Why is it still so hard??

[ColourMeExhausted]

Mum of two DC aged 4 and 7. Me and DH are early 40s. For context, both work (DH full time, me four days a week). No childcare nearby, just nursery and school wraparound. Parents help when they can but they live a few hours away.

I thought by now, parenting would be easier. OK so not easy...but less of an exhausting challenge. The posts I read about people not coping with two children is because they're dealing with a toddler and a newborn. We got through that...and you know, as knackering as it was, I still feel in some ways it was an easier time.

Life is just bloody relentless. DD7 isn't really the issue, she has her moments but she's a loving little girl, and I definitely agree 7 is a lovely age. But DS4 is...challenging. I absolutely adore him, and when he's happy, there's no one more charming. But when he loses his temper or refuses to do something which is a LOT of the time, we really struggle. He's aggressive and hits very hard, especially as he gets bigger. He aggravates his sister, she winds him up and someone (usually her) always gets hurt. I feel DH and I are constantly fire fighting, from the minute we are woken up to the usually difficult bedtime.

I have just returned from a weekend staying with my parents with just DD. My stress levels were halved, life was that much easier. Came back and wham, the usual chaos.

Naturally it's having an impact on me and DH, we bicker a lot and take it out on each other.

I see other families of 4 or more going away on foreign holidays, doing camping trips...all the things that I feel too exhausted to even plan. We had a week visiting family and that was hard enough! How do people do it?!

Doesn't help that I have high standards for the house, try and keep fit and also fit lots of playdates in. Guess something has to give.

Wondering if it's my age (we are older parents I guess) maybe perimenopause kicking in? I just feel so shit that I am finding it this hard. It would be good to hear from others in similar situations - surely it can't just be us??

As you've highlighted, the main issue seems to be your DS. Is he violent everywhere or just at home? Do you think it's just bad behaviour, or is there some SEN at play?

Thanks for your reply. We have wondered about that, and have been working with the nursery to address it. They aren't concerned and believe it is standard 4 year old behaviour and school will help (he starts this year). There are no other concerns, he is on target with his milestones. He can often be so loving and kind, and we are helping him to understand the implications of his actions. He does know hitting isn't nice and says it's because he gets so angry and can't control it. So working on strategies to help him cope.

We will see how it plays out, but I think a lot of it really is just standard 4 year old behaviour from what I hear, some kids are perhaps a little more 'intense' than others! I just feel I have come to the end of my tether, but the summer holidays aren't helping.

Sounds like you know what the problem is. Can you identify any patterns with your DS behaviour? Can you predict any of it and take any steps to avoid his tantrums?

My 9YO DS is autistic and we have got to the stage now with his behaviour that we can generally tell how he will react to something. So we try to plan what we do and how we deal with things to make that easier for him to deal with.

Somethings to remember are that your DC are different and what works for one doesn't always for the other. My 7YO DS responds to a different style of parenting than 9YO.

You mentioned they wind each other up. Can you separate them? This might mean one parent with one child etc which isn't always easy if you want to do stuff in the evenings.

If it makes you feel better, I didn't really think it got totally easier until my youngest was 5YO. But then that's when Covid hit as well so part of that made it easier!