Any expat parents? How do I ever visit friends again?!

[pepperjam]

I'm from the east coast of America, most of my friends and family are still there, and even though I've been here 4 years I am still very homesick a lot of the time. I have friends here, but it's not the same as with people I've known for such a long time.

When I first moved to UK I would visit often (this was pre-COVID and pre baby), be able to see loads of people at once, etc, which was great and helped me feel like I could keep my friendships going strong. But now I feel like everyone is fed up with me because they keep asking when I'm coming back and I don't have answer, I can't fathom how to do this with an 8 MO?? Am I being daft to ask how people handle this??

First there is a 5 hour time difference, so DD normal bedtime would be about 2 in the afternoon! Even if we tackle that, she still would be in bed around 7pm, and most of my friends wouldn't even be available to meet after work until around 6pm. I can't exactly ask them to come sit in a dark hotel room while DD is sleeping! Yes, there is the weekend, but it seems such a long way to travel for just a day or so and unfair to DD. Friends are also much more spread out than they used to be, so it would be difficult to see many people in one go especially with above constraints.

Do people just arrange for grandparents to meet them and handle the childcare? DH seems comfortable with this, but DD has only met them a handful of times -- is it unfair to just leave her with them with no warning? This gives me major anxiety. Guess that's another question for people whose parents live far away, would you be comfortable with them doing babysitting if there's not a consistent relationship? (It's not that I don't trust their ability to babysit, more that they aren't familiar with her different moods, needs, and most importantly she is a baby and doesn't remember who they are and I don't want her to feel abandoned!)

How do other expats handle this? And even if you're not an expat, WWYD? How do I ever get to spend time with my friends again?

Crickets... anyone?

Why can't your DH stay at home with your DD and you go for a week by yourself?

@JustLikeJasper mainly due to breastfeeding, I wouldn't fancy pumping for so long to try and maintain supply. But I guess she'll be a year old soon and then that could work

I’d def wait until your dp can look after her.

babies get a lot less clingy once bf is over.

You go and you adapt. I lived overseas for 10 years - a 12 hour flight away with a 1 and 3 year old to start with. We returned annually, saw friends and family, dealt with jet lag and dropped all semblance of routine for the duration so we could see people. It wasn't easy but you have to live your life and if travel is part of that then your child will be fine. Don't miss out on relationships because of a routine, that's not necessary. Also dc won't be small forever and the more you travel when they are young, the better they will get at it - it's an adventure. You are in the throes of the baby phase but that won't last forever so I'd say just go and see people that you want to see. When you don't do that, those friendships/family relationships will drift off.

You can all go but DH stays in the hotel room with DD with some pumped milk or whatever is best at that point depending on her age while you go out and see your friends.
It'll get easier when your DD is a bit older and can stay with grandparents/stay up later.

I travelled all over the place with my DCs when they were babies - to multiple long haul time zones. I had no choice owing to our life set up. They were amazing about adjusting to the time difference. I just took them around with me, kept them up longer in the evenings or let them sleep in their pushchair etc.

My advice would be just to go, enjoy yourself and deal with it. Don't be too regimented about routines - they get back into them soon enough.

The biggest piece of advice about travelling with babies - ditch the routine. I was a routine slave with DTs and fuck we wasted hours of holidays / family visits to US trying to keep them to routine. It was a huge mindshift for me to make but once I gave up it was fine.

Thanks everyone... I guess I should let go of the anxiety a bit and just see what happens if we do go. Just have fears of over tired meltdowns ruining any semblance of quality catch-ups with people.

What age do you think DD will be old enough to know/love grandparents even if she only sees them a few times a year?

Mine were both fine with my parents from about 3 years old, seeing them more rarely than that - video calls help.

Have lived abroad for 10+ years, at the beginning with young children but not babies/toddlers. In your position I would try and rent an Airbnb or somewhere that gives you more than just a hotel room and get people to come to you. You'll soon find out how strong those friendships really are - if you travel half way across the world and others won't go the last few miles you know where you stand. Routine is great for children but they also need to be adaptable so you don't have to stick exactly to your normal routines if winging it for a bit makes more sense.

When I went home with a 3 month old I expected people to come to me.

Then it became long drives with a baby. I rarely left her with my Dad and only once she was 6 or so.

Luckily DD is good friends with daughters of my friends. In fact on Tuesday my friend was at work and our daughters spent time together till we could all meet up.

To be brutally honest I rarely go back. I'm from the west coast and I've not been back for 6 years now. No desire to get on a 11 hour plane ride with small children.

