I’ve taken great solace from mumsnet and Reddit #justnomil forums over my overbearing and interfering mil. I’ve told her many times that her selfish behaviours demanding to have my children all to herself evenings and/or weekends so that she can play mummy (when I work full time myself and so does she) is detrimental to their emotional well-being, especially when they are under 3 as it’s such a critical development period for forming a secure attachment. So much so that I’ve coined the term “Matrichal Baby Snatcher” for her and other women like her.
A Matriachal Baby Snatcher typically:
- Wants to be in the delivery room;
- Turns up at the hospital when you’ve just given birth, without invitation, or your home when you’ve just arrived home from hospital (without invitation);
- Isn’t interested in helping with the dishes or meals, or cleaning, or anything remotely useful in the days and weeks after you’ve given birth, she just wants to hold the baby (I.e take the baby away from its mother’s comforting smell and sound of her voice, distressing both mother and baby in the process);
- Insists you must have “a break” I.e. she must look after the baby;
- Just generally makes everything about her and tells you how sad not seeing her grandchildren enough is making her, with total disregard for your feelings or the rollercoaster of new parenthood;
- Insists you need her advice or experience, or “help”;
- Insists she is the best at soothing the baby even though babies are programmed to look for their mothers who they have become familiar with over 9 months in the womb;
- Always wants to hold the baby at a party or gathering, even if she doesn’t really know that baby or their parents;
- Often has a bellowing voice;
- Insists on babysitting and/or frequent inconvenient visits;
- Dishes out the silent treatment or passive aggressive behaviour if she doesn’t get said babysitting or visits;
- Buys the baby lots of outfits without checking with the parents first and tries to push her chosen outfit for baby for Christmas, birthdays and events - same goes for toys etc;
- Accidentally calls herself mummy - yawn!;
- Uses “my boy” or “my girl”, or even “our”;
- Uses your child’s photo as their what’s app or social media profile photo without the parents’ permission;
- Is pushy about having the baby overnight OR is pushy full stop. Btw UK courts only rarely order overnight contact with fathers for children under 3 such is a young child’s need for routine and familiarity;
- Tells you to wean your baby because they’ll sleep better if you do, or to give a newborn water or just any other unhelpful and outdated parenting advice;
- Bitches to her friends about her daughter-in-law;
- Keeps pushing when she’s been told ‘no’ to things, doesn’t listen and if she does look after the children, she refuses to follow instructions, giving them too much sugar or illegally putting a child under 3 in a front car seat when there’s a rear car seat available;
- Tries to play off their child and their spouse against each other, otherwise trying to sabotage the relationship;
- Texts every Friday night to see when they can see “their Grandchild”, sulking if the family has plans and passive aggressively getting her husband to respond to messages;
- Says things like “Give me a kiss, Granny likes that” or bellowing “Oh my Goodness, you really love Grandma” or words to that effect;
- Banging on and on about how much the child looks like her side of the family, as though the mother and her family doesn’t exist;
- Expecting you to change your child’s routine or child care arrangements to suit her own selfish needs, ignoring pleas that young children need structure and routine;
- Hogging your child in family photos or taking over childcare responsibilities in family social settings, without being asked;
- Showing the child off to friends and family as her own;
- Sharing food or cups with your child - yuck, especially in Covid times. Anyone heard of parental privilege around these things?
- Competing with other grandparents, trying to outdo them;
- Trying to make childcare arrangements with other grandparents or parents, not recognising at all that these are parental decisions - sometimes making such requests while the dil is standing there;
- Does everything she can to sabotage establishing breastfeeding and a mother’s early bond, perhaps rubbishing the benefits of breastfeeding if she didn’t herself OR gives the mother a hard time if she decides “fed is best” because she’s unable or doesn’t want to breastfeed.
These self-serving behaviours are driving mothers to edge, are a detriment to our children on a twofold way (depriving them of valuable time and input from their parents AND causing stressed out parents) AND putting strain on relationships and marriages.
Enough is enough!! Let’s raise some awareness- sound familiar?! Use the hashtag #matriachalbabysnatcher and let’s put these women in their place!