Oppositional 4yo who doesn’t sleep

[StrugglingtoCope2022]

i am at my wits with my very nearly 4yo, for the past 15 months they have not slept through for more 2 1 week stretches - one in Dec and one in May, and have been additionally either terrible to settle at night (won’t wind down then up and down and up and down) or rising early 4:30/5:30 for weeks and weeks between March and May, averaging around 6:30 now. Since Dec we got to sleeping through on average 2 nights a week with only one/two wake ups on the other 5. But with the early rising didn’t feel so much better. Now for the past 8 days we’re back to at least 2 sometimes 4 times a night. I cannot do it and for the past 3 nights I’ve not been able to get back to sleep after him waking at 4:30AM Bedtimes are a joke with him not settling until 10pm nearly at the moment.

I am on my knees after having covid a few week ago and am starting to feel not right mentally (to be honest I haven’t since last year) when I get very anxious I get this feeling like bugs are crawling all over me and I search and scratch, this is happening at the moment and I have made my scalp so sore scratching.

Add to this all the oppositional behaviour, won’t eat, won’t drink, won’t go to the toilet (regularly still has both poo and wee accidents often several times a day), won’t have his teeth brushed, face washed, constantly getting frustrated when playing and throwing horrible tantrums. I mean part of me thinks is he probably hungry but apart from crisps and cake off bit of fruit/veg he won’t eat anything/only very little (but nothing properly filling) under his own steam if at all. Took us 4 hours to leave the house yesterday, like having a newborn.

He has no SEN issues, quite the opposite and pre-school have told us he is very bright. He is Not like this at pre school.

This would be awful anyway but under no sleep it is sending me under. Yesterday I lost it with him - not physically but I did scare myself and now feel terrible. But I know it was the lack of sleep.

I forget things, I drop things, am clumsy , loose things look horrific (eyebrow and eyelash hair has fallen out in clumps) and DH is getting more frustrated as he is able to go back to sleep.

We have tried everything (total blackout, groclock, hatch sleep trainer, white noise, different beds/bedding, nice bedtime routine (well we try he won’t allow us to do properly). Rewards/bribery, trying to talk through feelings and fears. Rapid return. We also do all of these together. So no lt teying adhoc things. Also we’re on Scotland and haven’t got the heat like down south so it’s fine for sleeping temp wise that hasn’t exasperated anything. This time last year it was actual night terrors/dreams waking him you could hear but there is none of that now, he just wants in with us or one of us in with him. DH is going in with him on the second time but the problem is I’m now struggling to get back to sleep.

Can I ask if you've tried co-sleeping? My DD didn't reliably sleep through until she was about 5 years old, so she was in with me most nights as she settled back much better and quicker and I was able to go back to sleep quicker too as I wasn't having to get up. She started sleeping through much more by starting school and cracked it by 5 and is in her own room now.
My DH often slept away when she was in so we were all more comfortable, not ideal but not forever. When her sleep was awful (ie until about 3) we did sleep in shifts too, so I would take first part of the night until about 3/4am and then he would take her from then so I was guaranteed at least 4 hours straight which was the minimum I needed to function in work etc.

We are just coming out of the other side of this with my 3yo. From Sept- April ish everything fell apart. Teeth, dressed, eating, sleeping, behaving. Everything just awful. It was the hardest time of my life. Also no SEN and I’m a special needs teacher and fairly sure it wasn’t any parenting fail. I think for us it was the arrival of his little sister in January. I didn’t see the strength of his reaction coming. Like you I had tried every single possible approach and sometimes something made a tiny bit of difference for a while but basically life was awful. But, it passed. He can still have his tricky moments, but basically family life isn’t something we both dread so much anymore. So, I would say:

1. it will probably pass soon


2. consider if there are any possible triggers, even if they seem minor for you.


3. consider reaching out to the health visitor. I did and was due to start a parenting course, but by the time it came things had improved and I decided not to. But felt better to acknowledge we needed help.


4. do what you can to protect your relationship with your husband. Ours is really bruised by it all but roughly speaking intact and when we are in a good place together it feels a lot more possible to get through the difficulties with our son.

good luck, x

If your husband is able to go back to sleep then I think what you need is two nights in a hotel. It's so important that you get some sleep. If he goes back to sleep then he can't argue with this. Your physical and mental health is badly affected now and you need to take care of yourself. I don't think you even need to go to a friend's house to sleep, it sounds as though you need some time on your own with absolutely no interruptions.

I would just abandon everything you've tried and sleep in the same room as DC. You can keep pushing that boulder up the hill and complaining it doesn't work or accept you have a child who doesn't sleep and roll with it.

Either you set up a spare bed in his room or have his bed in yours.

You know he won't sleep until 10pm. Let him sit up until about 9pm. Then have a chilled out relax before bedtime and everyone goes to bed together.

You said there is no SEN but as a parent to a SEN child, there is plenty of traits there you've posted TBH. I'd push for second opinion.

My DS struggles to fall asleep. He gets anxious about the house being quiet etc. We need to keep loads of lights on for him and white noise helps him too. It's not easy and sometimes I wish my kids were easier. But I've eventually reached a point where I've accepted I have to learn to parent the kids I have.

Why do you think no SEN issues? Just because they are bright doesn't mean no SEN. Behaving differently at nursery doesn't also mean no SEN. I have 2 kids who do/have done all that you describe. They are of above average intelligence and 1 is incredibly chatty and social. Both later diagnosed with various SEN. Not saying it is SEN but what you are describing sounds outside the average and there's nothing that screams definitely no SEN in your post. At 4 I wouldn't have guessed what they'd later be diagnosed with. I have experience with restless legs, ADHD and sensory processing difficulties- all of which can cause issues getting to sleep/staying asleep.
Regardless of cause if nothing works you just have to remember things do change over time and you can get through this period.

I also think it might be useful for you to research sleep in SEN children. Even if your child doesn't have SEN you might find some of the techniques helpful. This is how I've been with my DC. Even before he was assessed, we adopted some techniques recommended for ASD children.

You poor thing, you are ill due to sleep deprivation right now. Urgently- get yourself a room booked at a hotel (and some earplugs and a sleep mask maybe) and get yourself a decent nights sleep, ideally 2.

Your DH should support this this weekend. You are in an emergency situation for YOUR well-being and you can't make progress with DC until you are a bit better yourself.

I really feel for you. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason! It's hell!

When nights were bad with our DC for long stretches, DH and I ended up taking alternate nights. If it was my night "off" I'd be in the spare room with the door shut, earplugs in and getting a guaranteed decent sleep. Then DH would do it the next night. We got through the bad months like that.

Take care of yourself xxx

I agree that you may want to investigate SEN a little further but that is not the immediate issue. You are sleep deprived and showing both physical and mental implications of that.

Do you work? Can you call in for an emergency day off or sick and get a few hours while DS is at nursery? You need some sleep before you can do anything to support DS.

The hotel idea is good if you can afford it. If not, do you have a friend or family member you can stay with for a night?

Has DS ever slept in with you? I know co-sleeping is frowned upon by some by I think you just need to do whatever it takes to get everyone in the house as much sleep as possible. Do you think your DS will sleep more soundly or resettle more quickly in bed with you or DH? My youngest DD is 7 now and we still share most nights. She wakes often but if she sees I'm there, goes right back to sleep without waking me. If she wakes in her own bed, by the time she has got up and found me, she is wide awake and struggles to get back to sleep.