Do I have PND or just hate baby stage

[TinaMummy]

I have been wanting to post this for a while but was worried about responses but here we go.

I'm a FTM to 5 month old DS who was conceived via IVF. We have no family or friends who can support us with his daily care so I'm on my own. In the early days I really struggled. He was very unsettled with colic and reflux and I often felt I just wanted to run away and wanted my old life back. My DH is amazing and helps alot along with working full time but I just always felt I was going through the motions with DS made worse by sleep deprivation and many times i just wanted to leave.

He got into a sleep routine at around 10 weeks and things improved but even so I have always just felt OK in myself, never happy and always desperately waiting for the day DS grows up and we can communicate as I feel things will be better then. I find all the baby stuff tedious and draining. We should be starting weaning soon and I just feel I can't be bothered..its another hassle.

More recently he has come out of his nap routine and is struggling. Now I feel like I can't cope. I cry all the time and feel so upset about the state of my life. I look at DS and I feel so unhappy. I barely take him out as I was strictly following routine and was worried about disrupting him but equally I just didn't have the motivation. As I say when he is on routine I feel OK, when he is off routine I feel awful and cannot cope. I feel I'm not cut out for being a mum and wish I knew it would be like this as maybe we wouldn't have bothered with the ivf.

I have considered going to to gp but I don't know if I am unwell or if this is normal and others just hide it. I just want to feel myself and be happy with my child even when he isn't sleeping etc.. I just can't see a happy light at the end of the tunnel and every day is torture.

Sorry for rambling but just wanted to let it out.

No this sounds like quite severe PND. Nothing to be ashamed of, please get help. It’s fine not to love the baby stage but you sound desperately unhappy and over-anxious.

This does sound like quite severe PND, yes.

But also, such an important thing to remember with babies is that nothing stays the same. Nothing at all! Your routine at 4m will not work at 6m. And by 8m you'll need a new one again. You need to let go of the idea that you'll get things "sorted" and then

Bah!

You need to let go of the idea that you'll get things "sorted" and then that will be that. Going with the flow is the most important part of parenting, literally everything is a phase.

Hello OP, I think it's great you've posted. I too struggled a bit with the baby phase and didn't exactly enjoy it all as I think some mothers do. And I totally understand the desire to fast-forward to a stage when they can tell you what they want/need and generally be more of a little person rather than a very draining source of worry and disturbance. BUT the degree to which you are feeling this seems to be extreme, and for that reason and with no medical qualifications whatsoever I suspect you do have PND. The best thing you can do is to go to the GP now and talk it through. They will have heard it many times before, and will hopefully set you on the path to feeling happier and more able to cope. X

Hello OP,

I just want to give you a big cuddle. I have a 7.5 month old (second DS) and I have only recently come to terms with the fact that I have PND. Everything you describe is how I feel. I was really fine when baby was a newborn, very go with the flow but once he got to about 4 months I felt I hd to be in a routine/get him sleeping in his cot etc. I started feeling like this in March, by late April I started to get counselling as I was crying all the time and just feeling hopeless. The counselling helped and I thought I was getting better for a while, but at the beginning of June things got really bad again so I finally went to the doctor and was prescribed a low dose antidepressant. I began to feel a bit better within a few days. I've been on it for a couple of weeks now and I am no longer crying all the time and don't feel as hopeless. I still feel stress around certain things but its like the anxiety starts to rise and then hits a wall and can't get any further up to make me feel so terrible. It was really hard to admit to myself that I had PND and actually seek help, but now I wish I had just gone to the Doctor back in March and saved myself so much pain. I think because I didn't have this with my first child it has really taken me by surprise. I also still feel like I have no reason to feel like this as I have two lovely little boys, but I think because my first son was in such a good nap routine (naps seem to be the thing I'm fixated on), did all his naps in his cot and was pretty textbook its like I'm failing because my second son isn't, still takes short naps, hit and miss with the cot, is refusing to sleep in the buggy, so takes a lot of them in the baby carrier. Even though I have an older child and know this is all just short term it's so hard to see the wood from the trees. I just want you to know you aren't alone and please do reach out for help.

You may well have PND. But I would say do not underestimate the effect of having an unsettled baby. It makes everything a million times more difficult. I had a colicky, refluxy, none sleeping, routine fighting newborn and I was on my knees. My mental health was rock bottom for his first 9 or so months to be honest. He’s now a brilliant little 2 year old and I utterly adore being his mum and my mental health is great, with no formal treatment. All that happened is he stopped screaming, got into a routine, started eating and sleeping and went from being permanently grumpy to permanently sunny. How I felt was literally all tied up with my experience of parenting him. It’s okay just to survive the little baby stage - in my experience better times are coming and nothing will feel as hard again (although I’ve not got a teenager…)

You are not alone! Sounds like PND. Well done for speaking out on here. Speak with a GP, midwife, health visitor, mental health nurse and they will help you. CHATTING to someone either American professional, your partner or friends or anyone really can start to help. It's very normal and you shouldn't feel guilty or bad for feeling this way and your feelings can be changed. Stay strong OP

A medical professional not American

Ah sending you a big hug. Definitely go and see your gp for advice and support. With your little one being under 12 months you'll get quicker access to counselling/CBT. best to get some support now rather than your mood spiralling further down. Low dose antidepressants may also help. And join a baby group if you can. Having a child is such a massive change to your life, I personally don't think anything could've prepared me for it.
You're not alone feeling like this but with the right help It will get easier xx

I’m currently experiencing horrendous pnd after my 3rd child 3 weeks ago , please tell me this gets better?

It does. Reach out to medical professionals, friends and family. Even chat to people on here. It is normal and nothing that can't be sorted with time

It's perfectly possible to hate the baby stage AND have PND.

I had a friend ages ago, who put her baby in childcare, went back to work FT and felt loads better than when she was stuck at home trying to be a perfect mum.

Just putting it out there as an alternative solution!