Feeling so down about maternity leave ending

[TheSmallestOneWasMadeline]

I need someone to give my head a massive wobble I think.

I have an amazing 11 month old daughter and have just returned to work. Currently my DH is on annual leave (he took 5 weeks) so she is with him. However when he goes back to work she will be starting nursery and also be with my mum some of the time. I will be going down to 4 days a week.

I thought I'd be fine but I'm just not. She seems so tiny still and I suddenly cant bear the thought of her not being with one of us the majority of the time. I am starting to worry she will forget about me and our bond will suffer. I read a post on here a few weeks back basically saying that young kids thrive best having one stable primary caregiver until they are 3 and I cant stop thinking about it and feeling guilty that I cant be a SAHM and provide that for her. (We cant afford that).

Please can I ask for positive stories of your children having a mix of grandparent care/nursery during the week? Or have I made a massive mistake? 😔

No advice but sympathy. I go back to work in October and I feel the same. Hopefully if we get out flexible working requests approved I'll be off with him 2 days, my partner one day and he'll be with my mum the other 2. However I just wish I could stay home with him for those early years...

Parenthood is always one long compromise.
Nothing is ever 100% right for every child and even for that particular child, needs can change from day to day.

If you can't afford not to work, you've managed to negotiate a 4 day week AND you have your mum on hand if your child is unwell or needs to come home early a couple of days a week - that's great.

Hi, yes! My dd was 11 months when I went back to work - she was in nursery from 8.30 to 2.30pm, 5 days a week. One afternoon MIL collected her so I could use the time to do housework.

My dd absolutely flourished. Her nursery had a lovely set-up and her key worker was stable in each room, which I think helped. When she first started dd wasn’t crawling (she was one of those kids who insisted on going straight to walking), and I remember watching her at settling in, she was crying because she was plonked in the middle of the room and couldn’t drag her chubby little self over to the toys. Within a few weeks - she was settling really well. She thrived amongst the other children; made friends, spoke early. She caught EVERY virus going, and the first two years were plagued with chickenpox, scarletina etc and one year she seemed to have a permanent cold/cough. It was rough going.

undeniably it is hard at first, and they miss you and you miss them. I tortured myself with guilt, and read all sorts of articles (one even “proved” it was statistically more likely your child would become a sociopath if you put them in full time nursery!)

But I personally think our bond ended up stronger than if I had stayed home, because - for me anyway - that time away from her let me refresh in adult company, earn money so I was more solvent, and I was a better mother when I was back in her company because I’d had that time away and because wasn’t as impoverished like I would have been as a sahm.

and my dd, who is now 12, is confident, has fantastic self-esteem, is gregarious and independent and seeks out new experiences.

it is a shame not to stay home in some ways, but the alternative can be a success. Good luck!

I was you!

My DS is 13 months and doing nursery/Granny mix. He started at nursery a month ago (three full days) and honestly he loves it! I was so worried, like you, that we were going from being together every day to him being away from me for long periods and the whole 'one main carer until their three' thing, but he's really thriving. He grabs his nursery bag in the morning and takes it to the front door! 😂 If you have a good nursery your daughter will have so much fun and find a new independence that's so lovely to see. It's funny seeing what they learn off the other kids! DS started pretending everything was a phone and saying 'Uh-oh' when he dropped things. 😂

I think what really helped me get use to the idea of DS going to nursery was that he started walking before he went. I found seeing him toddling around made him feel like less of a baby. Seeing photos of him toddling around with the other kids is great. I strongly feel now that starting when he did and doing the nursery/Granny mix is the best thing for him, for his development. I think we would have been holding him back looking after him at home for longer.

My advice with starting nursery is to do it gradually as much as you can. The week before DS officially started we did an hour with me there one day, then three hours by himself another day. Then the next week (first official week) he did half days (so, I picked him up at 2pm). When we felt he was getting use to that I would pick him up at 4pm, then when we felt he was ready it was full days (6pm finish). From his first official week to doing full days was maybe... four weeks?

Your daughter won't forget about you. You're her Mum! It's lovely when they are so excited to see you and babble about their day to you. You've not made a mistake at all! Give it time for you all to adjust and try to just... feel it out? I mean, see how it goes. You might be very pleasantly surprised! 💐

my DD is only 4.5 months and I dread going back to work and leaving her, but speaking from the other side of things as someone who has worked in a nursery for twelve years, nursery can be amazing for children, for their social skills, learning to deal with separation anxiety, and all around development. A lot of parents have found it very hard to leave their child at nursery but a lot of them over the years eventually tell us how good it’s been for the child and often nurseries can even encourage certain behaviours as we’ve had a lot of parents say ‘oh they won’t eat that at home’ or ‘they won’t sleep in a cot at home’

it really depends on your situation but if possible what I’d advise is not being the last pick up all the time, children notice and it does affect them and ultimately it ends up being a really long day for them but if you can’t avoid it because of work commitments then that’s just how it is and they do get used to it. Children can also tell when the routine is different for example when you are on annual leave and take them to Nursery anyway, it alway baffles me why parents don’t want to spend that time with their children, nursery is very expensive but it’s the same price all year round whether you take them or not and taking them just to justify the price only means you miss out on time with them and they miss out on time with you. Try to be involved in nursery events when you can as children also notice when other parents are there and theirs are not.

ultimately most children learn to love nursery and they get a lot out of it as long as there is a balance and they don’t spend more time with us than they do at home.

