Coparenting a newborn

[banana49]

Hello,

I’m looking for advice or success stories on how to co-parent a newborn.

I am in a situation involving a young baby, with involvement from both parents who are separated (relationship on the rocks for ages before the baby situation arised) but trying to make coparenting work for our child. We are struggling with having to see each other despite being separated, establishing the right boundaries for ourselves despite having a child. Does anyone have any success stories here, any tips to make it work?
Our child lives with mum obviously with dad having contact most days and is around overnight regularly too. We therefore see each other a lot, more than we would if purely separated and it seems to feel sometimes like rubbing salt into a wound. It also triggers conflict, which we had a lot of and was a main cause of separation. But this seems best for the baby, so involvement is shared.

Had anyone managed to get a situation like this to work for everyone?

I prefer to not specify my role as mum or dad here, looking for tips from both.

Thanks!

I'd say that at this stage, the priority is on the mum and newborn managing well together. Dad should be popping in for a couple of hours so mum can have a shower, or a nap. He can offer to put a load of washing on, or make a meal.

She has been through the mill physically and emotionally, and will have the biggest responsibility for the baby for a while yet.

His role should be to get to know his baby and to support the mum. That's what's best for all three.

He certainly shouldn't be hanging around longer than he's wanted, or picking arguments.

That does make a lot of sense! I think it’s hard in the current situation for the dad to know how long to be around for, and feels torn about leaving his baby. Maybe he should be around less with clearer boundaries.

How do you handle things like holidays? Do coparents go on holiday together?

Baby stays with mum full time this soon after birth and dad does frequent short visits (daily). The dad could come and do every bathtime - mum stepping away and taking time for herself for example.

If not bf, then short walks while mum stays home. That sort of thing.

How do you handle things like holidays? Do coparents go on holiday together?

Do parents of newborns go on holiday even when together? Rarely.

Are you talking more long term? If so, don't even think about that for now.

That's for much later! Get the initial weeks and months over first, before worrying about holidays.

The thing is, the dad will feel like he adores the baby and doesn't want to be away from him/her.

Unfortunately the reality is that the baby is basically satisfied with mum until they are much bigger. Dad's role is effectively to help mum stay alive and happy until the baby starts to understand other people are important too!

If mum takes baby on holiday for a week, baby won't miss dad. Baby also won't forget dad!

So a good dad will offer lots of support and help, but know that right at this moment the baby isn't dependent on him. His opportunity to matter to the baby comes later. Dads are hugely important as children get a bit bigger.

It's still important for dad to bond with the baby though, and get really comfortable and capable! That's an excellent foundation for later.

It's nice if the dad gets to be good at some stuff, and great if you can get a routine together. My husband always bathed the baby. He knew the bathing routine better than me. He was the expert on that bit, I didn't need to get involved. Gave me an hour off too!

I see - really good to have such feedback.

Short but “productive” visits seem to be being described here as a good approach and maybe this should be the way forward.

We do not get on anymore, but we are struggling with finding the right balance with the separation and the baby and maybe shorter more structured visits so that Mum gets some space and Dad gets time with the baby would help. It’s been a bit all over the place recently in terms of “schedule” leaving everyone feeling a bit lost!

Regarding holidays, Mum wants to take baby away for a few days and Dad want to come but that does seem to be blurring boundaries a lot. Good to know the baby won’t forget Dad, that puts things into better perspective!

Well Dad, you back off for a start. Who is thinking about co parenting during a holiday? There will be plenty of time for you to holiday with your child in the future. Don't put any pressure on Mum, you don't need to be there overnight arguing with her.

As a pp said- Dad’s job is to keep mum and newborn baby alive. He should be nipping in to be helpful: bringing food, arranging shopping, helping mum attend appointments and seek medical care if needed. Maybe some scheduled dad time- like a bath time or a bottle feed if mum chooses to express or formula feed.

But baby’s most important relationship is with mum at this stage, and separated dad should be facilitating this relationship and making mum’s life easier. Unfortunately animosity can get in the way as quite often they don’t want to make their ex’s life easier, no matter how respectful the break up was.

dad should not fight to have baby 1:1 right now. He’s in a supporting role for now, even if he is not with mum.

Mum and dad going on holiday together (and the current overnights) isn't really appropriate imo especially as you no longer get on.

It is totally normal for this to feel hard, overwhelming and a bit chaotic. That's newborns for you- don't take it personally!

A routine will be good for everybody, as long as the adults can be a bit flexible as things don't always go according to plan!

Most important thing is to be as kind as you can. Assume the other person isn't being deliberately annoying. The situation is intrinsically tricky!

Just out of interest, what age would people see as the right time for dad to have more/equal parenting involvement?

Google the fourth trimester. Very important for the baby to be with it's mother those first few months

Dad mustn't expect the sort of structured visits you're talking about to go without a hitch. Just because the parents agree timings, or it suits for other reasons for Dad to pop in at a particular time, doesn't mean the baby will cooperate. They may sleep through the whole hour or want to breastfeed through the whole hour and nothing should be done to try to deter them from that. But Dad might feel his visit wasn't "productive". Tough luck.

Being too pushy now will only make Mum feel under siege when life is already hugely tough. Be the person she can rely upon, call when there's a problem, and that will encourage the most natural relationship of love and support with the baby too.