son is constantly depressed / has very low self esteem

[Yankey812]

It is beautiful weather and we are away in devon but he is kind of annoying with his moodiness. He doesn't have any friends and I think he gets depressed about his appearance and a lack of girlfriend. He was bullied at school as he has something wrong with his eye. He also gets obsessed with the idea that he is not an alpha male or good at fighting and not one of the good-looking people. I have sympathy with him but he is also being slightly selfish.

Sounds like he needs your support. Does he talk to you about his low mood? How old is he?

Not being an alpha male or good at fighting are excellent qualities in my book, and we all know how shallow good looks are as the mark of a good person, though I know teenage peers can be cruelly shallow. Has he not found his tribe outside of alpha, fighty, shallow people? The nerdy culture is vast now thankfully so lots of ways to connect with other kinds of people either online or IRL, through gaming, comic-related communities, all kinds of things on the arts and music side of things.

Sounds like he needs help to find his people and not feels so alone - although again of course feeling alone and misunderstood can be part of being teen. As can being selfish and not finding a family holiday in Devon very thrilling. Has he got any help for his MH or is it not 'serious' enough to be medicated or need counselling? What does he enjoy doing? How might he meet 'his people'? Are there less mainstream communities he could tap into - D&D, Games Workshop, conventions, boardgame cafes (there are loads of these springing up and they're very good to connecting to very non-alpha groups who can be kind and friendly). Or, if he's old enough, could he get a job e.g. in a cinema, where he might meet people on his wavelength?

I'm assuming he's in his teens.
It's tough for teenagers , I'd give him a pass for being ' slightly selfish ' as you put it.
Being on holiday with the parents probably isn't his idea of a thrilling time.

Awkward growing up in these times. So much pressure to look perfect and be cool. All this social media pressure. School pressure. I feel for the kids of today. Throw in the hormones. I understand though my 4 year old son is full on energetic and throws paddy's. He kinda spoils stuff for us all sometimes but it's just a phase. Make sure he knows he can talk to you. Be approachable and that's all you can offer. Point put his qualities and maybe see if there's a way to get him involved more in a club or activity. What sort of things would he enjoy. Working outside? Sports? Art? Music? I remember my mum never inspiring me or giving me much confidence. Not saying that's you at all. I just wish I had a mum that could push me to get stuck in.

I feel for him (and you!)

DS2 has had very similar issues due to SEN and mild physical deformity too. They are draining to deal with and obviously, very upsetting for him.

First, I would just listen to him. I find it hard not to jumnp in with solutions or reassurances but I think they first need to be heard. If he is having a bad day, just say, 'You seem a bit low right now. Want to talk about it?' Or, ' You seem very down right now. What can I do to help?'

As a general note I introduced DS to 2 things that have really helped him. One is self care. I just started by saying - when you feel down, make sure you take very good care of yourself - nice baths, good comedy shows on TV and youtube, favourite food, favourite uplifting music in earphones etc. Maybe help him by looking for a cool new T shirt for him or suggesting a haircut.

The other thing is to expand your life so when one bit is really bad, some other bits support you. A way to do this is draw a square and divide it into 9 boxes then put an aspect of life in each bit of the grid - e.g. 1) Family 2) Health and fitness 3) Hobbies 4) Income etc. One of the boxes must be community or charity - the rest are whatever you like. Try to steer Friends and Romance lower down the grid so they are not the first ones he comes to. Get him to brainstorm some ideas of small, achievable goals he'd like to set for each aspect of life. Fitness is a great one to start with because everyone can do something about fitness - anything from increasing his number of pressups to a given number by the end of summer or learning weightlifting or kayaking etc. For the difficult ones like friends and romance, just help him set exploratory goals like joining a club or making some friends online.

He could also try setting up some online CBT sessions free on NHS if you are in England. I can send you a link if you are interested.

DS suffers from depression and due to his disabilities both physical and SEN, he has yet to find a girlfriend, but his life is so full now. He has loads of friends, goes on holiday with them, goes off to help at charities and has clubs and societies he belongs to. Life will never be as easy for him as it is for his tall, confident, conventionally good looking friends. He knows that and when you are young that is a painful thing to come to terms with. It gives me sleepless nights and I'm not the one living with it. But all you can do is improve the rest of life at every opportunity. He does that and I admire him enormously for it. First the friends came along and I am confident in time the girl and the job will come along too.