But I was already happy living in the UK before I met my husband and had kids. I'm never homesick because the UK is home. The thing that stood out to me was that you're still homesick. Did you move here for your husband or a job? Is there a chance you could move back?

@Mythril yes the long plane ride is a headache I just don't want to deal with unless we're going back for a long period of time which is rare because of work, dog, etc.

I met my husband abroad, he lived with me in states and then we both decided to move here after we got married.

I used to think we would go back, especially because of better support system there if we did have children, but with arrival of DD I don't think I can justify it given all that's going on there... how could I subject her to a "gun drill" in school? Let alone the fact she would have less rights over her body than I did growing up.

I'm not an expat so no advice on that situation, but I have travelled with young dcs and I haven't found the jet lag/time difference to be an issue. I think it's because the day you travel you may get up early or leave late, then they sleep extra or don't maybe don't sleep at all on the plane, so when they get there they are all turned around anyway and exhausted from the day of travel. Put them to bed that night, they seem to wake up in the morning already adjusted. Plus obviously taking their cues from the daylight. Same on the way back. So don't worry too much in advance about that.

I'm not British but DC were born here to British dad.

I started taking them to my home country when they were babies (under a year) annually so I could maintain relationships with family and friends. I travelled on my own with DC.

Both DC now as older teens feel both culturally British and my culture, are confident travellers.

Yes a couple of flights when they were really young were difficult but they don't last forever.

I stayed with my parents so DC were very familiar with them when I needed to catch up with friends on my own.

Get the baby used to travelling. Flying long distances regularly is a reality, and often a necessity, for most international families. Forget about routines and just get her to tag along with whatever you’re doing. Meeting someone at 8pm for dinner? She comes in the buggy and sleeps there if tired.

That said, I have many ‘friends’ in my home country, and in various other places I lived in. I don’t often go to visit people who would be too busy to meet me because of other commitments (which they’re more than entitled to have and prioritise!) so my pool of friends I see regularly now consists of about 3 families I actually stay with during my stay, or most of it. I’ve also booked hotels when they couldn’t host me, but most of the time it’s a mutually arranged visit with the purpose of spending time together - and we open each other’s homes to the other family regularly because we want to spend quality time together.

I definitely wouldn’t travel half way across the world in the hope that someone might have a free evening, or to attend 2-3 dinners and have one night out. How far away are these people from your parents? Can you stay at theirs and just meet some people as and when they’re available, without feeling like the trip is wasted when many of them aren’t free?

I'm from the Midwest and live in the Uk. I have two little kids. I took my son on my own for the first time at 3 months and go twice a year. We just go with the flow and adapt. They get used to grandparents soon. We FaceTime everyday and that helps massively!!

Jet leg is a bitch, but your little one will be wanting to go to bed about supper time the first few days and then you can get off out!

I think that the family and social relationships are miles more important than your DD's routine so I wouldn't think twice about that.
As far as knowing her family , my SSis sees her in laws in another continent most years for a long holiday. It is really good 'quality'time and her DC have close loving relationships with their family.

I was in this situation

whilst breastfeeding I only went to stay with my parents, and saw people who were willing to travel there

with tots, I’d farm them out to grandparents for a day, and go and see my best friends for a bit, even if just a coffee

then when they get older sit gets easier

yes I lost some friends, but still have about 8 friends in my home country now, who I see maybe once a year (less with pandemic) and I’ve been away for 20 years now

it can be done

tge baby stage is mad, but it passes

I would definitely still go. Arrange to see your friends in the evening and take DD with you. I used to try and stick to 7pm bedtime and just take pyjamas and bedtime book etc out with me. Tip the pram back, say goodnight to DD and enjoy the evening with your friends. Pick the venues with this in mind - pram friendly bars or restaurants or friends' houses. And if bedtime doesn't quite work as you expect, don't worry, just try and go with the flow. Download a few Night Gardens onto your phone! This is your time with your friends and you deserve it.

I feel your pain. I'm from Seattle and I live in Sussex. We just took my then 9 month old baby to see family in May and June. It was really hard but also very worth it. My advice is:

• buy the baby a seat on the plane
• stay in a hotel near airport if you don't live nearby to reduce amount of travel on one day
• be flexible about time zones, baby will adjust after 2-3 days if you get her out in daylight
• let the baby get to know family, after a few days she'll get comfy and they'll be a big help
• don't go for less than 2 weeks due to time change. 3 or more is best
• don't plan anything including work for 2-3 days after getting back- return jetlag is worse.

It's not too bad, you will do great and once you've gone it will be easier to go back. Good luck!