How did you know you wanted a second child?

[mrsg2019]

Hello - I have one DS (15 months) and while I've always thought I'd have two children, I've found myself really content at one. Dh originally didn't want kids and since DS was born, has done a 180 and now thinks we should have another.

I was just wondering how you 'knew' and what your reasons were?

I just loved our first so much- absolutely obsessed- and couldn't stop thinking about another right from the newborn days. The idea there's another potential child you could love that much and be so fascinated by, another roll of the genetic dice, nothing more appealing...... It seems so odd to me that not everyone feels like this.

I crave a third very badly but haven't managed that because of being mid 40s. I'll always feel a gap where one more should be. It consumes too much thought but I do feel very grateful for our two. I think I would probably have wanted a fourth if we'd had a third, but practicalities and finances mean three is probably an easier place to stop.

I wonder if you should have another if you're not feeling anything I described...you sound happy as you are. But I had my children in my 40s and so my perspective might be affected by that.

Ive been back at work 3 days a week and from home which makes things easier. I’ve kept everything which obviously means I’ve not decided it’s a no 😂

Did you decide yet?

Always known I wanted at least two. I'm one of five, and while we're not the closest family in the world, I've always loved having siblings. Ideally I wanted 3.

As for when I knew I was ready to try for a second? I had a pretty bad case of baby rabies. Getting pregnant, and broodiness over new babies was all I could think about. I wanted an absolute minimum of 2 and a half years, preferably closer to 3. I have PCOS, and was expecting TTC would take a while (as it did with DC1), so was going to start trying when DC1 was 22 months. The baby rabies hit hard at 17 months.... I threw all caution and reason out the window and went for it. Luckily my body co-operated after exactly 5 months, and DC2 was born 8 months later, giving me that minimum of 2 and a half year gap.

18 months on, and there's no broodiness for a DC3 yet. But then DC2 has been more difficult than DC1. DH also insists he's done at 2. I'm going to give it another year or two to see what happens. If nothing, well then I guess I'm done.

Wanted 3 years before even starting ttc, my dad died young (I wa 19), only child. Devestated my nan. Knew I could never have just one.

@RubaiyatOfAnyone I think that's the same with us! As our first child headed out of babyhood, it felt like we were just biding time until having our second child. Not a negative, just a background feeling. I found myself holding off doing silly little things like buying matching Christmas stockings because I knew our family wasn't complete.

I never really understood what people meant by not feeling complete but after reading your comment it's suddenly hit me that's exactly how it felt. Like our life was almost frozen in time because we needed to have a second child to become the family we were supposed to be. We were considering a third but actually neither of us have that same feeling, which is probably the push we need to stick with two kids. We have the matching Christmas stockings now anyway 😅

We never discussed having a second before our first. It was just all about her for a long time. And then when she was about 2 I remember just getting this real ache for another baby- I couldn’t bear the idea that that might have been my only experience of pregnancy, of babies, of toddlers etc So it sort of crept up on me but I remember being really terrified that DP wouldn’t agree. Happily, eventually, he did!

This is the thing, I love him so much and think he’s the best child in the whole world, we’re lucky, I'm not thinking I NEED another one I’m thinking he’s incredible how do I make sure he has the best life we can possibly give him, does that mean we stay with one and give him all of our time, energy, money etc or do we have another one who I know we will love just as much etc and will give him the experience of growing up with a sibling …

Hi @Loulouloulouloulou What did you decide? reading your posts is like reading my own thoughts...
Deep down i know im done with one but DH isnt and until we mutually agree, it gives me the space to find myself wondering if im making the right choice....

@whyyy321 I hear you..

Always intended to have two, as I wanted my child to have a sibling.

@carmexmum - now 16m and I still feel the same sense of "how??" when I think of people managing a second (or more??). He's wonderful, but I am tired and anxious so much of the time. I don't think that would improve with a second, and it doesn't seem a way to live. The help we have is amazing and means we get a date once a week! I can't see that happening with multiple children. Time does fly and I know it won't be forever this intense phase, but I am sad that I am still finding it overwhelming and am anxious about so many things. My mum died at 60 and I worry if I have another I won't get to "come out the other side" and enjoy two grown up children and retirement. So my head says stay with 1, better for your mental health. My heart says but you love having a sibling, how unfair on your child. It's so complex. I am getting to the stage where people in NCT etc will be getting pregnant and I am dreading it. I will caveat with I am working a particularly stressful job at the moment and that will end in about 9months, so maybe then I will feel calmer as I will have less external stressors?

I’m pregnant with my second and still unsure!
in the end, we looked at the long term picture and thought having a sibling for our child might be something they value as they grow through all their life stages. I know that’s not necessarily a reason to do it, but we have!

I always wanted more than one - I grew up youngest of 3 and would have had a third in an ideal world (ie, one in which we had loads of money) but couldn't face more years of childcare costs and needing a bigger house and car.

@whyyy321 I hear everything you say and I'm sorry to hear that you lost your mum.

I think things are a lot different now to how they used to be. We as mothers work more for a start and also enjoy the independence we've been so used to before children - the load is a lot bigger/heavier!

Everyone's circumstances are different as well (money, childcare, work etc) so we need to make sure we don't compare our load/stress/anxiety with anyone else's and decide we are being feeble or not trying hard enough if the idea of an additional child seems overwhelming. Easier said than done, I know!

I'm in the exact head space you are re: sibling as I too have a great relationship with my sibling and feel dreadfully guilty for DS that I might deprive him of that - but there is no guarantee that siblings will get on!

I've done a lot of reading online from "only" children and a lot of them are very happy/wouldn't change it, in fact most of them are but I also appreciate these articles can be biased.

I also think that we should trust our gut more. My desire to have children was all consuming before DS (20mo) was born, I simply don't have that for a second child even though I always dreamed of having two. I am so happy with just DS, he completes me (maybe that's selfish and short sighted?) but I feel like I am and will be a much better mother to him without chronic anxiety and giving him the love and opportunities that I am currently able to?
Also, when I feel very overwhelmed and stressed I imagine that moment but with another child, HELL! haha.

Single child families are becoming more and more common and I think the societal pressures of having more than one are so huge, so much negative langue and assumptions around having only children, the word "only" for a start. A lot of the myths etc are debunked now too.

I have genuinely thought about this every day since DS turned one, its so annoying but im going to continue trying to take each day as it comes, keep reading, keep talking with DH about what 2 kids might look like in various circumstances (house, money, childcare, car, holidays, extra curricular, time together, stress, work, anxiety etc etc) and keep chatting about the why's too and just trust that the answer will come. GOOD LUCK to you too and try not to worry :( x