4yo twin bedtime - argh! Help check my solution please??

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

So we had got into quite a good routine with bedtime for our twins, 4y4m. I did it and DH did 7yo DD1 bedtime.

Then DD1 said she wanted me to read her bedtime chaptee book for a bit, which was fair enough, so DH did the twins for a bit.

Their behaviour started to get worse... I've now gone away for work for 3 days and last night when I rang DH to check in, he was in tears.

It's DT2 in particular - she bangs and screams and refuses to let the others sleep. He said she was jumping off the windowsill last night at 10pm 😱

I am normally Bad Cop in our house. I think I need to tackle this when I get back. I am thinking -

Night 1 - removee DT2 from bedroom and have her sleep in ours. Me to remain with her until she is asleep, doing "return to bed" every time she starts up but no drama. This will disrupt her routine but mean our other two can hopefully get to sleep.

From then on - grey rock "return to bed" approach and taking her out of the room if she starts.

Does this sound sensible? We cannot have her dominating evenings like this anymore, taking sleep from others and staying up till 10!

Honestly, it sounds like your DH needs to get his shit together and learn how to deal with his own kids.

The classic super nanny 'non smiling return to bed' thing sounds fine.

But I strongly think your DP needs to tackle this. He needs to be able to put his children to bed without crying (!). It's obviously possible if you can, so he needs to work it out.

To be fair to DH, he is a SAHD two days a week and he does all the activities, birthday parties, appointments, etc. I work FT and get that adult time away. I think last night he just felt broken.

It is also the case that before, I did DTs whilst he did DD1. He was on his own with all three and I find that a tough gig.

What a nasty message. I called DH in tears at work the other day as I’m adapting to 2 under 2 and that evening we brainstormed some solutions/strategies together. Do I need to ‘get my shit together’ too?

Sorry Op, no constructive advice but I just think the pile on re yourDH is a bit off - I’ve got upset late at night when I’ve had a day wrangling kids and then I can’t get the baby to settle and I’m exhausted, I can’t imagine solo bedtime for 3 kids is easy at all and I also can’t imagine if you were asking for solutions if the tables were turned you wouldn’t be told to ‘learn to deal with’ your kids. I hope evenings calm down for you soon.

How flexible can you be with the bedrooms? I'd look at (temporarily) putting the eldest in the twins room & DT2 alone in the other room. I'd be wary of DT2 seeing being put in your room as a reward.

Do you need to look at naps (if they're still having them) or bed times? Could she be over tied/hungry?

Lastly, have you any other things with DT2 that might make you consider SEN? This kind of bedtime shenanigans has been common amongst girls who have later been diagnosed with SEN.

Best of luck getting it sorted.

Yep I'd swap so the good sleepers share.

A lovely star chart for all three, with a treat every Saturday for those who get x stars, make it achievable at first then get harder. And do t be afraid of her not getting it, she's choosing to behave like that.

Remove all noisy things from the bedroom and make it boring.

Interesting re swapping bedrooms but DD1 wouldn't like it. She already has a lot to put up with, having twjn siblings, and "taking away" her own lovely "big girl" bedroom that has her treasures in it would hurt her.

I do not think DT2 has SEN. There aren't other signs. She is at 2 preschools and meeting all her milestones. She doesn't have tantrums or other eyecatching behaviours. She is just extremely competitive and wilful.

I think she is stressed about school starting and this is anxiety around that. Which I get and sympathise with. But still can't let her behave this way.

Then I'd let the other twin sleep in my room. It will create an argument but she doesn't deserve the special treatment.
You can also move the other twin back when they're both asleep

No, of course not, you're dealing with 2 under 2 so your situation is completely new to you and you have basically two babies to handle! OP's twins are 4, this is not a new situation in the slightest and by now he should be able to put his own kids to bed!

So I am heading home today - DH texted to say they didn't go to bed till 10.35 last night!!

I think I want to NOT mention consequences or punishments - like, if you do that, you can't have that - as I think the whole thing is turning into a big battle of wills.

Instead, I'm just going to separate them and tell DD2 "you are not doing that. It's bedtime. Sleepy time" on repeat.

Will be very tedious but need to dial down the drama!! Wish me luck.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff I really, truly think your DH should be handling this. It's so out of order for you to be forced to be Bad Cop while he gets to be Lovely Pushover Dad, that's such a miserable dynamic and so unfair on you.

If you make it home way before bedtime I would set the expectation, tell the twins what is expected at bedtime. I would also put in that if DT2 messes around that isn't fair to DT1 and you will move DT1 into your bed if it comes to it as she goes to sleep when she should. That would be seen as a reward and DT2 shouldn't be given that option.

And good luck.

I have been reduced to tears by twins plus singleton siblings when they've decided to refuse to go to sleep - and I do it alone almost 100% of the time (have done for years) - so I don't think you DH needs a hard time for struggling.

I agree with PP that DT2 in your room risks being seen as a reward and becoming a habit.
Let DT1 sleep in your room while you do the quiet return to bed method with DT2 in their room, and then return DT1 when all asleep.

Explain to them in the daytime what will happen, and set up some sticker charts for going to bed nicely - explaining exactly what that looks like.

Good luck.

Are you joking me?? My DD has called me in tears before because her two were refusing to go to bed and she was just exhausted.

Should I have told her to 'get her shit together and parent her own children'???

How was it?