I totally understand though as I’m wishing I could freeze time and not return to work in January!

Gosh, I was the complete opposite - hated being stuck at home like a bored housewife, so went back to work part time when DD was 4 months! She had a child minder who lived 50 yards away on our street, so it was v convenient. When I had DD2, and DH then died just before her first birthday, I got a nanny who came daily. My DDs got on well with both nannies - (one emigrated after 2 years, the second stayed until the DDs were about 8 and 9.)
It certainly didn’t affect my bond with my DDs. They’re in their 30s now and we all love each other to bits.

I felt the same OP, along with angry/cheated that covid lockdowns ruined most of my mat leave. No advice just sympathy, it is a wrench, but you get used to it.

As someone who went back to work at 18 weeks with both my boys, I can assure you they won't forget you!

You're bond will still be as strong as ever, honestly! Yes they may attach to a caregiver at their daycare but my god, nothing will break that bond with you at all.

My boys are 10 & 8 now, I know it's a wrench leaving them when so little but it takes a while to adjust, of course. But if your little one doesn't seem to notice your absence it's the best you can hope for! They're happy, comfortable and will thrive, and be happier to see you at the end of the day!

I went back in December when DS was 1 and he started full time nursery (8.30-5.30 every day). I was so really worried.

But he LOVES it and gets so much from it. Making friends, learning from others - the pictures nursery send / seeing him there morning ans evenings is just lovely.

And our bond is so strong. My time with him is more limited and so I can really focus on him when he is there and we just have so much fun!

@CoffeeAndCurls it is generally to get stuff done.

I have the six week holiday coming up and settling DS into nursery after six weeks would be awful.

@TheSmallestOneWasMadeline - It’s a form of grief; allow yourself that.

I went back full time when my eldest was 1.

The first few weeks were hard and I stupidly worked out how many waking hours I had with him.

It did get easier and DH and I worked together to make sure weekends were clear so we could have proper family time together.

You're doing a great job as a mum

I've not long returned to work FT after 12 months maternity and the first week was awful, I felt completely out of the loop, every morning was a huge rush, my DD cried when I dropped her off at my MILs and I missed her loads, I was very emotional all week, almost on the verge of tears! But, after that first week we got into a new routine in the morning so although it's not exactly relaxed it is easier, DD only cries for 2 minutes and although I still miss her I'm also enjoying being back at work. And like others have said I'm still her mum, being back at work doesn't change that!

Of course you haven't made a massive mistake, you've done the same thing most of us have to do.

The first few weeks of nursery are so difficult, but it gets easier until you get to the point where they're saying "Byeee mummyyy" and stomping off without you, and looking wildly disappointed when you return.

My 2 year old just started a new nursery so we've been through all the upheaval again and it's made my heart hurt. Today when they told her mummy was here, she looked up, saw me and promptly went back to what she was doing. THANKS, PAL! Weeks of worrying that I was scarring her for life wasted.

You'll get through it. You'll settle into a new routine. You'll realise that you are still her primary carer and that she sees nursery staff as nice adults who are kind and safe too. Nursery isn't as unnatural as people would have you believe, in tribal cultures, children are left with adults to play together while mum is busy. Nursery is just a formalised version.

Chin up ❤️

Good grief - it's not having a SAHM that makes children thrive! The world would fall down if no woman ever went back to work!! You're doing something that many, many, many women do and many spend far more time away from their children than you will, whilst still providing stable and loving homes.

Honestly, it will be fine. 11 months really isn't that small and childcare is great for so many things - gaining independence, confidence and supporting development. Embrace it as your new life balance and enjoy the feeling of looking forward to seeing her. It might be rough to start with due to illnesses etc but that will settle down and you'll find a new routine. I went back to work when my daughter was 7 months and I work full time (and some). She enjoys nursery and it's lovely seeing the bond she's developing with my mum due to her spending a few days a week with her as well. I value my time with her more highly and enjoy planning fun quality time for the days I'm off work. I have far more energy for her on those days as I haven't been worn out doing childcare all day every day. There are definitely positives to being a working mum!

Hi, firstly what you're feeling is totally normal!

My dd started nursery at 10 months. She does 9-5, 4x per week and is with me on the 5th day.

She was a lockdown baby, and was painfully shy before nursery. She has absolutely flourished. She is now a social butterfly, loads of friends, really found her personality. Her skills and development have come on leaps and bounds, counting to 10, knows her colours and shapes, animals etc. We are currently potty training and nursery are helping massively with that too. She is 2 and just loves nursery, she runs in every morning and comes home happy and fulfilled. At the end of the day they spend the day playing etc so at their age what's not to love!!?

I totally get wanting to be the primary care giver for longer but there is so much to gain from nursery. She will be socialising and learning alongside babies her age, but also still getting family time too.

Thank you everyone these comments are making me feel so much better ❤

I felt similar to you, OP.

My DS is 3 now. Has 3 days a week in nursery, 1.5 days with mum and I have a half day off.

Honestly, it's been fantastic for him. He absolutely adores his nana and gets excited on the days he knows she's coming. He also really likes nursery. It's a great balance for us.