you can rethink it.

I don’t think one size fits all. It will depend on the temperaments of the child and the parent/s and family circumstances and dynamics.

im sure there will be ideas for charts etc online and you choose one that feels right to you.

I'd try and look at each issue individually, if possible look for the cause and work on that first.

So, for example, with dinner. Why isn't she eating her dinner? Is she snacking too much? Is she doing it for attention? Are you over feeding her and she's just not hungry? Is it possible she has an eating disorder? Rather than demanding and punishing try and solve the problem at its root.

The same with being messy. Does she have too much stuff? Does she have a lack of storage? Does she need help making a timetable for tidying up/setting a habit of doing ten minutes before bed every night?

I would try where possible to allow her to suffer the natural consequences of her actions. So, she doesn't eat then she's hungry. She doesn't listen and then she's late for school/misses an activity/forgets something she needs. Do this where possible rather than creating punishments for her. Let her learn from her own mistakes.

In terms of punishments I would really pick your battles. Don't follow the advice above to be constantly on her case about every single thing she does wrong. It won't be long before she's a teen and you have far less say in her life. You need to get to a point where you're working things out together not a dictatorship. That works when they're little not when they're older. For me, the worst one from your list is rudeness, that's the only one I'd tackle with any kind of punishment.

This is a tough time. Here's a few things that might be helpful:
Set clear boundaries and stick to them, but don't nag. Concentrate on a few key things and keep things as positive as possible. Remember the 7:1 rule. Let a few things slide.
Model the behavior you expect to see in her. This isn't a quick win, but works best in the long term.

Sticker chart type rewards dont work, but build in something nice you can do together, home manicure, cafe visit, going for a swim, doing a jigsaw together. Use it as a time to listen to her and build your bond. Mention it throughout the week to keep things positive, but don't use it as a reward, or remove it as a punishment.

If rules are broken, make sure you stick to the consequences you set out. No more, no less. No discussion about this and don't get drawn into a row.

And don't beat yourself up if things go wrong. We're all human, and it's important your daughter sees this in you too.
Good luck!

I am an advocate of what gets dismissed by those who don't get it as 'gentle' parenting but I just consider it 'not angry' parenting. I still have high standards.

What you need to do is have a really good think about what you ware trying to achieve, what you want to tackle and what you are going to ignore (for now or forever).

So my priorities were raising kind and polite children. I tackled behaviour that was rude, but completely ignored things like them choosing to wear clothes I didn't like or other irrelevencies. I tried to give them lots of choices where I could and I explained why they needed to do XYZ.

You can't tackle everything at once and you can't be volatile yourself. Think about what you are modelling - are you a kind, polite person?

There was a period when our youngest was about nine and we did a kindness challenge - for everyone in the house. We made a really effort to notice when other people were being kind and we wrote it down on a chart on the wall. It helped to make all of us focus on being nicer versions of ourselves. So something like this might work. Worked for Tony Blair anyway with his targets - what you measure, matters and all that!

I also remember hearing about twenty years ago you should offer seven times as much praise as criticism. When my kids are really pissing me off I made a massive effort to praise and thank them. It usually helped to change the mood.

My kids are much older now and they are fine upstanding young people, so my view is you don't have to be a strict bastard to raise good kids. I feel rather sorry for strict parents as they have to work much harder and be more horrid to get no further forward than I seem to have got with my easier ways.

Err - I never mentioned gentle parenting - whatever that is.

You still have rules and boundaries which you enforce consistently. Most children respond better to praise rather than constant tellings off. Child is clear on what is expected and praised when those expectations are met.

With respect, controlling 25 kids in a classroom for 6 hours is not the same as parenting a single child full time - I would expect different approaches. Also different behaviour are expected in different environments - I would not expect a child to necessarily have to meet the same levels of behaviour expected at school as at home.

As someone in my mid forties you people slagging off gentle parenting have no idea what your kids were getting up to in their teens because they didn't think you were on their side so they didn't communicate with you. Lots of my friends are lucky to be alive quite frankly. Conversely my parents took the parenting by consent approach and I never put a foot wrong tbh.

OP pick your battles. Coming down hard is all very well but it seems like your list of undesirable behaviour is pretty long and amorphous. You need to get specific. I'd start with rudeness. I don't think it's necessary to have formal consequence rules as long as you're consistent eg 'I am not listening to you if you talk to me like that. Try again.'

At the same time try to think of some very specific things that she IS doing right (however difficult this is) and praise them to high heaven. Otherwise because that list is so long she's just going to feel like she's really shit. Making sure people's self esteem stays intact is not weakness.

Consistent boundaries. If the rules keep changing then kids get frustrated that one day they're not told off for something but another day they are.

We struggle with this as dp is much more lenient and doesn't want the conflict so is more likely to let things go. But then he gets annoyed when dd is (for example) monosyllabic and ungrateful with MiL (who is lovely and does so much for all of us).

Pick your battles would be my advice. Reward charts etc are something we did when dd was much younger. Now its screen time. Allocated evenings for screen times that can be taken away for rudeness, not helping when asked to (eg tidying room, putting dishes away etc), not getting up/getting ready when asked to etc.

But we also have to remind ourselves to praise dd for the things she does do - she's diligent about schoolwork, piano practice etc. Moans about swim club but then does well. Moans about what we cook sometimes but eats it.

And yes to hormones - dd started her periods aged 9 and that's a lot for her to go through. I have to remind myself that sometimes she doesn't know why she's being sulky, refusing to talk to us etc and we need to give her space.

Another thing we've learned is don't get sucked into thinking everyone else has delightful kids all the time. You might just be seeing them on a good day. Just as they might be seeing your child on an off day.

Some kids thrive with reward charts, others really don't. Some kids do well with a strict routine, others don't. It's complicated and messy because people are. Your daughter trusts you enough to say she wants to do better - that is huge. Cracking down and being tough might fix things, but it might also damage that trust. It might help to talk with (not at) her to figure out what she is finding hard, and then focus on one thing at a time.

So not 'Here is a reward chart - you get X , don't get X taken away if you complete everything on it' but trying to figure out together why eating dinner is hard for her and what SHE can do to fix the problem.

Because there's all sorts of possible reasons for that: eating too many snacks/hating the sound of other people eating/wanting to be vegan but worrying she'll be teased if she suggests it/thinking she's fat/just not liking the food she's offered. Until you know what the cause is you can't fix things.

My children are just fine thank you. They are responsible, self reliant adults. Both have coped admirably with severe illness of their partners.
Their own children are well rounded, well brought up and a delight to be around.

So no, there was no 'abusive parenting.' Your comment is totally ridiculous.