Feel like I failed my DD

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My DH had a friend of his over for a BBQ, they'd not seen each other in years - he came with his wife and 2 kids (boys). After a few hours the kids went to watch telly to chill, my DD is nearly 4 and their kids are nearly 5 and nearly 7. I checked on them regularly - they were essentially around the corner from us.

Next thing, my DD comes running out, not upset but said the younger of the boys was trying to pull at her pants and she didn't like it. The family left not long after that. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say at the time tbh, but now I feel sick that I basically left my daughter with the two kids we hadn't met before. My DH said "isn't that what 4yos do" and I could have killed him in that moment.

Is this normal "boy" behaviour? I feel like I completely failed to protect my child and feel utterly sick to my stomach. She says he tried to pull at her pants and wanted to know if she had a willy (!) - she says she ran to me immediately, he didn't actually pull them down because she stopped it. We won't eve seeing them again and I also don't feel I can trust my DH right now as I feel he made an excuse for it!!

Yeah this is pretty normal kid behaviour if they haven't been taught about the pants rule etc, it's not sinister or anything.

It’s not nice but it happens - don’t leave her alone again

Tbh it is the sort of thing some kids do. They obviously don't understand what it means or why it's wrong. To lots of small children a willy or a bum isn't much different to a arm or leg. It's why they're so happy naked!

Obviously, they need to be taught. Hopefully these parents will talk to their son and it's a perfect time for you to talk to your daughter about how she did exactly the right thing in coming to tell you, how she can and should always tell you if something happens that makes her uncomfortable, how she's right that what's in her pants is private and he shouldn't have asked to have a look etc.

You probably don't need to feel sick to your stomach and not trust your DH though.

• with this family - did the parents address it?

And it's not 'boy' behaviour it's child behaviour and that sort of sexism is deeply unhelpful. You're an adult who should know better, at least he's only 4.

I wouldn’t assume anything awful. Kids that age are v interested in all that stuff, and have to be taught boundaries.

Sounds like you’ve done a good job teaching your daughter to stand up for herself.

I think staying by her daughters side till she’s 18 isn’t really practical PP.

Good point, I suppose mostly my DD plays with girls and I have 2 sisters so mostly female experience, I apologise for that.

Your DD felt uncomfortable and so left
and came and told you, which is exactly what you’d want her to do. Children are curious and need to learn about other people’s privacy but there’s no need to assume anything sinister or never see those people again.

Would suggest not leaving a pair of 4yos unsupervised for long whether you know them or not.

I understand why you're upset, but it is probably nothing sinister from a kid that age. It is good that your daughter knew it was inappropriate and didn't tolerate it, but the lboy was probably doing it because it was something he knew was naughty and forbidden, not because he's a proto sex-pest or because he doesn't care about consent (because what 4yo does?). But it's still not right to point that out in front of DD (if that's what DH did).

Thanks everyone for these replies. I know it wasn't sinister at this age, I just felt I let her down by leaving her alone when I shouldn't have. I'm unbelievably proud of her for how she handled herself.

Lesson learned. I have been speaking to her about how privates are private, even from us (her parents) unless we are helping her on the loo, and will continue to do so.

*will continue to talk to her I mean

Its great your daughter came to you, but the 'privates are privates unless we're helping you on the loo' may come back to bite you.

I have been speaking to her about how privates are private, even from us (her parents) unless we are helping her on the loo, and will continue to do so.

And when you are bathing her, showering her, getting her changed for swimming?

And if anything feels strange or different so that she needs to see the doctor.

Pantasauros song on YouTube is quite good.

Yes I have said that if she's ouchy there, etc I will help her (if cream needs to be applied etc which has happened recently).

I meant (and said to her) about touching - of course we still shower/bath together and she loves to be naked so that's not an issue, but that nobody should be touching. That's right isn't it?!

How do you mean?

I think OP has addressed it. I mean if she needs help because shes sore etc.