Should I have a 3rd child - help/advice needed!

[Mum2HC]

I have a boy and girl (just 5 and just 3). Over the past year I have been getting more and more broody and thinking about a 3rd. We have the space and are financially stable. I work for myself from home and it’s very flexible.
the only main thing stopping me is anxiety. I worry about everything that could possibly go wrong with pregnancy/birth/newborn. I am ok day to day with anxiety, my problem is when they get ill I become and anxious mess!! Constantly checking temperature, setting alarms in the night to check they’re ok, watching them breath etc. i am starting cbt therapy to see if this will help.
will a 3rd just make my anxiety worse? I already fear having the baby around the other two when they are ill which obviously will happen at some points!
can I get through the first hard years of baby and worry and illnesses to get the 3 children I have always dreamed off?!
my husband is happy either way, he would love a 3rd but sometimes says is it just going to make life harder…

looking for advice from mums of 3, are they always ill, is it 3x the anxieties.

Or anyone who stopped at 2, do you still regret it?

I was also too anxious to have three. I do regret it but I am also quite happy and enjoy planning nice things to do with my now older kids. It is a tough one. DH was less keen than yours though which didn't help me take the plunge.

That’s so interesting thank you. How old are your children now? Does the anxiety lesson as they get older?

I have stopped at 2 and I have no regrets so far. I can't wait to just enjoy them as they grow up but I struggled through the first year so I love it getting easier (different but easier)

Did you want 3 but decide to stop at 2?

I can empathise OP! We dream of having 3 children, we have two beautiful children already (2 and nearly 1) but I find the baby stage really difficult. Neither of ours have been good sleepers and my husband works away a lot so it can be pretty relentless. My anxiety flares up on and off due to sleep deprivation and not dealing brilliantly well with all the chaos that comes with living with tiny children but equally we adore our kids so much and love watching their little personalities develop so one more is so tempting. I can think of many practical reasons why it would be better not to go for it but we can’t help but dream about having another face around the dinner table in the future! I would hate to regret it in years to come for the sake of a couple of tough years! It’s a tough decision to make.

Despite so many families having 3 or more children, most family recipes serve 4, hotel rooms sleep 4, theme park rides seat 4, food items are sold in packs of 4 etc….
It really occurred to me last year on holiday that life is so much more awkward as a family of 5. We had flown and had to split up on the plane, whereas before we had occupied the row of 4 in the middle. There was barely enough space in our hotel room due to the extra bed. Most tables seated 4 in the dining room, so we always had a drag over an extra chair. There were only a couple of theme park rides we could go on together.

We are both the middle of three and would never inflict that position on any child. I think we agreed that on our first date. We had two children who have turned into wonderful adults. For us , it was 2 or 4 children and we realised we simply couldn’t afford 4. As it was we had quite a financial struggle.
An ad hoc survey of friends and acquaintances revealed that everyone who was the middle one felt different and the odd one out. I’d say enjoy the two you have and get on with your life. Enjoy your career and social life.

I would! But I’m on mat leave with my 3rd and trying to decide re a 4th/convince myself we will be fine without a 4th, so not unbiased.

I'm following out of interest - I have a very similar reaction to the baby stage.

I think we are done. I don't think my body can cope with it either. My youngest was very high needs (CMPA/reflux) and gave us all a difficult first year. I am really keen to be able to give my eldest more now that her sibling is more settled. I couldn't cope with another like my youngest and, although we are comfortable, I do like the knowledge that I could scale down at work if I want and need to.

There is a lingering, "what if", but I think that is a hormonal and emotional response to being "done". When I was pregnant and my youngest was born, I was pretty convinced that we were done and my head is pretty sure too really, but there is just a smidge of me that is mourning the passing of the little ones phase.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP

My brother has 3. His comment to me was this

"When you have two, there's one parent or one hand per child. Once you have 3, inevitability one will always go rogue"

OP mine had all the usual illnesses and ds had chronic asthma as a baby and it stayed with him until he was about 7/8. But I never had the sort of anxiety you describe which I don't really understand.

However we wanted a big family; we love children and I loved every stage. We suffered from (I suffered from) secondary infertility and lost babies at 17, 12 and 27 weeks notwithstanding the very early losses which I lost count of.

My only regret is not having the courage to have another child because I did not think I could deal with another loss, either physically or emotionally.

My advice would be to catch onto yourself and have another baby if you both want it. By the time it arrives the therapy may well have helped. You could also try a baby first aid course which might put things into perspective. Don't end up at 62 with it being your only life regret. I can't describe the level of regret to you and based on what you have said you are making problems where no problems exist. Ours are 27 and 24 - it would be so lovely to have a couple more just like them

If it’s about your anxiety around them being ill , then no I wouldn’t have a third. I have teenagers and they’ve always got something, especially one of them. I’m not particularly anxious but the last two years have been hard with various illnesses and covid of course as it feels like someone is always ill.

