1 year old son and i feel like he hates me

[Gingey882]

So to cut a long story short. Me and my partner bought our first home in april 2022. Which needs a full renovation. Had or son in july 2021. Which funnily enough means he’s 1 today. Im a construction worker. Plumber by trade. But since acquiring the property have been a multi tradesman. So have done absolutely everything in the house except for electrics. So at the moment im finding it extremely hard to find a happy medium where i can see my kid and do our house. So at the moment we live in a small static caravan. Thats why im working my day job then night doing our new house. But by doing this im missing essential and extremely important moments of my sons life. I get minimal time with him…. And when i do have time with him he seems to hate my guts. Is this because he never sees me? Should i try being around more or just finish the house amd then be around in an absolutely beautiful enviromemt…. Im so confused because i dont like my 1 year old son looking at me like im some sort of stranger

Your doing your best BUT your child will never be a bay again. Cherish this time. Your child does not hate you

No that is very true but put yourself in my situation…. We live in a tiny static caravan where we cant put him in a baby walker or amything like that so tell me is that fair on him not getting the chance or the opportunity he should be getting to get up on the 2 beautiful feet he has? He is being deprived of fair play and opportunities where we are at the moment. But im having the same because im never home. I go to work before he’s up and im working on the house until way passed his bed time. I just dont know what i should do. I think 2 more months cluld mean us moving in but could that 2 months of not seeing him worsen our bond?🤷‍♂️

Your son doesn't hate you, but he doesn't know you very well right now. Don't worry, it will all work out and you can definitely build an amazing relationship with your child. Just be there as much as you can until you get the house finished.

How does your partner feel about this? In her position, I’d definitely want you around more (so you could bond with your DC and so I could have a break!). Is her view like yours, that you should put every waking moment into building your home? Or has she asked you to be more present?

My partner obviously feels the same as i do. Our new home needs to be finished so we can move in and be a proper family but of course when your on a tight budget and cant afford builders to go in and renovate it i guess your stuck with the issue we have… like im guessing so many families do have? My question as a first tome father is in the first year and few months of my sons life is me not being around going to massively impact our bond…?? Or am i smashing on with our house to get it finished and get us in to be a proper family. Thats what i want to know as a new father….. are these first few months as important as the next few months. Thinking as a baby. Do they forgive and forget or do they hold onto stuff that we think they domt understand yet?

I believe your boy doesn't hate you, but the feeling of him hating you was concluded by your observation on him interacting with your partner. You compared his reaction towards you with your partner. For example he may cry / push away from you but cling on your partner.

That's very normal. And it's a fair world that the kids feel more comfortable to who spends the most time taking care of him / her. The toddlers are just binary thinkers to sort out the best ways to survive. They are too early to establish intelligence to understand you are the parent / care taker so it means they can fully trust you. So you may misinterpreted your DS / DD's "animal instincts" as human emotions.

I felt the same on my DS especially before he turned into 2, and very honestly I didn't feel "liking" him at the same time. I felt ashamed of myself disliking my DS. I felt we disliked each other though it wasn't really true. But when he started to speak, he started to understand human relationships, and expressed something like "I need you but I still prefer your partner instead". Then I learnt to switch the role when needed, and adjusted my mindset to distinguish between human nature and his actual emotions.

Finally, whatever you spent your time for your family, or in your family, it is still a form of love. Eventually your kids will understand it sooner or later. The positive feedback loop will kick in. It is also a hard lesson for parents to learn to keep pouring love into the kids even (it feels) they dislike you.

Babies go through phases of strongly preferring one parent over the other. Mine got very attached to me and would scream if I left the room or if their dad picked them up. Then a few months later there was wailing and tears when he went to work and you’d think he was a rock star when he walked in.

Get your house sorted. It will be fine.