I posted this in mental health and got no replies so I'll try here.
This is long time try to avoid drip feeding.
I am a recently separated (6months) mum, to 2 beautiful young DC.
Background: I suffered horrific prenatal and postnatal depression and anxiety. I denied this at first and would lie to HV at listening visits and then they do that questionnaire as I was convinced they'd take my children if I told the truth.
I was eventually given sertraline which nearly killed me. They kept upping the dose as it wasn't working until when it got to 5pm and EXP walked through the door all I could do was lay on the floor as I felt like my head weighed a tonne. After which if stay up all night sitting on the floor of DC room as I felt like if I wasn't watching them then something terrible would happen. If eventually pass out not long before they woke up and wake up on a hard floor exhausted to start another day. After a rather horrible 24 hrs where I actually begged him to phone and have me carted off I was put through a healthy minds assessment and diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety and depression.
I was then weaned off of sertraline and onto Fluexatine.
I stayed on this for the next couple of years and stayed reasonably stable however was making me 'numb' and killing off my relationship whilst I was still very anxious and worried 'the world was against me' but maybe not as much,
I felt stable enough for a long enough time to come off of medication 18 months ago.
ExP and I had drifted apart with him saying that since DC's I've had no interest or time for him and me feeling numb towards him and resentful of the times he's not supported me. I tried CBT and was a failure.
6 months ago I found he was having an affair and we ended our relationship. I have DC's full time - he was in an EOW routine until he started a new job where he works most weekends but also works lates. We are on good terms and he visits regularly and will come mornings and get them rest for school and take them or if his day off he will pick them up and take them home to mine and make their tea.
He will do jobs around the house etc (he was always incredibly lazy with helping)
His parenting style is very different to mine. He's much more would up by the DC's difficult behaviour than me and it cause disagreements.
Before split ExP family were very hands on and helpful (but suffocatingly involved and overbearing) I did not realise how much until now. After the split they have nothing to do with me at all and my own parents live far away and are barely involved grandparents (time up at birthday and Xmas for an hour with gifts and so some FaceTimes but not much else) I have no help apart from ExP and any friends I have (which are not many as I moved here with ExP) have hoards of their own children same age and busy lives.
I work school hours so I drop them off and go straight to work and finish work and pick them up, I live in a bungalow so mess seems to just spread and with 2 young DC it seems constant. We have no use of garden due to being communal and nightmare neighbours.
The mess gets me down but I'm exhausted as I'm still a terrible sleeper. Even though DC's have been asleep for hours here I am at 1.15 in the morning. I can't sleep until I pass out. I'm constantly exhausted and constantly snappier than I should be and struggle with getting everything (or sometimes anything) done. My days seem like whirlwind of being woken and being shattered - chaotic mornings - rushing to work- rushing home - snack, housework, homework, dinner, bath, bed. Then no matter how many nights I get into bed early I just cannot sleep. This was the same even on medication.
I want to be the best parent I can but I'm not because I'm always exhausted. I know some people will say 'just go to bed it isn't hard' but for me it is. For me 5 hours is a 'good night'.
I want to be more productive, more available and less ratty. I've had sleeping pills which I can't take when I have children here as they knock me for 6 but I only get sporadic small (6 tablet) prescriptions about once a year and usually only if I've had to see the mental health team as I've reached a low.
I take the DC's out as much as possible as it's not fair on them being cooped up in here and we can't use a garden. Then at end of weekend house is still as messy and i feel useless and low.
How do I fix this, and myself, please? I can't carry on like this.