Dad gaslighting daughter

[wonderwall2]

I'm looking for ways to help my husband.

He is seeing a counsellor at the moment because he has a few issues he is trying deal with that stem from a very strict, male dominated childhood.

However, I'm starting to consider asking him to leave the home for a while as he is taking out stress on his family (work busy etc). I know we all do this, and apologise but over the past week, I've had my 7 year old in tears twice as he has been stressed at her, so rushed he hurt her putting her on the car seat, and this morning she was in tears again after she was told by him to stay in bed until 7 (fine, I agree) but she refused and came out so he picked her up in a way that she said hurt, hence the tears.

The problem I have is that when she said he hurt her, he said he didn't. He doesn't seem to realise the damage he is causing (adult man telling small girl he didn't hurt her, when clearly he did at the very least upset her).

AIBU? I know that we all get stressed etc, but he the fact he is telling a child how he is or isn't making her feel is worrying me.

I'm not looking for dramatic "get rid of him" etc responses. He is in counselling but I'm looking for any suggestions anyone might have, such as articles or books, he could read to help him understand his behaviour.

I am considering asking him to move out for a little while if it happens again as I feel like I'm always having to manage his parenting recently.

Thanks

Have you talked to him outside the heat of the moment? I trying to imagine a situation where he would be putting a 7 year old into a car seat as my kids are younger and always climb into their seats themselves - did something happen?

Why does a 7 year old have to stay in bed until 7? That seems very controlling. Is there a reason she can’t play/read quietly in her bedroom? I can’t imagine anything worse than being awake and having to stay in bed.

I think you honestly hand on heart know that the gaslighting is the tip of the iceberg about his behaviour towards your DC. He is using excessive force against your DC.

i have a 7YO DS. A 7 YO doesn't need to be physically put into their car seat by an adult or picked up to be put back into their room. It's been a long time since I've had to physically act to get my children to do as they're asked. And my eldest has ASD so it's not like I have well behaved, compliant children.

The fact that your DH goes straight to physical force to discipline is what should be concerning you. That he has to pick her up and take her to her room. Instead of just telling her to get back into bed.

I think your DH is doing the right thing getting therapy. But I believe he should be leaving the family home as well because he is hurting your DC.

Thank you for your reply.

Yes she can play in her room until 7, we've both just been trying to avoid really early starts.

As per the car seat, she was in one that needed help clicking in.

I have tried talking to him after, and he does then accept his behaviour isn't good at times. I'm just a bit tired of the apologies and want to see a changed behaviour. This is why I would really be grateful for any reading suggestions.

I'm trying to be careful with how I deal with it when situations happen as I also know our daughter will see him as a real villain if I keep rescuing the situation but I don't feel that saying to a child "daddy is tired and stressed which is why xyz happened.." as that's just reasoning for his behaviour.

Wondering if we should see a counsellor together.

Presumably he is handling her roughly, and that is frightening her as well as physically hurting - like my XH he won't realise how strong his grip is, especially when he's angry, and he certainly won't realise how scary he might be.

But all of that said, stress and a troubled upbringing is NO excuse for treating a child badly, you say he's dealing with it which is good, but the fact that you feel you are having to manage his parenting says a lot...I walked on eggshells for many years and became hypervigilant because of the angry way my XH dealt with minor transgressions from our DS.

What I have learned is that there is a difference between anger and abusive behaviour (maybe he could look at the Freedom Programme - there is a men's version), but that in both there is a moment of choice - do I behave like this or do I do something different? And until your DH accepts that he has that choice, and is currently making the wrong decision, I think you'd be entirely right to ask him to leave for a bit. It may be the wake-up call he needs.

I agree with @thatbigbear and I wonder if it’s nit case of being frightened rather than genuine hurt iyswim.

Also I remember clearly at that age screaming and crying in the street because my mum wanted to hold my hand to cross the road. I didn’t. Cue for her to still hold my hand and me screaming ‘you’re hurting meeeee’….

Have you seen what is happening exactly? Does it look like your DH is too rough, excessive, overwhelming/frightening for a child?
What does you DH say is happening, apart form ‘I didn’t (think?) hurt her’?