I am sorry for your losses @RosesAndHellebores

@mdh2020 my DB is a middle and stopped at one! I know plenty of kids from families of 2+ who stopped at two for this reason.

I'm one of three. My friend has three (after much agonising).
I find it's often one against two. And as mention upthread two parent two kids works in terms of ferrying one to football one to piano one to a party the other to swimming... have three and one either misses out or (in my friends case) you hire a Saturday nanny to help.
I have two. I'm a widow and I just remember travelling with them and if in the airport and one needed the toilet it was impossible- I remember watching my seven year old son disappear down a long corridor to the mens while waiting anxiously with my daughter and suitcase (he was a big boy and would not go with us to the womens)
I took the to Butlins and my son wanted to go on a pool slide requiring he go up stairs I couldn't see. He took so long I asked a lifeguard to help me (my daughter was too small to go on it too so I had to wait with her).
I'm just emphasising how hard it is when you are outnumbered.
Your partner won't always be with you and wrangling three kids is hard - and the oldest won't be interested in the same activities as the youngest.
And if you are anxious now let me tell you that multiplies when they are teens.
So that's my argument for keeping it at two. But I'm not you. I find parenting hard. I'm not what I would call a 'natural mother'. If you can get over your anxiety and it's what you and your partner really want then you don't need MN's blessing!

Thanks so much for the replies.
i am still so torn on the decision but think I am leaning more towards no.
we would love to travel lots, ski and lots of adventures so I feel the cons of a 3rd (less time/ a young child for another 4/5 years) might hold us back. That and the fact whenever one of them gets ill my anxiety sky rockets!

Am I going to regret this years down the line. Why does it feel like such a big decision. We never questioned having a second, it just felt the natural thing to do and I had no anxiety around it. I do feel like covid and the fear/lockdowns etc have given me massive health anxiety!

would love to hear more experiences from people with 3 or who stopped at 2 (but considered 3!)

Anyone else?

I didn't respond initially as I have one, so wasn't sure if I could contribute in any meaningful way.

As you have asked for further responses, just wanted to say, you are blessed with one of each and in good health, as others have said 2 has many advantages.

My potential contribution around the health anxiety point, as someone with health issues myself, is that it was a great relief to get them to an age of 18, where that wouldn't matter as much, as they could look after themselves or find their way with regards to legal issues, if something happened to me.

Still a long way to go with support, but am relieved they are an adult now, as in the younger years this was always at the back of my mind.

Just something to think about as an alternative view, as it is such a personal decision.

Hoping you will get to a point that you are happy with your decision, whatever that might be.

You already have 2 children and you suffer with anxiety. Your kids are now 3 and 5. Because they are going beyond the baby stage your thinking it time for me to get pregnant again.
You may have planned to have 3 kids but the reality of having kids has kicked in.
I possibly think that having another child could make your own mental health suffer or you could end up with post natal depression.
You have to consider you and your family long term. You got through the baby stage and your children are beginning to get a little more independent. It easier and cheaper to bring up 2 kids compared to 3. As your kids get older the expenses will rise. If your in a position now you should be saving money and putting money into your own pension.

One of my friends was like you and she wanted 3 kids. Her husband mentioned having a 3rd child when her 2nd child was around 3/4 and she decided not to have a 3rd child.

She said it was not just about her wants but she had to consider the children she all ready had and there long term future.
Her husband was made redundant and it took him time to get a job that offered more then min wage. She got some cash in hand work then to keep the bills paid. Her kids both needed extra help with things at different times and this would have very hard with a 3rd child to care for. She was able to get one child minded when she went to X or y with the other child.
She also had some health issues that came to light and pregnancy would effected her a lot.
Now 10 years later she is glad she did not have a 3rd child because she can see it was better for her and her children.

I have two and want a third. Many of the arguments above don't resonate with me :

• Middle child - I was a middle child and I was fine with it


• Outnumbered - I already am Outnumbered as a single parent. One more won't make such a big difference. Plus they grow up quickly. In only a few years my eldest will be 10 and able to do many things on his own.


• Everything tailored for a family of 4 - we will be a family of 4


• Dealing with different activities - that will already be an issue. They will have to have similar activities or sometimes they'll have to wait till their siblings are done. It might be an opportunity to do stuff 1/1 with the third while the oldest two are doing karate or whatever.

I know it'll be harder to have 3 than 2...but having 1 is harder than 0, 2 is harder than 1,etc. So that's not really an argument in and of itself. The question is what you can and want to deal with. If I don't I'll always wonder what if...

Only you can make the decision, but just think about things beyond your control. You may be blessed with another healthy singleton, but you may have twins, a child with special needs, a baby that doesn't sleep etc. Are you definitely prepared for any eventuality?
It seems to be common at the moment to have 3, on MN, and all my neighbours and colleagues seem to be on number 3, so plenty of couples do it - just check it's right for you.